Venting Embarrassed about failed ctb attempt.

[Soulstax]

About week and a half ago, I made a topic here about drinking SN. I was laying in a hotel room bed with three glasses of SN. I went through the regiment, and was prepared to drink. I held the glass in my hand and.. Couldn't drink it. SI was too strong. After a while I realized I wasn't ready to go, but was too embarrassed about having made a topic, said my goodbyes, and then posting that I drank it when I didn't.

Today I feel the lowest I've ever been, worst than I felt back in the hotel. I plan on getting another hotel either today or tomorrow because if I don't ctb now my life will get worse for sure (I lost my job and am currently in a lot of trouble with the law). Only thing holding me back is my family, but I rationalize it by knowing that I'll have no knowledge of it when I'm gone, and since everyone eventually dies, their suffering of my passing will eventuality go away as well, and so will the memory of my existence. I just want to be free of the suffering, pain and avoid going through what's to come in the near future.

 

[Ghost2211]

It is ok to stop. it is ok to not be ready to die or want to live. If you ever want to ctb it will be there when you are ready. Until then try to find joys in life and things that help you relax. We are here for you. You're not alone, and we won't judge you.

 

[Readytogo#Broken]

About week and a half ago, I made a topic here about drinking SN. I was laying in a hotel room bed with three glasses of SN. I went through the regiment, and was prepared to drink. I held the glass in my hand and.. Couldn't drink it. SI was too strong. After a while I realized I wasn't ready to go, but was too embarrassed about having made a topic, said my goodbyes, and then posting that I drank it when I didn't.

Today I feel the lowest I've ever been, worst than I felt back in the hotel. I plan on getting another hotel either today or tomorrow because if I don't ctb now my life will get worse for sure (I lost my job and am currently in a lot of trouble with the law). Only thing holding me back is my family, but I rationalize it by knowing that I'll have no knowledge of it when I'm gone, and since everyone eventually dies, their suffering of my passing will eventuality go away as well, and so will the memory of my existence. I just want to be free of the suffering, pain and avoid going through what's to come in the near future.

Don't feel bad, most have had failed attempts, myself included, "SI" is natural. Pls Don't feel pressured either because you made a post about it, maybe take a step back look at things if you feel the same can try things in as calm and Measured way as possible. But try not to feel bad about a failed attempt, Take care

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your failed attempt, I wish you the best and peace in the future. Also, sometimes the SI can be pesky and ruin things. It's very difficult to overcome it (some easier than others but nonetheless a huge mountain of courage and conviction to even override it enough to go through with it) and even the most ready people can still end up with unexpected hesitations even at the last minute. Anyways, I wish you peace moving forward with whatever you choose to do.

 

[k75]

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn't mess up. It just wasn't your time. It's ok to not be ready.

You don't have anything to prove to anyone by doing it or not. This is your life! Ending it is the most serious decision you'll ever make, and it can't ever be taken back. So be kind to yourself, and listen to your gut. When it's the right time, you'll know.

 

[takeyourshotfunboy]

Don't feel bad, there is nothing wrong with having doubts. If there is still that little voice in the back of your head saying that maybe this isn't the right decision for you, you should probably listen.

 

[Púca]

I've backed out of it when I thought I was gonna go through with it so many times I lost count, it's understandable to feel embarrassed or even annoyed at yourself but we don't think any less of you

 

[Thereisnothing]

No need at all to feel embarassed about this. You mention your family and rationalize this by knowing you wont know anyway once you are gone. I have noone now in the outside world family wise who care about me, its just me against the world. Hold on if you can, if you have those who love you, however crap life is, that is one big blessing. Hope you can stay strong, if not stay safe and remember there are lots here who care about you.

 

[galaticgrizzly]

First off. Don't be embarrassed OR guilty. Nobody is telling you NEED to die. If you feel guilty, it may mean there's a little part of you that wants to live. Take that part and embrace it.

But I'm not one to judge. I'm also not one of those people that will try and talk you out of ctb. If you're really sure that's what you want to do, I completely respect that, just know that I'm in the same boat, and I have tried and failed more times than I can count. You're not alone.
Message me if need be.

 

[JustVisiting]

It's okay to back out! Even though today was bad, perhaps this can help you pause and re-evaluate your situation. You can get another job. And maybe the consequences of your legal issues would not be as bad as you think? Maybe? I know that I don't know the circumstances. Please take care of yourself.

 

[departing]

Don't feel embarrassed. I've attempted suicide a few times and I'm at a 100% failure rate. It happens a lot.

 

[Zoltiel]

Wow! I thought you went for sure man, you seemed so confident about it. Good luck in whatever you decide to do

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey friend! So happy to hear ur still here! The job n legal situation can change in an INSTANT my love..tho i dont have a legal sitch, i am unemployed for over a yr n just feel so worthless. But im tryin to keep my head up..we'll today at least..**Don't EVER b ashamed at failing at ctb. U succeeded at living!!..

About week and a half ago, I made a topic here about drinking SN. I was laying in a hotel room bed with three glasses of SN. I went through the regiment, and was prepared to drink. I held the glass in my hand and.. Couldn't drink it. SI was too strong. After a while I realized I wasn't ready to go, but was too embarrassed about having made a topic, said my goodbyes, and then posting that I drank it when I didn't.

Today I feel the lowest I've ever been, worst than I felt back in the hotel. I plan on getting another hotel either today or tomorrow because if I don't ctb now my life will get worse for sure (I lost my job and am currently in a lot of trouble with the law). Only thing holding me back is my family, but I rationalize it by knowing that I'll have no knowledge of it when I'm gone, and since everyone eventually dies, their suffering of my passing will eventuality go away as well, and so will the memory of my existence. I just want to be free of the suffering, pain and avoid going through what's to come in the near future.

The fact that u got that far n r still here, means there is PURPOSE on ur life..Ur presence (life) is impt to someone..

 

[voyager]

That's so okay. Glad you're fine. Not sure how to say this without it coming out the wrong way, but it takes guts to come back. We're so used to being judged on the outside that we think it applies on here as well, but in truth no one ever will. The reality is you can call it off as many times as you like. It's your life and the most crucial decision you'll ever face. People here are in the same boat, but nobody expects anyone to do anything. Wishing you comfort with whatever you decide to do next.