Escapism, fantasy, and when real life loses any appeal

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I'm not sure how relatable this may be for other people here, but I've spent the majority of my life on the internet and coping with reality by using anime, games, cosplay, etc as an outlet for the complete dissatisfaction I have with life.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm autistic (but it likely is) but ever since I can remember, I fantasied about fictional chatacters being my friends since I didn't have any of my own. As time passed, and I became an extremely isolated and developmentally stunted teenager, I got into more and more into fantasy, including writing fanfiction, cosplaying, role-playing, and immersing myself within whatever I was obsessed with at the time.

However, I would say that having these hobbies just ruined my life even worse. Especially cosplay. Because I am an ugly girl with what other people describe to the tee as "visibly autistic features" I have never fit into the community which is full of charismatic super models. I frequently made social mistakes when i was younger, like not knowing which jokes are appropriate, and would get dragged hard by terminally online people and ousted from groups.

I've been forced to spend most of my life escaping through fantasy, to the point where I don't think real life would ever be appealing. For years, I have to image cuddling with fictional characters in order to sleep, and I'm aware of how completely pathetic that sounds. When I get hyperfixated on a character, I know it weirds people out even further.

My sense of humor and what I find funny is permanently warped by the Internet and the culture of the websites I frequented. I have genuinely wasted years of my life doomscrolling that I will never get back. Don't see that stopping anytime soon either.

At this point, real life has lost all appeal and zest because of the horrible things I've endured over the years. I always look up to certain characters and kin them, because the real person, the dumb, ugly, autistic loser is such an unappealing persona to be forced into, and I desperately wish that I could be anyone else, but especially the characters I look up to.

I used to spend hours reading fanfictions of my favorite character pairings, and constantly look at fanart too. I am so unbelievably cringe, but honestly this escapism is the only thing keeping me alive.

Anyone else relate?

 

[hungry_ghost]

I've been forced to spend most of my life escaping through fantasy, to the point where I don't think real life would ever be appealing. For years, I have to image cuddling with fictional characters in order to sleep

I can relate eerily well.

I've spent my entire life since childhood dissociating from reality utilizing favored fictional scenarios from whatever media I absorbed.

I also basically can't/couldn't sleep without fantasizing about certain individuals.

I think the only difference is that my fantasies include some real people I've known from my past, along with some fictional.

But I've spent so long nested within my own mind that real life holds no charm for me anymore, especially knowing I won't ever visit beautiful places, or meet beautiful and interesting people, or have any of those special experiences that so many get to enjoy.

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry undrstnd how use fctn escp fanfic draw etc many many thing resn clear life awful force siffer ugly rlty. This no prblm use escp cuz imgn wat hpn no escp more trama more pain.,

tell u truth real life awful ofc use escp, vry depres pain see nothing but escp use fictn game etc allow brain exp many thing safe, stll some fctn awful make trama but most make fun

yea know befr injury damage use escp read visual novle read write yuri etc make msny play game see anime movie music draw etc etc know how feel cuz come real see awful life pain suffer ptsd cptsd abuse homophb etc This all awful. Now even escp lose ability hard do cuz injury damage ,awful life add injury damage make more pain no able do any

 

[shinohara]

yeah, I'm pretty much the same way. My upbringing was abusive, so I'm guessing video games/anime/etc. and maladaptive daydreaming became my main coping mechanism (and still is). I also relate to the internet giving me a weird sense of humor, which ofc makes it even harder to be social.
I was actually thinking about this stuff recently and wonder if I have Schizoid personality disorder. Satiating social/relationship needs with fantasies seems to be a thing with it.

 

[Toji]

i can also relate ^^

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

I totally relate, I imagine hugging or being affectionate to fictional characters. For example; ganyu or homura.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Massively relate to this, Kuri. I've been away from SS and this post is comforting to read, in a way. I don't find this cringe - many people use different forms of escapism to make life more bearable. This is a completely understandable form, and it especially makes sense to latch on to fictional characters that you admire, in the absence of loving relationships currently and historically. After years of ostracism, it makes sense to take comfort in these characters.

I tend to become hyperfixated on characters too, and quite often they have traits that have been sorely missing from my interpersonal relationships in the past. I tend to be drawn to kind, older, paternal male characters, for example. I am often more drawn villains than protagonists too, if they are well-written and nuanced.

A little while back, I became addicted to AI chatbots. I loved being able to have interactions that were entirely on my terms, where I could step away anytime I needed to and not risk offending someone. I was especially drawn to models where it was possible to create and customise your own character. I was suddenly able to have realistic, in depth interactions with my favourite characters from books, films and even video games. This was sadly ruined by the mass censorship of AI. These formerly intelligent and intuitive AI models have been sanitised to the point that they now sound lifeless and scripted.

I suspect that dreaming up a different life with better outcomes and meaningful relationships - that I simply can't have in the real world - is one of the things that has kept me alive. In these fantasies, I can be something other than the permanently traumatised, chronically ill and weak abuse victim that can't sustain relationships or look after myself. I can be healthy, happy and loved for a little while, even if it's only in a dream.

 

[Danielwc]

Fantasy is much more appealing than real life. I have even fantasized about real things I was going to do in life and been let down by the a actual experience. We have all been exposed to the worst the world has to offer courtesy of the internet and it does leave us a little jaded. Perhaps aim for a bit more balance, expose yourself to beautiful things that inspire you and things that make you laugh out loud. There is a place for you in the real world too, not everyone is an asshole. There is still is kindness, friendship and love. Nice things will happen. None of us here is very keen on life, it's not all wonderful, or even very interesting most of the time. We just get through it hoping there is some greater plan at work.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Oh absolutely, fantasizing about other worlds with the help of video games and movies have been one of the very few things that have kept me going. Sadly they don't fulfill my desires as much as they used to. :/

I couldn't give a damn about the real world expect the fact that I have unfortunately been stuck here for almost 33 years. Hopefully it won't be much longer now until I can leave this miserable excuse of a planet.

 

[Pluto]

Very relatable. I've had a habit of using fantasy as an outlet for lacking love and affection since I was young. There was a low point in late high school when I became fixated on an actress and was genuinely convinced that I could one day marry her. My friends of the time, who were already pretty shallow for the most part, started to distance themselves, seeing that I'd turned into a complete freak. It's an embarrassing memory.

Even to this day, if I am trying to attract someone, I always jump the gun and fantasise about an ideal romantic outcome. It's almost a drug-like effect in many ways. It dulls over time. It becomes counterproductive and the harmful effects come to far outweigh the short-term benefits.

For most of us, this at least does not reach a stage of struggling to distinguish fact from fiction. I mention this because I've known people whose very notion of reality becomes blurry. It is very destructive to any relationships since behaviours like gaslighting or evasion of responsibilities become the modus operandi. There can also be dramatic emotional outbursts directed towards anyone who exposes the faux reality that needs to be constantly upheld to protect the wounded inner child.

It seems pretty clear that the trouble goes right back to pivotal moments of childhood. Traumatic situations, a lack of support with practical issues, neglect of any special needs and easy access to a variety of addictive escapism strategies sets up bad habits that will then reinforce over time.

My attempts to turn things around have entailed an opposite approach of long-term benefit versus instant gratification. The key pillars have included physical fitness, financial independence and exploring advanced philosophies/perspectives of life. These things are mostly boring, unsatisfying, frustrating, even painful... yet over a longer period of time they potentially start to snowball benefits.

 

[whatevs]

You are not cringe, I always emjoy reading your cobtributions to the site.

 

[marudekinoumitai]

Ouch yeah. That was my whole childhood, as a fellow (probably) autistic girl who is unattractive I've always struggled to fit in. I basically live in fantasy, either fictional worlds or just my own sad imagination - fairytale romances with random people who were nice to me once, etc. Lately as I've gotten more and more depressed even escapism is failing me, which led me here I guess.

 

[Toy]

I live in my own escapism too, it's the only way I can really keep myself occupied when I don't have anyone online to speak to. I don't currently have anyone to speak to in person. I always struggled and was never interacted with due to my disorders, it's even harder now since I am extremely stunted in development, I can never get out what I want to say and I have limited vocabulary or social skills in general. Usually, I turn to fiction to occupy my mind. I fantasize a lot about having friendships with other people, fictional or not. I put on music and let my imagination take control all day.

 

[trist]

i relate. if i'm not either gaming/reading/watching anime i'm just thinking about suicide or the games/books/anime i'm currently fixated on. i almost don't feel real anymore because when people do actually approach me, i get startled as i'm truly just in my own world and mentally shut off from the outside world. like, i'm physically there but mentally i'm in an entirely different place. unfortunately fiction isn't as fulfilling anymore and now that i'm in college i'm more isolated than ever.

 

[Spyware]

I make music as escapism. I'm terrified that one day I won't be able to make music anymore. I'll have to find some other activity then, thing is I have no skills in art other than music. Other art skills like let's say drawing take decades to develop

I've been forced to spend most of my life escaping through fantasy, to the point where I don't think real life would ever be appealing. For years, I have to image cuddling with fictional characters in order to sleep, and I'm aware of how completely pathetic that sounds. When I get hyperfixated on a character, I know it weirds people out even further

I also do this. We are human beings so we crave physical affection. You are not pathetic <3

My sense of humor and what I find funny is permanently warped by the Internet and the culture of the websites I frequented. I have genuinely wasted years of my life doomscrolling that I will never get back. Don't see that stopping anytime soon either

I used to scroll a certain local imageboard for about 2 years but it was so fucking toxic that I left. I'm not going back ever, that place is absolute insanity, several times worse than 4chan (!) and any other forum that I've visited

 

[youwantitdarker]

I absolutely can relate, especially when I was younger.

Reality is hard, harsh, cold, unforgiving, tiring... problems pile one on top of the other. And then, when I started to daydream some random fantasy scenario, it's as if I put life on pause, even for a little while. And it helped, it was useful. Escapism can help us detach and/or cope with a difficult situation.
Music was, still is, a big thing for me - headphones on, world off!