Venting Ego is my last obstacle to CTB

[Saponification]

The only reason I haven't CTB'd yet is ego. There's something telling me that I deserve better, that it would be pathetic for me to kill myself because I simply deserve better and my circumstances are just unfortunate; that something better is right around the corner.

My worldview has been irreperably and utterly pessimistic my entire life. I thought my attitude towards my personal life has been "hopeful" at times, but upon further introspection it was merely a combination of vanity, coping mechanisms and... ego.

I can absolutely take pain. Maybe even meaninglessness. But at this point, I'm not doing shit out of purpose, but rather, because my ego is telling me that I do deserve all the things I want, even though I logically know that they are just as meaningless as the next thing. It's not willpower. I'm on autopilot whilst drowning in shit and not knowing what I'm even hoping for.

If I get over my own ego I'll finally be able to CTB.

 

[LongJacks]

That's understandable but I think It's hope maybe rather than ego... Hope... is a powerful thing, only realism, real life challenges It's concept what I mean is like you've said you want it to get better or that something around the corner is waiting I've thought the same but it always ends up worse than before for me personally or just the same :( so I understand you a lot (And everyone deserves better but humans are a bunch of bastards imo

Wanted to add something else... I felt hopeful for years and years, 7 torturous years hoping... time keeps flying by and days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months and months feel like years... let alone a whole year oof

 

[Saponification]

That's understandable but I think It's hope maybe rather than ego... Hope... is a powerful thing, only realism, real life challenges It's concept what I mean is like you've said you want it to get better or that something around the corner is waiting I've thought the same but it always ends up worse than before for me personally or just the same :( so I understand you a lot (And everyone deserves better but humans are a bunch of bastards imo

In my case specifically, it's more of an ego thing because I specifically think I'm special and that is why things "must" get better for me rather than simply hoping things get better. And rationally recognizing the mindset as toxic doesn't help, my ego is so big it has completely taken over my personal narratives on what happens to me, or rather, what doesn't happen.

Wanted to add something else... I felt hopeful for years and years, 7 torturous years hoping... time keeps flying by and days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months and months feel like years... let alone a whole year oof

Not sure if you mean that time goes fast or slow for you but personally, time goes fast for me. I'm so disconnected from reality I could forget what year it is without a calendar. Thank fuck for that.

 

[LongJacks]

In my case specifically, it's more of an ego thing because I specifically think I'm special and that is why things "must" get better for me rather than simply hoping things get better. And rationally recognizing the mindset as toxic doesn't help, my ego is so big it has completely taken over my personal narratives on what happens to me, or rather, what doesn't happen.

Not sure if you mean that time goes fast or slow for you but personally, time goes fast for me. I'm so disconnected from reality I could forget what year it is without a calendar. Thank fuck for that.

I see what you mean, yeah sometimes It's best when time goes by fast especially during dark moments and such but good luck overall

 

[Forever Sleep]

Are you taking action to try to get the things you believe you deserve? I feel like- that's the only way you'll know whether they are worth it.

 

[Saponification]

Are you taking action to try to get the things you believe you deserve? I feel like- that's the only way you'll know whether they are worth it.

Somewhat, yes. But according to my own worldview any kind of personal pursuit is meaningless regardless of how fulfilling they are. Which is why the rational part of me would CTB without a sliver of doubt, but my ego makes me push on. Well, that, and procrastinating my plan, of course.

 

[hurb]

My ego , turned into anger. Im angry at this world. I think it owes me so much.
Even tho its a lie , im just a dot in a much bigger universe.
But that wouldnt make me any less angry

 

[Warum]

if you believe things can get better, they can. this is pro choice but the decision to ctb is a very big one and must be 101% certain. you are not, so I wish you the best in improving your life.