Even love is cruel in a way

[Doll Steak]

Why must my own suicide affect others so painfully? Unless you have no family or a family that doesn't care there will be no leaving this world without causing some kind of pain to those around you. I hate this thought, its so fucking cruel that to "end" my own pain I'm truthfully just passing it on. To my siblings, to my parents.

My own mom has told me before randomly in passing that if something happened to me she might die. She wasn't trying to black mail me, we weren't even speaking about suicide, it just came up in a discussion of life when I was a kid. I don't like my mom much but I know the rest of my family needs her, so my own death would break the entire god damn family, she would probably kill herself following my death, and then maybe others will.

Fuck this existence, I just want to go when its time, no one has to cherish, no one has to grieve for me. I just want love but even that comes with its pain.

 

[enjoytheride]

Maybe sometimes, given constraints in life, what we can do is some form of "symbolic suicide" that could eventually have some kind of cathartic effect on our souls.

I have carried out a symbolic suicide when I stopped caring about success (socially defined success) the same way other people seem to care and glorify it, vowing to strive to be an authentic and decent human being instead. I've committed symbolic suicide when I have cut the veins of relations with evidently toxic friends. These are all forms of rebellion; it is like killing parts of us that need to be removed instead of the whole...

Key to this idea are your words - "this existence"... There are so many different ways to exist in "this existence". So many different existences in potential. It's one of the few things that give me hope - permutations of reality, external and internal. One permutation triggers other changes and this may bring a better tomorrow.

Best wishes and kind regards to you

 

[Depressed&Stressed]

I sometimes think of it like pulling the pin on a grenade. Some psychiatrists I've spoken to before have told me that "suicide isn't an original idea," generally meaning that someone hears about a suicide and it sets off a chain reaction. I feel like for me my suicide is a pretty original idea (I didn't even know the word suicide for my first attempt) but I fear the chain reaction it'll set off with people I love. I know two of my sisters are suicidal. All of my close friends are struggling with their own suicidality and two of them have been hospitalized before (I also have been hospitalized, once voluntarily and once involuntarily). I try to push them away so they aren't as close and hurt when I pull the pin on this emotional grenade but it doesn't work. They just get mad and simultaneously pull away from me while telling me they want to be close and don't want me to die.
The love these people give me is so insidious. You love me because I bring you joy. I love you because you bring me joy. I know that you ALL will give up on me the moment that joy starts going away, the moment my borderline personality disorder/complex trauma makes me hard to interact with you're done, you just want me to get better and be nicer. To be there for me and ease the pain while I'm experiencing it is too much damned work.
I just want to be loved but if I want to be loved I can't be hurting. I can't express the hurt I'm experiencing. To hear about my suicidality and the suffering I experience and my hopelessness and the frustration and anger and fury I have at the lack of people trying to help me, the lack of people who tell me they love me doing anything that'll actually help is too painful and too toxic, I need to care for myself. Yeah. Telling the disabled person they have to take care of themself. Fuck all of this.
I want to be loved, I want to stop hurting. I want to not have the guilt of many people I love potentially trying to CTB after me on impulse as opposed to me making the choice after eleven years of pain and rumination.

 

[Doll Steak]

I sometimes think of it like pulling the pin on a grenade. Some psychiatrists I've spoken to before have told me that "suicide isn't an original idea," generally meaning that someone hears about a suicide and it sets off a chain reaction. I feel like for me my suicide is a pretty original idea (I didn't even know the word suicide for my first attempt) but I fear the chain reaction it'll set off with people I love. I know two of my sisters are suicidal. All of my close friends are struggling with their own suicidality and two of them have been hospitalized before (I also have been hospitalized, once voluntarily and once involuntarily). I try to push them away so they aren't as close and hurt when I pull the pin on this emotional grenade but it doesn't work. They just get mad and simultaneously pull away from me while telling me they want to be close and don't want me to die.
The love these people give me is so insidious. You love me because I bring you joy. I love you because you bring me joy. I know that you ALL will give up on me the moment that joy starts going away, the moment my borderline personality disorder/complex trauma makes me hard to interact with you're done, you just want me to get better and be nicer. To be there for me and ease the pain while I'm experiencing it is too much damned work.
I just want to be loved but if I want to be loved I can't be hurting. I can't express the hurt I'm experiencing. To hear about my suicidality and the suffering I experience and my hopelessness and the frustration and anger and fury I have at the lack of people trying to help me, the lack of people who tell me they love me doing anything that'll actually help is too painful and too toxic, I need to care for myself. Yeah. Telling the disabled person they have to take care of themself. Fuck all of this.
I want to be loved, I want to stop hurting. I want to not have the guilt of many people I love potentially trying to CTB after me on impulse as opposed to me making the choice after eleven years of pain and rumination.

thank you for your comment, it means a lot, really.

Its cool seeing other perspectives and situations on the matter. What you wrote is very relatable and is exactly what brings me so much pain.

I hope you can be okay.