Eyris
in death there is life
- May 2, 2023
- 17
i'm so fucking sick of myself i can't do anything right. i've been relapsing in and out of these suicidal episodes for 3 years now and ive never been able to change myself i'm incapable. i've tried so many medications i don't even remember when i started trying them. i feel worse than ever, like i'm walking around with half of myself.
i just got into a super intense fight with my mom because she wanted me to keep going to therapy because i have to better myself. and i just started opening up about how i actually feel about her and how she's wrong most of the time and just screams and cry's to manipulate people into say that she's right. i don't know why i just flipped on her from something so stupid, i feel so sick and fucked up that i did that when she really wants me to get better.
but it never has worked i've gone through so many of them and i've never gotten better for long. i feel like i'm just a waste of a person, walking money furnace because everything that they have provided me is always for nothing. and we're going through an incredibly hard point financially in our lives. we are forced to sell the house we are in now and my parents are getting sued over something that happened 20 years ago and we already have almost no spending money. my mom is 45k in debt and my dad is 70k in debt. since they know they are losing the lawsuit their wages are going to be garnished until they pay off the 300k.
i feel like i don't even deserve to be alive since i've only been a burden my whole life. i feel like they would be better off if i just gone because i've never dove a thing except lash out at them.
i'm fucking tired of everything what makes me even more angry is that my half sister who is much older than me and notoriously mean and hurtful to my grandparents, they excluded her from their will it was so bad. had all of the luxury's that my parents had before they lost almost everything they owned, i was taken on the trips but since i was young i don't remember a single one while she has pictures all over the house with my parents on multiple different vacations all over the globe and i've only been on one trip that i actually remember. and i'm stuck here being another weight on their ankles in an impossible time for them.
i don't know what to do or who the fuck i even am at this point. i'm so selfish to want what my sister had but she doesn't fucking deserve it i used to be so cheerful and never mean but everything has gone wrong.
i'm lost
this probably doesn't make much sense and just sounds like incoherent rambling i'm sorry
i just got into a super intense fight with my mom because she wanted me to keep going to therapy because i have to better myself. and i just started opening up about how i actually feel about her and how she's wrong most of the time and just screams and cry's to manipulate people into say that she's right. i don't know why i just flipped on her from something so stupid, i feel so sick and fucked up that i did that when she really wants me to get better.
but it never has worked i've gone through so many of them and i've never gotten better for long. i feel like i'm just a waste of a person, walking money furnace because everything that they have provided me is always for nothing. and we're going through an incredibly hard point financially in our lives. we are forced to sell the house we are in now and my parents are getting sued over something that happened 20 years ago and we already have almost no spending money. my mom is 45k in debt and my dad is 70k in debt. since they know they are losing the lawsuit their wages are going to be garnished until they pay off the 300k.
i feel like i don't even deserve to be alive since i've only been a burden my whole life. i feel like they would be better off if i just gone because i've never dove a thing except lash out at them.
i'm fucking tired of everything what makes me even more angry is that my half sister who is much older than me and notoriously mean and hurtful to my grandparents, they excluded her from their will it was so bad. had all of the luxury's that my parents had before they lost almost everything they owned, i was taken on the trips but since i was young i don't remember a single one while she has pictures all over the house with my parents on multiple different vacations all over the globe and i've only been on one trip that i actually remember. and i'm stuck here being another weight on their ankles in an impossible time for them.
i don't know what to do or who the fuck i even am at this point. i'm so selfish to want what my sister had but she doesn't fucking deserve it i used to be so cheerful and never mean but everything has gone wrong.
i'm lost
this probably doesn't make much sense and just sounds like incoherent rambling i'm sorry
