Venting embarrasment for myself makes my life miserable

[howtofail]

i wanted to CTB since i was fucking 12 or something. I have trouble understanding my emotions and when i do feel something, i feel like im acting, that they are not justified, that i can stop feeling them at any moment and be fine. it fucking kills me - i haven't got a sincere emotional moment in my life. i'm embarassed with myself and feel like a fucking malfuctioning robot.

i barely left my bed for a year now, always called lazy shit, and now the consecuences hit me like a fucking bus - exam month at college, i was supposed to be an engineer but a barely can sit my ass and do anything. i'm just so fucking embarrased of myself all my life, i catch myself thinking that im a fatass ugly stupid wannabe, my family is embarrased of me and this embarassment makes me want to ctb so bad.

but i wanna life, honestly. this battle is not over yet and i'll continue fighting (myself).

but sometimes it feels like the more i'm staying alive the more it gets worse and more humiliating.

i feel fucking humiliated every second of my life.

 

[starryhrtz]

i deal with pretty similar stuff and also get called lazy and a disappointment for the same reasons but after a while i managed to blur them out,, once i started doing that it became easier for me to be a biiit more productive and maybe try to find the right motivation method for you? i know it sounds dumb but for me i convince myself im the shit by just drinking more water and convincing myself im productive even if im not. i think the mindset itself helps a ton