I don't know where to find this shit. It's not available on any DN marketplaces, Dread banned my account after I asked over there (fuck you HugBunter, you're a hypocrite who goes against their own rules). I apologize in advance for the long and scattered post ahead.
I would like to prepare a way out that's as painless, easy, and lethal as possible. I'm currently doing some research around the forums but SN doesn't seem like something I want to endure, and my SI is currently too strong to consider jumping off a bridge or turning my skull into a canoe. I am not ready to die yet, but I've attempted with fentanyl (got dirty 30s with no prior opioid tolerance, put them up my nose) and hard liquor (10-12 shots a session) six times a couple of years ago.
From time to time, my SI will dip low enough that I have the confidence and fortitude to carry out suicide attempts. I don't know how I'm still alive, to be quite honest -- last time I attempted, I was breathing once every 2 minutes and I was SO HAPPY it would finally be over.
Then, of course, I woke up and puked my entire stomach out. After a while I ran out of money and had to go to a psychiatric ward so I could stabilize. Fast forward 3 years and I'm here, doing slightly better but still terrified that I'll always feel the way I'm feeling right now. I'm very young by everyone's standards (I just became a legal adult who can drink) but I was 18 when I first attempted for real. I now support myself, work a great job, and should be happy because I have everything (on paper) except for inner peace. I suffer with horrific nightmares and I don't have anyone in my life that I can trust. I have no true friends or true family, I never got to have that.
I want a formula/solution that can last in storage for 5-6 years that I can have as a "failsafe" for when things inevitably become too much to bear. Right now, I am seeking out intensive therapy and recovery in a "last-ditch" attempt to save my life. If these things don't work for me, I fail to see the reason for enduring needless pain and suffering. My dad is alive, but they found a huge spot on his chest and he might have cancer (non-smoker but very overweight and unhealthy). If he dies I will be following behind him. I have stockholm syndrome and kind of love him in spite of the shit he did to me because he changed as a person. My mom did not change at all.
My mom is a witch, she used to lie to my dad and get him to beat me like a dog, I watched my older autistic brother rip all the hair out of my mom's head and choke her out when I was 13, and I've seen too much pain to deal with in a healthy manner. I have severe anxiety, C-PTSD from all-around abuse, I was groomed as a child, and I am miserable no matter what cocktail of drugs they try me on. I cannot escape my past, and it seems like my only way out is recovery or death. I could sit here and tell stories all day, but the point is that I feel like my brain is irreparably damaged. I feel like I'm too far gone to receive any kind of meaningful help from a psychiatrist or therapist. Drugs and alcohol don't take away the pain anymore, so I'm sober.
I'll be honest - I don't even WANT to die. I just want to feel better, but increasingly it's looking like that's not an option.
How do they let people die over in Sweden and countries that accept intractable mental illness as a qualifying factor for Death With Dignity programs? What's the formula they use?
P.S. I don't know where the local chat room is on here anymore. There used to be one and I would love to speak with people in real-time format. I'm not new to SS but I lost my account years ago so I had to make another one.
P.P.S can i delete my email that i registered with? i don't want anything tracing back to my identity and location. Thanks all.
I would like to prepare a way out that's as painless, easy, and lethal as possible. I'm currently doing some research around the forums but SN doesn't seem like something I want to endure, and my SI is currently too strong to consider jumping off a bridge or turning my skull into a canoe. I am not ready to die yet, but I've attempted with fentanyl (got dirty 30s with no prior opioid tolerance, put them up my nose) and hard liquor (10-12 shots a session) six times a couple of years ago.
From time to time, my SI will dip low enough that I have the confidence and fortitude to carry out suicide attempts. I don't know how I'm still alive, to be quite honest -- last time I attempted, I was breathing once every 2 minutes and I was SO HAPPY it would finally be over.
Then, of course, I woke up and puked my entire stomach out. After a while I ran out of money and had to go to a psychiatric ward so I could stabilize. Fast forward 3 years and I'm here, doing slightly better but still terrified that I'll always feel the way I'm feeling right now. I'm very young by everyone's standards (I just became a legal adult who can drink) but I was 18 when I first attempted for real. I now support myself, work a great job, and should be happy because I have everything (on paper) except for inner peace. I suffer with horrific nightmares and I don't have anyone in my life that I can trust. I have no true friends or true family, I never got to have that.
I want a formula/solution that can last in storage for 5-6 years that I can have as a "failsafe" for when things inevitably become too much to bear. Right now, I am seeking out intensive therapy and recovery in a "last-ditch" attempt to save my life. If these things don't work for me, I fail to see the reason for enduring needless pain and suffering. My dad is alive, but they found a huge spot on his chest and he might have cancer (non-smoker but very overweight and unhealthy). If he dies I will be following behind him. I have stockholm syndrome and kind of love him in spite of the shit he did to me because he changed as a person. My mom did not change at all.
My mom is a witch, she used to lie to my dad and get him to beat me like a dog, I watched my older autistic brother rip all the hair out of my mom's head and choke her out when I was 13, and I've seen too much pain to deal with in a healthy manner. I have severe anxiety, C-PTSD from all-around abuse, I was groomed as a child, and I am miserable no matter what cocktail of drugs they try me on. I cannot escape my past, and it seems like my only way out is recovery or death. I could sit here and tell stories all day, but the point is that I feel like my brain is irreparably damaged. I feel like I'm too far gone to receive any kind of meaningful help from a psychiatrist or therapist. Drugs and alcohol don't take away the pain anymore, so I'm sober.
I'll be honest - I don't even WANT to die. I just want to feel better, but increasingly it's looking like that's not an option.
How do they let people die over in Sweden and countries that accept intractable mental illness as a qualifying factor for Death With Dignity programs? What's the formula they use?
P.S. I don't know where the local chat room is on here anymore. There used to be one and I would love to speak with people in real-time format. I'm not new to SS but I lost my account years ago so I had to make another one.
P.P.S can i delete my email that i registered with? i don't want anything tracing back to my identity and location. Thanks all.
