Venting Elaboration and response to "it's just Facebook bro"

[TAW122]

From another thread I made, I discussed about wanting to CTB over social issues, Aspergers, and in general, mistreatment by others IRL, I had an example (in the first post) about people's microaggressions and bad behavior.

Story #1:
Growing up as a millennial, during my earlier years of childhood and even parts of adolescence, there wasn't much of the Internet and social media, it barely existed. However, I noticed that people just didn't really want to truly be my friend, barring maybe a pity friend or when they feel sorry or obligated to. I wasn't really a part of another group or really belonged anywhere and what not. I didn't really pay much attention to others' reactions nor behaviors until I got older. My Aspergers and social anxiety, ineptness has done countless amounts of damage throughout my years and still to this day. So with that said, it was about my college freshman year. I didn't really have many people who wanted to befriend me, didn't know where and how to start, what the social norms and rules are, basically I'm so socially inept that I couldn't really make (genuine) friends like most people do. Then on Facebook, I noticed that there were some people who added me and for some time I (naively) thought they were friends, but turns out, they aren't and over time, quietly, they deleted me and acted like nothing happened. If I tried to bring it up, I get dumb answers, ignorance, and even flat out got told to just "get over it". There was one time someone ghosted and deleted me, then 'lied' about accidentally deleting me (I couldn't prove he lied, but he couldn't prove didn't either, it's a mess, but whatever...), when in fact that guy just didn't want anything to do with me. The same happened with various others and I simply just couldn't be a part of others' groups or had many people with me. I then had the notion that people suck and they do that on social media and then act stupid as a way to de-escalate and detract from the issue at hand. Also what people aren't willing to say or do IRL, they are willing to do online, behind the safety of a computer screen and virtual world (the Internet). I figured that if they are like this online, then offline they are like this too, they don't hide it well. In short, what I mean is that people are what they are for the most part and this one guy (just one example out of many) doesn't like me and decides to play dumb when confronted.

Anyways, I just want to elaborate a bit and also give a response to what I mean. So as those who have read my thread and know about the Facebook/social media, passive aggressive issue stuff, well, here is a bit more detail about what I specifically mean. When I experience this kind of behavior by others, I am often met with others pretending to be confused, stupid, not knowing what I'm talking about, bandwagoning and appealing to popularity as well as appealing to masses, and many more. Most commonly, they either rationalize the behavior and/or minimalize it, which are both insulting and dismissive. As I have said before, people who act a certain way IRL will show their true colors online, meaning that if they don't like me IRL, instead of being rude or pointing it out, they go the passive-aggressive way, and they do it behind the safety of a computer screen and behind closed doors.

So in response to people who say, "but Facebook (or insert social media) isn't real life." Well actually, it is. This is because what behaviors they do online or IRL more or less shows their real colors, and oftenly in a negative way. The people who ignore and delete me on Facebook are oftenly the ones who will play nice IRL and face to face, but would oftenly ignore and ghost me (and sometimes even talk negatively behind my back without my knowledge). Also it works the other way around too, though IRL they would oftenly be more 'polite' (even if they despise my existence and presence) because it's the civil and courteous thing to do. If those friends that I thought were actually 'friends' they would be more kinder, no microaggressions, passive aggressive behaviors and what not; and also, they would WANT to hang out with me. They would invite me to things, they would sometimes initiate conversation and chat (rather than ignore and pretend I don't exist or even talk badly about me. They also wouldn't just ghost and suddenly delete me and then act confused, dumb when confronted (I don't always confront them partly because there is no point; they won't admit it, they won't even acknowledge it, and it'll just make me look like a bad guy, the evil guy while they look like saints. ) I consider this plausible deniability, meaning that they can ignore the fact that bad things happen (even if it's true) only because I don't have absolute proof that they are wrong. A classic phrase I hear is "Just because you didn't see that doesn't mean it didn't happen!" or something along those lines.

(Mini example: I had some acquaintance who oftenly confronted me when I swore (using words like "shit", "goddamn", "fuck", "damn", "hell", etc.), and told me not to when in their prescence. However, I noticed that the same people didn't do that to OTHERS who swore, even in FRONT of them. So when I mentioned about the different treatment and how I didn't appreciate it, asshole acquaintance tried to play dumb and play 'plausible deniability' as well as minimizing what I said, vilifying me, and some intimidation through assertion. Fuck them, they are small, but still factors towards my wanting to CTB. )

Yes, I know there are exceptions to the rule, but these are my findings over the last decade or more.

Therefore, in conclusion, contrary to what people say (which I believe they are oftenly wrong and incredibly ignorant, selfish, and dimissive) about my claims, I have circumstantial proof that these things are happening, have happened, and will continue to happen as long as I live. This isn't a problem that I can solve, so I've pretty much resigned myself to knowing that I'm just disliked, I can't help the fact that I just have this ugly vibe or something within me (I don't what it is) that repels people and/or attracts people who take me for granted. Then when confronted, they either deny it, play it down, dismiss what I said, or sometimes even guilt me/threaten me for even bringing it up. I can't win and I'm ok with that, hence this is yet another valid reason for me to CTB.

 

[TAW122]

Just for those who might wonder or may ask "What if you had a lot of friends, or even really good friends (real friends who won't leave you and treat you well), and had a successful social life, would you still CTB?"

My answer to that question is still Yes, because there are many more other factors that cause me to wish to exit this hellish existence called life. It may delay my CTB date until a later time, but I would still end up dying by CTB due to other circumstances and reasons. As of now, the two main things that really push me towards wishing to CTB this year, in 2020 would be the problem incident with my ladyfriend which led to poorer relations with her (she's one of the people who I had high regards and was always on good terms with) and then the unsettling discovery of my performance anxiety (and it's not getting any better) even in the worst areas (not live performances but other areas and that just broke me badly). Had I not had those things, I may have lived through 2020 despite how shit life may get. However, I'm mostly at peace with the fact that I will CTB later this year (likely summer or fall -- could be sooner if unexpected shit events hit or something), I'm only alive currently because I'm waiting for a better time and opportunity to CTB as well as tying some loose ends and doing a few more things in life before I go.

 

[Pan]

You are so right. It becomes easy for people to reveal their darkest side while hiding behind a laptop. This is precisely what the boys in the back room want—-while users are at each other's throats, developers are living the high life.
I quite forgot to mention gaming, which induces a narcotic effect on players. While they sit hypnotized, the select few raid the coffers.

 

[Pan]

I'm drunk (again!?). So much to say, so little time...I think of my mother, now—-she abandoned me as a child...now,some forty years later....I REMEMBER.....all I want is REVENGE....to see her suffer, the way she made me suffer....what good is that....if there is a Hell, she has a place there...