Venting engaging in self destructive behavior

[mathguyisaac]

I keep on doing things I regret and that make me feel worse. I skip my college classes, don't hand in work, quit my job, spend money on things I don't need, even drinking, over the years its only escalated. All of these things make me feel worse as I come to regret them and I realize if i continue there will be a point where I fucked myself beyond repair. Still I can't find the motivation or reason to stop and better myself, I think I do these things in hopes of destroying myself beyond repair to make suicide easier. This isn't how the brain should work but I can't better myself at all.

 

[undecided]

Everything you're doing is what every young person has done, to some extent! It's hardly a reason to end your life ! Ffs!

 

[TheUncommon]

I'm on this path as well.

In only the last week, I ran into an active street of traffic, came milliseconds away from a car ramming into me. This also isn't my first experience with this kind of event, but it keeps running through my head the fact that I was genuinely almost dead two days ago. If I hesitated for even a second, the SUV would have made impact.
I'm launching a suit against my job, all but confirming that they'll get rid of me as soon as they find out.
In all of my "service jobs", I'm not mincing words, and in one incident, even so much as standing off against a highly political person who could have been concealed carrying, continuing to not mince my words.
I'm taking out as much of my credit as I feel like, buying items expressly to feel something, even if only a fleeting sense of satisfaction.
I'm doubling down on my actions and intentions, much to the ignorance of the feelings of others.

I tried hanging multiple times today, and I lack the proper tools and height, and privacy to cause any harm to myself.
It sucks that my own path to permanent unconsciousness affects the world around me, and this all wouldn't have to exist if US had any accessible form of self-euthanasia.