Emotional State at the End

[SuicidalTiger]

This is a question to other members, but it is quite long winded...
Soonish, I plan to CTB, these last few days have been very difficult due to someone close to me suggesting I take his anti-depressants. I followed his advice and was sent into a whirlwind of emotion. I felt like I was going to get sent to hell for being gay, that I was a waste-of-life, and was trapped in an awful body in a world in which people are quick to judge you. Horrible things that humans did to one another, were playing in my mind over and over, and I self harmed to try and gain some semblance of control... All this served to do was make warm blood drip down my arm and not help me in the sea of emotions I was in.

It has passed now, and I am settled in on the anti-depressants, however I wanted to reflect... I was highly-emotional during the initial consumption of those tablets, it felt as if I was out at sea, during a storm. I thought about going into the kitchen and just stabbing my jugular till I was settled, however I was stopped by falling asleep with the person who gave me the tablets in the first place. I could have CTB then, but my emotional state was too volatile.

I know it's coming, and I know roughly when and with a plan, but I want to know, is it possible to CTB whilst calm? The method I have access to is quick, and painless, but is it possible to silence my emotions, my survival instinct and just be in control of myself fully?

What do you all think? What sbout yourselves, do you want to be calm and in control or highly emotional and just push through?

 

[Ambivalent1]

I want to be calm. Idk how. Whenever I've been close to doing it, my anxiety spikes and I have to use the toilet like every 30 min and I can't sleep.

 

[FuneralCry]

The way I see it as long as I succeed it wouldn't really matter how I feel before that as soon enough I'd be gone anyway, I'll finally no longer exist. I'd feel calm and relieved though if I had access to guaranteed, painless death with no risks involved, to be able to cease existing painlessly truly would be such a relief for me, I only find comfort in death.

 

[fleetingnight]

I think it's probably harder, but possible. I would like to be calm, but I feel I'm more likely to do it when I'm not.

Of course, if you're panicking so much it's hard to think at all, I would always suggesting waiting. I feel like making a mistake, failing, and surviving, but hurting yourself, is much more likely then. I'm sure that some level of fear is pretty normal, though.