miserableburner
Angel brought down
- Mar 11, 2023
- 7
I am beyond upset. I should have taken my own advice from the get-go of not checking here, because seeing inactivity yet that I am blocked everywhere else means it is only a matter of time and leaves me without any closure. I got 800 words down for a decent explanation of how I was feeling last night before the page refreshed on me, and that just makes me even more hopeless. I have never felt so isolated in my entire life, and it follows me everywhere. Obviously my boyfriend is still in the hospital, but to further the "fuck you" from the world, he is ENTIRELY forbidden to talk to me both inside and once he leaves the hospital. It is to the point legal action was taken against us both because of a story we were writing together, paired with conversations we had that were meant to be private and was invaded on by his family that is not at all fond of me unsurprisingly regarding homicidal ideation I thought I could finally open up to somebody about, not to mention how incriminating it is I said I had plans to purchase a gun and the discussion of past plans of a double suicide. I do not know how long it will be until I get to talk to him, aside from awhile and I am the worst, most selfish lover in the world to every person who comes into contact with me, because I am completely hung up on something else. I know deep down it is just me filling a hole that I should not have ever opened in the first place and that I have trapped myself in yet another scenario that just will not work, I am even more sure of that than last time and all the while it hasn't even made me any happier, all it has brought me is negativity. I just want closure. I am a selfish, malicious and entirely self-righteous person who cannot handle the consequences of my own actions and excuses everything with chasing my person, trying to find some semblance of an identity. I have not changed, and I never will, yet I still expect to be pardoned for my sins. To say it has all been eating at me is an understatement, there has not been a single moment I have had a clear conscience and the idea of being so alone is harrowing in a way I never thought I would understand, and wholly my own fault. To think that I ended something I was happy with so abruptly, something a part of me is still in denial that it 'had to' end and my entire being is still debating on the truth behind that statement is foolish. I have nobody now, no corners to turn to and my life is turning to shit as a consequence of only my bad behaviors, it is not a means to an end and I am still confused on who I am, "freedom" or not. Every single day since it has happened has been misery and me seeking some sort of justification in my actions that I know I will never find, chasing the misery with substance abuse and taking in the fact that I am truly isolated, moping over my self-imposed isolation as if it isn't something I caused. I regret it more than anything, and there is no taking it back or healing the wound over, I went back on my word and years worth of promises, but to think that five foundational years of my life were wasted in a day's time is completely absurd and I wish I could stop and ask myself what I was thinking. This much solitude for the sake of 'making friends' which has gone nowhere, never will as I know I am just not the functional sort in society, and socialization has not ever truly interested me - Nobody likes me, and I dislike them all back equally, and substance abuse I could have likely continued the habit of if only I would do it on my own time in my own home rather than go out and seek meaningless 'connection' with people I didn't enjoy the company of in the first place and I had given it a little time. I miss him more than anything every single day, and no matter how much I cry, or beg, or pity myself for such a mistake means nothing to anyone. I have checked on him every single day, wherever I can obsessively, and it hurts more and more each time, but I cannot imagine how he feels and what suffering he has undergone because of my lack of better judgement and poor decision making. I truly do believe he is my soulmate still, no matter how much harm I have caused him, and I am left in pathetic delusion and indignance around the idea that one day I may just get closure that I am not deserving of in the first place. My being is ripped apart and I am even less of myself than I was before, I never will find myself and I have become nothing less than shameful, self destructive and disgusting in the process of soul-seeking. I do not like who I am now and I prefer what I was before, every single night I have dreams of him and I, what we used to be, and to know that he moved on, even if I would rather believe he is doing what I was and just filling the gap because I forced him into that position of isolation the idea that he ever could move on makes me wish for death probably half as much as I've made him throughout this. Sorry doesn't even begin to describe it, yet I am an unchanging individual with a lack of self, yet too much ego for my own good, so my actions are yet to ever reflect that and likely never will. Every single thing reminds me of him obsessively and I cannot stop being sad, the only things my mind has been able to fixate on so I do not completely lose my sanity as I have slowly gone down that track and begun talking to myself is how bad I know he is hurting and how it is all my fault, how guilty I've been this entire time and how NOTHING drowns it. He always told me he would be an open door for me whenever I needed despite this, he's shown me endless kindness no matter how many times I have wronged him, perhaps as a subconscious attempt to hurt myself more, perhaps as some completely bitter and wrongful way of getting back at him for any 'slights' that do not come even half as close as this does or any of my past actions for that matter, and now that that kindness has been retracted and I am no longer able to contact him I am lost and crushed as a consequence that I refuse to accept throughout my own selfish pride. I am not happy and I have not been. There have been not one, but two people who have taken my place, and the thought makes me so sick, what I am most hopeful for is that whatever the result is, despite my ultimatum being try even harder and go on to fail pathetically or give up on what I want most and 'move on' as I know he is trying to, he finds happiness and is able to exist comfortably with or without me. I just want him to be okay and nothing I have ever done has reflected that. I victimize myself needlessly when I am not the victim and never have been and this entire month and a half I have spent trying to convince myself that somehow I am not in the wrong, though I am still unsure if in the technical sense things would ever 'work' conventionally and I really do not care for an answer, I wanted them to and I still do because I love him and I cry like a pathetic child over it. He lingers in the air and haunts me with every SINGLE thing I see, all of my dreams are about him and I can't do anything about it, if I were to get back in touch with him I don't even know what I would say and no words ever would be enough to express how sorry I am. A part of me hopes he sees this just so he may understand that I am extremely guilty over it, it would provide me closure just for him to know how I feel even if that is the most selfish approach of things, everything is all about me no matter what and that is yet another place I fall into wrongdoing, but guilt does not better things and I have no chance at any sort of reparation or understanding, nor am I at all deserving of it. If we were to speak, all I think I would be capable of is sobbing and going into hysteria about my love and adoration that is almost parasocial and entirely unreciprocated, rightfully. I hope I suffer unendingly for what I have done to him, as not a single part of this nor my misdirected bitterness and resentment for a real angel is at all justified, I do not believe I ever will hate him and everything that ever led me to make the decision of being alone was minor and not related to him; It has never once been his fault that I am an unstable individual with an unstable lack of impulse control and even less of an identity than I once had before. My person was surrounded by him, as was his me, unfortunately, and I truly am lacking my other half who made me me. It would be wrong for me to try to get into contact with him again, but I ache so terribly and my self-absorbed nature wishes for him to know that so I may regress back into fantasy land and have him, somebody, anything by my side again - Nothing replaces him in my mind nor fits into place any better than I know he would. The other night, as a desperate attempt to find happiness or maybe understand what role I play as an individual in this world, I did mushrooms again, and all I did was sob while I was at the peak of what was a pseudo-high with hardly any sort of psychedelic affect because I thought of him and he would not answer me. The 'trip' itself was entirely anticlimactic, and all that was intense of it was spent reminiscing on when I did them in his company and how nice that was, how nice all of it was and how badly I wanted my baby back, even if I am not the same person who had him in the first place. I did the most stereotypical thing for somebody who uses psychedelics for the intent of reminiscing on what he introduced me to, listening to Pink Floyd the entire time because he was the one to introduce me to them, and it was this specific sort of melancholy hurt that cradled me like he would have. I am unsure if I experienced 'ego death', I am not sure if that is even a real thing and seeing as I am still so self absorbed I doubt that there was any kind of dissolution of an ego, but I believe despite this being some attempt at finding myself and feeling better over him, I longed for his company more than the company of my own person. Coming down, I was uncomfortable, lucid and aware of the fact all I could feel for him was longing, and the realization everything that I have tried to awkwardly shove into place of him has been faux-company and just has not worked correctly; None of it will bring me to where I want to be or help me better myself as whatever I am, realize what I am missing when it is only him or progress my identity positively. I was also surrounded by so much love, what could not be directed towards him was towards the entire world, overwhelmingly so, and I am still left a little guilty over the fact that I got to feel better in the first place because I know it is not a grace I have given him this entire time, I want him to feel that peace that I did. Whatever it is that I love, or whatever it is that I 'realized' while under the influence, it does not and did not compare to the sober reality that was his company nor the soul-crushing misery of his absence. It is likely that I will regret longing for him so deeply again soon, or convince myself that I do, anyway. I am too indecisive for my own good and that is what started this all in the first place, because someone who is not a concrete person cannot make any decisions for themselves and that truth plagued me both throughout my loneliness and when I was with him as I know I only served to be a burden, however much he did love me. I know deep down what I want and whether it is good for me or not, good for him, I only care so much. I want him. I need him back. I hope that he does not love whoever he found like me, a selfish desire I cannot control, and if he does, I hope that I may forever be out of his life for that peace I encountered to befittingly make its way where it belongs in his life. I could go on and on about all of this, but it would be a waste of words and I do not feel any better than when I was writing last night, when I was entirely intoxicated all day yesterday or when I arrived home earlier this morning to a quiet house. I have not felt better even once and I do not think I ever will for I grieve both myself and him, what we had, the past is so out of reach and the lack of control of it all is violating. I realize now that due to my entirely narcissistic and truly vile self that has always stuck around, my manipulative behaviors, the constant lying, my need for control and to be the one superior no matter what, my outright sadism towards the one who lay on his back for me with his stomach out open that I only gut, who loved me most and who I know deep down I did too, although I have never acted it even once, my self-righteousness and my entirely terrible character incapable of bettering or growing outside of these core values that make me, I loathe what I have become and how I feel about it all is direct cause and effect. Never will I be half as miserable as him, nor will I ache as he does, nor will I ever miss it as I know he is, even if I do miss it so terribly. I wish we were back in Florida together, and I wish I could have laid there a little longer with him in my arms and me in his just to have savored that. His Birthday, mine, even if it was terrible, to have his company again, to see his relatives give us silly looks for being teenagers in love, awkward and overly affectionate after years of being in eachother's company, when I first met him and when I grew up around him, his mother and father adoring me and his brother always coming in to say hi to me when I would call him. I will never have any of that back, even if I love him the same as I did throughout all of it. What hurts worse is knowing that it is a stark opposite to that world I reminisce on and each of those people hate me now. I have never been so alone in my life. I wish I could be there throughout his suffering and his bliss, I wish I could make it all better for him, I wish I could marry him still and I will never be over this. I am an unfaithful and terrible person to those around me, anybody who has ever trusted me both current and regarding him, because I will always be in love with him more than anything. I hurt to know that he is hurting too, and all of it is because of me. Countless things I miss tthat are left as only memory now, all of it aches when I think of it. I know this is terribly long and likely not anyone aside from myself will be likely to read it in full, nevermind him as I hope, but I am writing it all down anyhow just for it to be out there in some void of countless other hurting people and to wish for attention that somehow differentiates them from me, as is typical of what I know myself to be. I am sorry, Archrael, I love you more than anything and nothing I could do would ever make this right for you, that is what matters most to me.
