Even my body wants me to die lol

[Funeralprincess]

After years of trauma, intense heartbreak, and more, my body now even wants me to die haha. I have confirmed heart disease and now I get horrible insomnia. I've been awake straight for 72 hours no sleep at all and I'm still not tired. I haven't had caffeine in these last few days, and I've just lost my ability to sleep and I'm worried. The new doctor I have who confirmed I have heart disease said insomnia can get really bad with it and it has… I also cannot stop throwing up whatever I eat, even light foods. I'm convinced my body is ready to go too because it just does every thing it can to shut down and I'm not even mad about it. I am exercising more because the doctor recommended it, but every time I try my fucking heart starts acting up and it feels like exploding. Even when I walk it does that. Before my life went to shit I was really fit. I'm not overweight now, just not as toned as I used to be, but even when I do light exercise my chest starts tightening and my heart starts skyrocketing it's beats so now my doctor is a bit worried about me working out because this keeps happening. She's also concerned about the fact I'm having seizures and panic attacks in my sleep, which I never in my life have experienced until last year… it's really scary.
She said my case is probably one of the worst cases of heart disease she's seen and part of that is due to the previous doctors ageist negligence, and also because of how horrible my situation has impacted me. She was Even more concerned when she saw that I was happy my health is declining, but I didn't care.
I just find it funny how our bodies will start acting in ways that let us know it's probably time to die lol

 

[jodes2]

Sorry for what you're going through. Maybe mind will follow body and you'll decide to CTB and be at peace *hugs*

 

[Funeralprincess]

Sorry for what you're going through. Maybe mind will follow body and you'll decide to CTB and be at peace *hugs*

I definitely will CTB at some point. I get eager to do it early, but I promised my brother I'd help him before I die :)

 

[jodes2]

I definitely will CTB at some point. I get eager to do it early, but I promised my brother I'd help him before I die :)

What have you promised to help him with? How long do you think until you CTB?

 

[Funeralprincess]

What have you promised to help him with? How long do you think until you CTB?

I said I'd help him get out of our abusive moms house. He told me before when I planned to take my life during the summer. Right now I have people avidly monitoring me because they think I'm going to kill myself which I am, but they don't know that they just assume because I had a failed attempt over the summer, so I have to keep up appearances and such. I struggle with bipolar too so at any moment I could get real manic-depressive and gulp the N down, so it's hard to say. I'm trying to CTB responsibly so everything is successful and chances of failure stay slim.

 

[jodes2]

I said I'd help him get out of our abusive moms house. He told me before when I planned to take my life during the summer. Right now I have people avidly monitoring me because they think I'm going to kill myself which I am, but they don't know that they just assume because I had a failed attempt over the summer, so I have to keep up appearances and such. I struggle with bipolar too so at any moment I could get real manic-depressive and gulp the N down, so it's hard to say. I'm trying to CTB responsibly so everything is successful and chances of failure stay slim.

I wish you good luck with that! I'm glad you have your head on you, it sounds like you're making really responsible decisions

 

[bed]

part of that is due to the previous doctors ageist negligence

doctors are so cruel to younger people and women especially. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

[Funeralprincess]

doctors are so cruel to younger people and women especially. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

They really are. Women and young people are huge targets for healthcare discrimination. My new doctor (who is a woman and I think that made a difference) said if my old doctor had taken me seriously I may have been able to get help a lot sooner

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be very awful how the human body can torture us so much and of course there is the possibility of things getting worse at any moment. Life is certainly very cruel and people shouldn't have to suffer like this. I'm sorry that you have had to endure so much in life. I wish you the best.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

After years of trauma, intense heartbreak, and more, my body now even wants me to die haha. I have confirmed heart disease and now I get horrible insomnia. I've been awake straight for 72 hours no sleep at all and I'm still not tired. I haven't had caffeine in these last few days, and I've just lost my ability to sleep and I'm worried. The new doctor I have who confirmed I have heart disease said insomnia can get really bad with it and it has… I also cannot stop throwing up whatever I eat, even light foods. I'm convinced my body is ready to go too because it just does every thing it can to shut down and I'm not even mad about it. I am exercising more because the doctor recommended it, but every time I try my fucking heart starts acting up and it feels like exploding. Even when I walk it does that. Before my life went to shit I was really fit. I'm not overweight now, just not as toned as I used to be, but even when I do light exercise my chest starts tightening and my heart starts skyrocketing it's beats so now my doctor is a bit worried about me working out because this keeps happening. She's also concerned about the fact I'm having seizures and panic attacks in my sleep, which I never in my life have experienced until last year… it's really scary.
She said my case is probably one of the worst cases of heart disease she's seen and part of that is due to the previous doctors ageist negligence, and also because of how horrible my situation has impacted me. She was Even more concerned when she saw that I was happy my health is declining, but I didn't care.
I just find it funny how our bodies will start acting in ways that let us know it's probably time to die lol

That sounds like the symptoms of a post-drug disorder. Were you on any kind of psych meds?

 

[Funeralprincess]

That sounds like the symptoms of a post-drug disorder. Were you on any kind of psych meds?

I was, but many years ago. I was diagnosed with heart disease because I have all other symptoms of it and I didn't start having issues with my heart until about five years ago when traumatic events began. Been in and out of the hospital for heart related problems ever since. All tests concluded that's what it is, not a post drug problem

 

[Blue_mist]

I'm so sorry, hang in there until you find peace. Soon my friend you will find it. No pain, no fears, no diseases.

 

[Lawliet]

i'm so sorry, funeralprincess. that sounds absolutely terrifying and insomnia is the absolute worst. i think it's amazing that you're going to help your brother before you go, that's so noble and selfless. i hope that you're able to find some relief with this new doctor. i've enjoyed hearing from you and if you ever need someone to talk to, my PMs are open.

 

[Funeralprincess]

i'm so sorry, funeralprincess. that sounds absolutely terrifying and insomnia is the absolute worst. i think it's amazing that you're going to help your brother before you go, that's so noble and selfless. i hope that you're able to find some relief with this new doctor. i've enjoyed hearing from you and if you ever need someone to talk to, my PMs are open.

Thank you! If you ever need to talk you are free to message me too I