bugfart
12x mental hospital stays
- May 21, 2023
- 30
Every single man that I've been in contact with in my life has sucked. My dad is and was a porn addict and made my mom get plastic surgery to look more like the women he fancies multiple times over and still cheated on her. She's had so much work done and the breasts he preferred on her were hurting her, he pushed her increase to size H. (Very, very, big). It damaged her chest wall and impacted her ability to work, he made her get lipo all over and a tummy tuck, a nose job, meanwhile he was 5'7 and she was 6 feet tall and much more attractive than him. He refuses to work or do much of anything and has abandoned me. He was in the military then proclaimed himself disabled when he in fact was not and has been in government pay ever since.
My stepdad is the same but has less pressure on her, and he is wealthier and she finds him more attractive. He's cheated on her many times as well. He refuses to ever brush his teeth except when my mom forces him to and he dips tobacco all day long. He has teeth that are rotting and brown. He doesn't wipe his backside after he takes a shit. He yells at her and has threatened to beat her. He makes her feel like she's crazy and has her apologize for things that she never did, and I catch her saying things like "I'm sorry I'm being so bitchy today.." which isn't true. He is upset as soon as he comes home and yells at her in response to simple questions such as "have the dogs been fed yet" or "where do you want to go to eat". He also tried to have sex with her way too early into the healing process from a full hysterectomy (ovarian cancer) to the point she was afraid of him.
My first boyfriend ever in middle school would touch me very often in public. Every day at lunch he'd be molesting me right in front of everyone and attempting to hide it by positioning his shoulder and body so that nobody could see it. I used to sit with friends. They stopped sitting with me eventually when one time one of them dropped something under the table and they noticed my legs tightly clamped together and his hands down my pants whilst I was trying to remain my composure. He didn't want to be my friend after that, and who would. The final straw was when he did it in front of his mother and next to a child in a movie theater in the same day. Nobody understood why I broke up and my mom thought he was a great kid. She accused me of corrupting him and causing him to be lustful and that I wanted it.
My first longterm boyfriend of 4 years admitted that he liked girls that were skinnier and more dominant than me back then. He'd look at hentai all of the time and use hentai terms and make me watch it or read it when I didn't want to. I wanted to have normal sex. He wanted me to hurt him sexually and that really scared me. He never lasted more than 3 minutes and he'd become upset with me if I wanted head and he'd put it in dry. I was essentially a doll which I really didn't enjoy. It was all a chore and I just had to count to 30 seconds- at most 5 minutes. He'd become extremely upset that I would refuse sex with him in public places or places we would be discovered, and he went ahead and forced himself on me in the bathroom situated in the children's section of a bookstore anyhow. There was a camera outside of that bathroom and I know they saw us. I never wanted to make a scene.
He came in me so many times without asking and I ended up becoming pregnant for a brief time at 15 even though I was on the pill. I missed a period even though I had the break and had a really heavy one later, and I had a faint positive from a test I stole at the pharmacy. I was so upset that I could produce children even while on the pill, nexplanon, everything, that no barrier would work, that I self harmed on my parts. I poured bleach in there and on another occasion poured ammonia in there. I was very young and this was some time after my miscarriage. I didn't want to have a uterus anymore if it meant housing a pigs children or that I'd have to continue having unsatisfying sex to keep up relationships and having children I don't want. I ended up with pelvic inflammatory for a time and had to take medicine because of what I did to myself down there.
I had broken up with my highschool ex shortly after turning 18. I went to college. I go to a school with mostly women and 12% men. Nobody has been interested in me. That's fine. Nobody owes me that. I look around at relationships and see that even men I thought were good are terrible to my friends. The most beautiful woman I know who is a model, a tattoo artist, a fashion designer, and has walked local runways was being abused by an objectively very unattractive guy physically and mentally. And it's not like she doesn't know how to pick them, she's the peak female form of I could ever pick out a model representative of the perfect woman. Nobody has ever treated her well.
My friend whom I thought was asexual and told everyone about his asexuality ended up raping one of my friends he got in a relationship with then accused her of rape after saying "I'm asexual and I'm uncomfortable with what we did" and wanting hush money or else he would tell people . He was doing very frightening things to her like strangling her and wanting to hit her and wanting to cut her to drink her blood. He also encouraged her eating disorder and said that he was ashamed of her because of her weight, mind you this woman is a size 6. That is thin. He would pinch her stomach and tell her to stop eating. I severed my friendship with him.
I look around and I don't notice any nice fishes in this limited pond that is a mostly women's school with how they treat my friends. Cool. I ended up entangled with a guy I'm still putting up with to this day via online. I don't even know where to start. It's only easy to list the things he hasn't done. He is incredibly upset whenever I go out or have friends. He tells me to kill myself daily. He calls me every slur under the sun and has recently started calling me a "foid". He restricts me so heavily but started liking pictures from porn accounts. I confronted him about this and he said that I'm a hypocrite because I have male friends and that I used to make edgy or weird jokes in chats we were both in, that I'm a wh*re, that he doesn't see me as wife material because of my past. I have only fully been with one person. He has been with 20 women fully and countless if you don't count PIV sex.
He is a complete pig. He doesn't work and claims he is too disabled but he stays out all day fishing and hunting and can take apart and build anything and fix anything. I begged him to go to trade school because he knows all the math and fundamentals of electricity, can fix some electrical issues on his own, can build a whole fence line and roof a house and do construction, etc. he tells me that he is a communist and he doesn't believe in working. Whatever. He complained to me about being too broke to eat and told me he was going to die. I've paid him 100 dollars over 2 months and he refuses to pay me back or be grateful. Every day he is extremely abusive to me and thankfully this is just online and I'm going to sever it soon.
Several guys I've tried to court have also told me flat out "I only like Latinas and Asians and women with bigger breasts and a bigger ass". I look at myself. I'm white and do not have the enhancements they'd prefer. Or they want someone older. They complain I'm not mature. I don't see anything around anywhere that's going to change my race or make me old. They blatantly waste both of our time. And it's not that they enjoy Latinas because they are Latino and want to be with their own people or they genuinely respect these women as people. It's just a fetish. And I'm never going to be racist or pitted against women more naturally beautiful than me for whatever reason that men are innately more attracted to, that's what men want. They want to pit us against each other and get us to hate the preppy one or the fitness girl or the girl with everything we lack and convince us they're "catty" to isolate us.
The only other people who have been interested in me were much older than me (25-30) which is out of my limits as I am 19, or live in some other part of the world and would never meet up with me. The apps are abysmal. The only good men I know that treat women kindly are FTM transgender or gay. Or already taken. I've accepted that I will never find someone good. When I find someone, they always have wandering eyes and treat me terribly. I don't have hope and it is even harder because I am a dominant woman, i want someone who is submissive and kind to me/respectful, I want someone who doesn't require me to do anal or oral on them or painful sex acts that I'm not comfortable with, I don't want children, I am not polyamorous or comfortable with cheating, and I am a person who is not extremely beautiful. My dating pool is extremely small. I'll take something battery operated any day over dealing with what my mother does, or what I currently deal with from the guy I'm with. And I've noticed that even if a guy doesn't do these terrible things to women, he still sides with men who do. They still defend it and protect their own.
Edit: I really want my 100 dollars back and he refuses to give it to me. But I can't dispute it because it's cashapp. So much for being a feminist communist, "male feminist and communist" basically just means "I refuse to get a job or do anything, but I occasionally want to paint my nails or cheat on you and call it polyamory. And you're sexist if you criticize me not doing anything to be a good partner"
My stepdad is the same but has less pressure on her, and he is wealthier and she finds him more attractive. He's cheated on her many times as well. He refuses to ever brush his teeth except when my mom forces him to and he dips tobacco all day long. He has teeth that are rotting and brown. He doesn't wipe his backside after he takes a shit. He yells at her and has threatened to beat her. He makes her feel like she's crazy and has her apologize for things that she never did, and I catch her saying things like "I'm sorry I'm being so bitchy today.." which isn't true. He is upset as soon as he comes home and yells at her in response to simple questions such as "have the dogs been fed yet" or "where do you want to go to eat". He also tried to have sex with her way too early into the healing process from a full hysterectomy (ovarian cancer) to the point she was afraid of him.
My first boyfriend ever in middle school would touch me very often in public. Every day at lunch he'd be molesting me right in front of everyone and attempting to hide it by positioning his shoulder and body so that nobody could see it. I used to sit with friends. They stopped sitting with me eventually when one time one of them dropped something under the table and they noticed my legs tightly clamped together and his hands down my pants whilst I was trying to remain my composure. He didn't want to be my friend after that, and who would. The final straw was when he did it in front of his mother and next to a child in a movie theater in the same day. Nobody understood why I broke up and my mom thought he was a great kid. She accused me of corrupting him and causing him to be lustful and that I wanted it.
My first longterm boyfriend of 4 years admitted that he liked girls that were skinnier and more dominant than me back then. He'd look at hentai all of the time and use hentai terms and make me watch it or read it when I didn't want to. I wanted to have normal sex. He wanted me to hurt him sexually and that really scared me. He never lasted more than 3 minutes and he'd become upset with me if I wanted head and he'd put it in dry. I was essentially a doll which I really didn't enjoy. It was all a chore and I just had to count to 30 seconds- at most 5 minutes. He'd become extremely upset that I would refuse sex with him in public places or places we would be discovered, and he went ahead and forced himself on me in the bathroom situated in the children's section of a bookstore anyhow. There was a camera outside of that bathroom and I know they saw us. I never wanted to make a scene.
He came in me so many times without asking and I ended up becoming pregnant for a brief time at 15 even though I was on the pill. I missed a period even though I had the break and had a really heavy one later, and I had a faint positive from a test I stole at the pharmacy. I was so upset that I could produce children even while on the pill, nexplanon, everything, that no barrier would work, that I self harmed on my parts. I poured bleach in there and on another occasion poured ammonia in there. I was very young and this was some time after my miscarriage. I didn't want to have a uterus anymore if it meant housing a pigs children or that I'd have to continue having unsatisfying sex to keep up relationships and having children I don't want. I ended up with pelvic inflammatory for a time and had to take medicine because of what I did to myself down there.
I had broken up with my highschool ex shortly after turning 18. I went to college. I go to a school with mostly women and 12% men. Nobody has been interested in me. That's fine. Nobody owes me that. I look around at relationships and see that even men I thought were good are terrible to my friends. The most beautiful woman I know who is a model, a tattoo artist, a fashion designer, and has walked local runways was being abused by an objectively very unattractive guy physically and mentally. And it's not like she doesn't know how to pick them, she's the peak female form of I could ever pick out a model representative of the perfect woman. Nobody has ever treated her well.
My friend whom I thought was asexual and told everyone about his asexuality ended up raping one of my friends he got in a relationship with then accused her of rape after saying "I'm asexual and I'm uncomfortable with what we did" and wanting hush money or else he would tell people . He was doing very frightening things to her like strangling her and wanting to hit her and wanting to cut her to drink her blood. He also encouraged her eating disorder and said that he was ashamed of her because of her weight, mind you this woman is a size 6. That is thin. He would pinch her stomach and tell her to stop eating. I severed my friendship with him.
I look around and I don't notice any nice fishes in this limited pond that is a mostly women's school with how they treat my friends. Cool. I ended up entangled with a guy I'm still putting up with to this day via online. I don't even know where to start. It's only easy to list the things he hasn't done. He is incredibly upset whenever I go out or have friends. He tells me to kill myself daily. He calls me every slur under the sun and has recently started calling me a "foid". He restricts me so heavily but started liking pictures from porn accounts. I confronted him about this and he said that I'm a hypocrite because I have male friends and that I used to make edgy or weird jokes in chats we were both in, that I'm a wh*re, that he doesn't see me as wife material because of my past. I have only fully been with one person. He has been with 20 women fully and countless if you don't count PIV sex.
He is a complete pig. He doesn't work and claims he is too disabled but he stays out all day fishing and hunting and can take apart and build anything and fix anything. I begged him to go to trade school because he knows all the math and fundamentals of electricity, can fix some electrical issues on his own, can build a whole fence line and roof a house and do construction, etc. he tells me that he is a communist and he doesn't believe in working. Whatever. He complained to me about being too broke to eat and told me he was going to die. I've paid him 100 dollars over 2 months and he refuses to pay me back or be grateful. Every day he is extremely abusive to me and thankfully this is just online and I'm going to sever it soon.
Several guys I've tried to court have also told me flat out "I only like Latinas and Asians and women with bigger breasts and a bigger ass". I look at myself. I'm white and do not have the enhancements they'd prefer. Or they want someone older. They complain I'm not mature. I don't see anything around anywhere that's going to change my race or make me old. They blatantly waste both of our time. And it's not that they enjoy Latinas because they are Latino and want to be with their own people or they genuinely respect these women as people. It's just a fetish. And I'm never going to be racist or pitted against women more naturally beautiful than me for whatever reason that men are innately more attracted to, that's what men want. They want to pit us against each other and get us to hate the preppy one or the fitness girl or the girl with everything we lack and convince us they're "catty" to isolate us.
The only other people who have been interested in me were much older than me (25-30) which is out of my limits as I am 19, or live in some other part of the world and would never meet up with me. The apps are abysmal. The only good men I know that treat women kindly are FTM transgender or gay. Or already taken. I've accepted that I will never find someone good. When I find someone, they always have wandering eyes and treat me terribly. I don't have hope and it is even harder because I am a dominant woman, i want someone who is submissive and kind to me/respectful, I want someone who doesn't require me to do anal or oral on them or painful sex acts that I'm not comfortable with, I don't want children, I am not polyamorous or comfortable with cheating, and I am a person who is not extremely beautiful. My dating pool is extremely small. I'll take something battery operated any day over dealing with what my mother does, or what I currently deal with from the guy I'm with. And I've noticed that even if a guy doesn't do these terrible things to women, he still sides with men who do. They still defend it and protect their own.
Edit: I really want my 100 dollars back and he refuses to give it to me. But I can't dispute it because it's cashapp. So much for being a feminist communist, "male feminist and communist" basically just means "I refuse to get a job or do anything, but I occasionally want to paint my nails or cheat on you and call it polyamory. And you're sexist if you criticize me not doing anything to be a good partner"
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