Help Emotional shame flashback

[spinningship]

Every morning I wake up and the first thing that happens is I relapse into feeling intense shame over what happened 7 months ago, events which lead me to attempt suicide right after. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/bullied-at-uni.106150/. Throughout the day I'm hit periodically by waves of shame so intense I usually end up punching something.

It feels like a wound that never heals. It's always just as raw as it was the day before. If anything it's getting more intense.

Before SSRIs these would be the waves that would send me into a suicide loop for the whole day but now I'm able to move past them at least until the next wave hits.

If someone has advice or any way to help curb these feelings I would be grateful.

 

[Pluto]

I get this too. Often it relates to 'cringe' moments going back many years. I've not found a solution but would be interested if anyone else has.

 

[sulli]

every day of my life

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Just know that whatever you did or didn't so these people had agency and the ability to choose how act and nothing you did or didn't do meant you deserved that treatment.

 

[NoHorizon]

I'm sorry that I don't have any helpful suggestions, but I also get this on a daily basis so interested to hear how some people cope with it.

Mine is getting worse where I now often imagine stabbing myself in the liver/stomach as punishment for things that happened a long time ago, and I've noticed I will sometimes actually make a stabbing motion there even in public.

 

[Namensjemand]

Shame is a big factor for me as well. I had a psychotic break and in general I behaved like an absolutely horrendous and ridicilous clown the past 5 years in every concievable way. Often it seemed too much. But it is now improving substantially and those are my insights:

- What you don't understand, you can not accept. I now fully see and accept how and why I behaved this way. My sick and twisted previous personality had to die and with its death I seem to be able to process it all. Shameflashbacks is probably related due to some inherent tendency to hide from painful aspects of reality and those flashbacks are there to remind you that sth is wrong with you and you haven't addressed/faced the issue. If you become a person who naturally wouldn't do what caused the shameful events, you can move on. Otherwise, it may never stop.
- What you try to control controls you: It is ok for people to not like you, laugh about you or look down on you. Your failure resulting in shame is not to serve their perceptions. But to avoid your reflection in the mirror. The problem is not with your relationship to them, but to yourself. The solution is there, as well.

To repeat those are my insights and I do not know how much they apply in general.

 

[stillunemployed]

All. The. Time.

 

[scared:bug]

Hi. I am sorry for what happened to you.
This is some of my thoughts on the subject.

Somebody in this thread spoke of imagining stabbing themselves in the stomach when thoughts of shame and guilt hit. This is something that I tend to do also. In my moments of silence and stillness I find a bleeding wound there (in my imagination of course). I try to take care of the wound sometimes (in my mind). Two things can exist at once. Anger (stabbing) and love (care).

Equanimity as it is spoken of in Buddhism I think is a nice concept. Meeting things for what they are. I tend to live a lot in the past. A lot in the minds of others. This is not how things are (in this moment).

Shame, I think, is difficult to deal with. I think it keeps the body in survival mode.
I started doing small movements in silence. To find maybe 1 or 2 small moments in the day where I tried to tell body: "It is safe in this moment." There are many interesting kinds of somatic meditation one can do. To create the feeling of safe-ness in the body.

Approaching self without hostility. Without judgement. Just a little bit of acceptance and space. This has helped me. Breathing space and acceptance. Accepting all that is me (including all the bad). Nobody else will (accept me for everything that I am). Only I can do this. Speak kind words (sometimes). Be a friend to myself (when I can)...

 

[nightocean]

I've found this book helpful! It's focus is the effect of childhood trauma, but there are skills that can be helpful regardless of the original circumstances. I would suggest taking a look at Chapter 8 first.

 

[prezmyl]

I wrote it already somewhere, there has been quite an advancement in understanding trauma resolution due to some people, e.g. try to take a look into somatic experiencing, you might find some direction for your symptoms or motivation to find some more educated help than it used to be.