I would not consider it cowardice to hesitate to end one's life.
To be afraid of death, or pain, is a natural feeling, that evolved into us. It is how the species survives. It is out of your control, and pushing back against it can be difficult. Even if you abandon the fear of death, the fear of pain can still be a very powerful thing. Do not be ashamed, simply because you are afraid.
It doesn't even have to be fair. Maybe there is something within your subconsciousness trying to tell you there is something you wish to do. Perhaps you are simply not quite ready to go yet. And that is perfectly alright.
There's no need to mistreat yourself. Plenty of people in your life will do that for you. Respect that you are only human, and so are limited in what you can do and what you can and cannot feel, what you can and cannot do. Try not to be so harsh on yourself.
As per who you are, the way I see it, you are a person who seems to like foxes (I think? I mean, you have a fox pfp), and you very much exist. Whether you wish to continue existing is entirely up to you.
You could commit a crime, but be warned that it might not bring you the solace you long for. You may still not find the reason to ctb -- after all, you seem to be wondering in your post why you can't do so now, what's saying you'll be able to do so then? I wouldn't recommend it. It could be decent - three square meals a day, free rent -, but it could be miserable - violence, abuse from staff or inmates -, and you could also be negatively impacting another person's quality of life in order to do so. Personally, I am not so sure it is worth the gamble, but it is your life; do with it as you see fit.
The feeling of mistrust towards humans and their affections is very relatable. I can only imagine that quite a few of us here have been taken advantage of, manipulated, and then tossed aside, only to be interacted with as some last option. It hurts to be perceived that way. A person should have every right to escape such an unpleasant situation, one way or another, and I do wish you find a resolution. I cannot guarantee you'll find it in life or in death, but I wish you all the best regardless.
