Empty and sad sigh

[Nirrend]

*Sigh*

This is probably how we are all feeling today, this is probably a common thing for a lot of people here.

I returned to my house few hours ago now. As I said during the past few days, I was feeling confused, like I had to choose between two really hard options. Living for my gf (and only for her) or dying in peace.

To be honest, the times are way too hard.

Since I returned to my house, everything is returning back. Sadness, pain, the feeling that there's no hopes. I really don't know what to do and why I'm always here

Afterall, is ready, I was ready, SI was controlled. Even if today I think that it's just a question of decision and courage, I'm afraid because I don't want to loose my preparations against SI.

Finding the courage to recover or to ctb. This is a question where currently, I have no answers

I would like to let me a last chance by asking for help (even if I think that nothing will work), but I also think that calling for help would mean "You'll have to wait many months before being able to ctb again".

But, at the same time, I remind how much efforts I put in my many recovery attempts in the past. All were fails.

I'm lost, and deeply shaken by everything. The guilt is so strong, because my gf knows everything about my ctb plans, but I'm so tired.

I don't know what you would've choose if you were in my situation.

I swear, the only thing that I'm doing all day long is to listen to sad songs.

I just want to be drunk, to smoke under a starry sky and to discuss with members here, with lost friends, with deceased members of my family, of memories, facts of our lives, with nostalgia.

I'm sorry, I'm again delaying my death and complaining

Loving you <3

 

[Un-]

I'm in a very similar dilemma.. I don't know. I don't have any answers. If anything, I'm just gonna paralyse myself, and not kill myself, but not recover. Live in limbo.

At least, long enough so I can actually decide on what to do. It's probably more challenging in your case, @Nirrend.. You have a record of trying to recover. So if you decide not to, I don't think anyone can blame you at all. I don't.. I've never really tried to get better. Sigh.

I really wish I could sink deep into my mattress, and into the sempiternal darkness.

 

[Nirrend]

I'm really sorry dear @Un-

I know that there's people who suffer more than me, but, like you said, this is awful..

I'm really sorry for you <3 and like you, I guess that no matter my choice because there will be regret and suffering in any case

Loving you and thank you for your answer and your warmth <3

Love <3

 

[gomenasai]

I hope you can reach whatever decision you do , and be at peace with it. As long as you're doubting to ctb, you're not ready to go

 

[Nirrend]

I hope you can reach whatever decision you do , and be at peace with it. As long as you're doubting to ctb, you're not ready to go

I really thank you <3,

And when you say "As long as you're doubting to ctb, you're not ready to go", yes I know, this is the problem because I was...

Thank you for the support <3

 

[gomenasai]

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Existing can certainly be very tiring and painful, there does seem to be no real escape from our suffering and problems in a life like this. I wish you relief from what you are going through.

 

[Nirrend]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Existing can certainly be very tiring and painful, there does seem to be no real escape from our suffering and problems in a life like this. I wish you relief from what you are going through.

❤❤