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Deficiency

Deficiency

nobody knows you - nobody cares
Jun 11, 2024
3
I think I am just better off dead


The only reason I stay is for others but, they will be far better without me


I am useless. I bring nothing to any kind of table. There are no talents in me. My fingers can barely play a melody. My voice can barely tell an interesting story. My arms can barely move things. There is nothing extraordinary about me. Even the things I'm good at, I'm average at. Just average. If I left, why would anyone miss me? Really? I would leave no empty space in anyone's life


I am not memorable. Not in a good way. Just seen as a nutjob or a bitch. I suppose that's all there really is to me.


Maybe I am a looney. I shouldn't have this fractured of a mind. I shouldn't have anything and everything be a trigger. It's constant. "man this kitchen is clean. Hey remember how filthy and probably toxic the kitchen you grew up with was? Ohhh yeah and how you'd sometimes go days without any heating or electricity?" Even just seeing a loving mother or father with their child immediately makes me question "why couldn't I have that?". And even now, when life is good, I finally met the love of my life after 10 years of waiting - and I still just want to end things.


I don't think I can be fixed. I think my mind is too disordered by all these years. I will never be able to function. I will never be able to be a good person. I will forever just crawl along. And forever let people down. I can't even look after myself for god sake.


Everyone's life would be no different really. And I barely message people anymore. Maybe all these months of isolating myself was in preparation for my death. Maybe I couldn't admit to myself it was going to happen. But. Subconsciously I knew. I've been preparing everyone for a while. My absence really won't be that much different.


There's nothing to miss about me. I'm a mood leech, I'm always negative. No one wants to be around someone as tragic as me. I'm a downer. I just bring people down. I'm not good at anything, I have no skills. I'm not the next Picasso or Einstein. No talent would be wasted. My face will never be missed. I am an eye sore. It hurts to look in the mirror. It saddens me that this is the face that people see. No one will want to look at a photograph of me. No one will want to remember me


It's not like I've don't anything with my life anyway. All I've done year upon year, is exist despite everything. But what cause for celebration is it really? Other people have it worse than me. And look at me. I have a flat, I have food, I have an income, I have the love of my life. Life is wonderful. But my brain is just too tapped. I damaged myself too much over the years out of hatred after years of hatred from my father. And now, I will never be happy. I don't deserve to be. I don't deserve anything apart from pain. But even when you accept your fate, you get tired I suppose. I reached 24 years. And I don't see any future for myself. I can't see myself ever climbing out of this hole. I will end up getting unwell and ruining everything. Because I will never deserve anything. I don't deserve the love that I have with my partner. And neither does he. He should not love me. I am not good for him. I just drag him down. Annoy him. I'm mean. I'm everything that he doesn't deserve. He deserves so much more than me. He deserves the world. He doesn't deserve this freak of a person.


I love him dearly. I always have. My heart has broken many times for him before when I thought I'd lost him forever. But now that I have him, here I am wanting to throw it all away. He was always the goal. But even now, I just want to go. He sees a future with me. I could see one with him, but what I see stronger for my future is nothing. I can't see myself there. I see no future with me alive. I am not meant to be here anymore. It is not fair for him to deal with my nonsense any longer. I know I am broken. I can't let him sit and pick up the pieces for me anymore. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves the brightest stars in the universe. He deserves the moon just like he deserves the world. He shouldn't be with a fixer-upper like me. I am too much work. I am not worth any of this effort. I am a shell of a human. And he is the brightest soul that ever lived.


I think it would be easier for him if I left now. I know I will be the cause of my end. I think I've always known that suicide was my cause of death. It has loomed over me for a very long time. Better now than down the line. I should not prolong a false happiness for him. He deserves to be happy, but all the love and happiness I give to him is tainted. It is harsh, but he will recover better if I don't prolong my life. Because in every universe, I always kill myself. It will be easier when there is less memories. Less words said. Less love shared. I am regretful of that. I have never loved someone like him. But I can't see him try and fix me anymore. He deserves so much more than that. So much more than me.


I was never supposed to make it this far anyway. I am an anomaly that needs to be erased.
 
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