tbroken
Wizard
- Feb 22, 2024
- 690
I'm struggling a little bit with my ctb attempt with SN. Is it esitation or preparation?
Last week i was about to write the goodbye thread, i took 2 AE pills and i was at 2/3 of the 24 hours prepararion. My legit excuse for missing the attempt is that my Mother was very ill and bed-bound last week and I also had a bad discussion with my parents. I didn't want them to think it was their fault, because they are guilty somehow, but they are not one of the main reasons i want to ctb. The reality is that my parents tried to help me many times in the past, but I did not want anybody's help because i was injured and I wished to die.
When i recovered, the real depression started, because i realized i missed many Milestones i wanted to achieve and
lately i have a lot of things in my mind and I'm wasting day after day sleeping and gaming and living with my spare money and my unemployment benefits.
Written like this, it could seem the life of many other normie ppl, but it is not, i'm heavily depressed, i have a lot of anger and sorrow in my veins and I'm mostly empty. I got no friends left and no one has a good memory of me... I mean, I don't care about the last part, because the only people who really want good memories about me are me and myself and I'm also a little bit of a loner
Now my question is, am I hesitating or am I rationalizing my depression to fight SI during the attempt and be successful?
I realized that i didn't face my problems in a nice way, i made myself and my parents sad and I don't like it, i cannot live with these burdens all life long.
Last week i was about to write the goodbye thread, i took 2 AE pills and i was at 2/3 of the 24 hours prepararion. My legit excuse for missing the attempt is that my Mother was very ill and bed-bound last week and I also had a bad discussion with my parents. I didn't want them to think it was their fault, because they are guilty somehow, but they are not one of the main reasons i want to ctb. The reality is that my parents tried to help me many times in the past, but I did not want anybody's help because i was injured and I wished to die.
When i recovered, the real depression started, because i realized i missed many Milestones i wanted to achieve and
lately i have a lot of things in my mind and I'm wasting day after day sleeping and gaming and living with my spare money and my unemployment benefits.
Written like this, it could seem the life of many other normie ppl, but it is not, i'm heavily depressed, i have a lot of anger and sorrow in my veins and I'm mostly empty. I got no friends left and no one has a good memory of me... I mean, I don't care about the last part, because the only people who really want good memories about me are me and myself and I'm also a little bit of a loner
Now my question is, am I hesitating or am I rationalizing my depression to fight SI during the attempt and be successful?
I realized that i didn't face my problems in a nice way, i made myself and my parents sad and I don't like it, i cannot live with these burdens all life long.
