Venting ed rant

[interna]

i want to preface this by saying that i dont actually have an eating disorder, i just vomit out some meals or start getting hyper conscious about kcals every now and then .. but i don't have a real, actual eating disorder as in avoiding foods or having ed routines. i just get triggered by my weight at times and heavily wish to be underweight. but that's all i do. ive also been unintentionally uw all my life, so i think i just miss the familiarity of it

anyways, thankfully im at the cusp of a healthy weight and being underweight rn (im 52kg and 145cm) so if i only push a little bit more and either commit to starving some days or restricting my food intake, i think im gonna reach my goal weight of 45kg by december! if anything im sad that this'll mean getting more stretch marks than i already have, which im highly insecure about. but whatever, i really wanna be as thin as possible while still being functional . i really yearn to be 34kg which was my lowest weight back then, but i was like 12 so i know that, as an adult, i can't healthily reach that (not that i was healthy anyhow as a preteen kek)

i don't know what im getting at, i just hate how many calories everything has. i just had plain yogurt and it's 211 kcals??? why??? im trying my hardest to eat 800cals everyday, although i always end up going over because not eating is just too hard :(( so i just vomit dinner out whenever i can bring myself to do so. i really feel like a lazy fat pig and i envy petite bodied people a whole bunch. i think i also need to start working out because my tummy is starting to look flabby and i cant even look at it anymore without thinking of going to the gym.... of course, hard to commit to that with depression lol..... harming myself is way easier
what's worse is i can't say no to food most times as it brings me dopamine. as of writing this im eating another snack right after the yogurt, 150kcals. sigh

i wish i could be healthy and thin, i dont wanna look fat and disgusting anymore. it really makes me want to die. i hope that whenever i decide to ctb im a little bit thinner at least ill die happier

 

[EternalShore]

I hope you're able to reach a healthier weight~ :)

oh btw, according to the BMI calculator, being 34kg is underweight~ Maybe adjusting that to 38-43kg (lower side of healthy) would be a better end goal~ :)

Also, it's super duper dumb imo, but I've heard that starving yourself doesn't really work out very well~ >_< one tends to overeat when they get to eat again, one's body stores up fat (it presumably assumes there's a famine, so it needs to keep everything), and one's metabolism doesn't really change~

 

[interna]

I hope you're able to reach a healthier weight~ :)

oh btw, according to the BMI calculator, being 34kg is underweight~ Maybe adjusting that to 38-43kg (lower side of healthy) would be a better end goal~ :)

Also, it's super duper dumb imo, but I've heard that starving yourself doesn't really work out very well~ >_< one tends to overeat when they get to eat again, one's body stores up fat (it presumably assumes there's a famine, so it needs to keep everything), and one's metabolism doesn't really change~

mhmm that's true ive heard that as well...... sighs. also yes, im aiming to be 45kg after all since its like my "default" weight lolol meaning i was 45 for yeeeeaaars. im only in a healthier weight bracket now cuz i took some supplements, but i dont feel at home in my body ever since. im sure a lot of other factors contribute to that feeling too but weight is one of the easier ones to recognize.
thank you <3

 

[Kanau_Nano]

I feel pretty much the same. It's so stressful always counting calories and sometimes I'm not sure how much is in stuff so I eat very little of it. Everytime I stop I gain weight and get upset. Why does food have to be so good sometimes.

Try not to get too thin and also eat healthy. It would suck for you to feel even worse. I hope you have a good day/night

 

[interna]

I feel pretty much the same. It's so stressful always counting calories and sometimes I'm not sure how much is in stuff so I eat very little of it. Everytime I stop I gain weight and get upset. Why does food have to be so good sometimes.

Try not to get too thin and also eat healthy. It would suck for you to feel even worse. I hope you have a good day/night

i know right! :( it honestly upsets me quite a bit that food is so yummy lmao.... thank you<3 take care of yourself too

 

[tomame]

i've had a predisposition for disordered eating since young but have had mia the past 5 or 6 years.

trying to actively transition to ana to reach my gw of 95 pounds these days

i so see where you're coming from everything has so many calories

i do a lot of fasting to offset how many calories things have

if it's too hard to control once i reach my gw

i'm jumping on ozempic to maintain no more than 105 forever. lol

keeping secret the doctor i found that prescribes it for me at my weight now. no doctor would qualify me, anywhere else. lol

 

[interna]

i've had a predisposition for disordered eating since young but have had mia the past 5 or 6 years.

trying to actively transition to ana to reach my gw of 95 pounds these days

i so see where you're coming from everything has so many calories

i do a lot of fasting to offset how many calories things have

if it's too hard to control once i reach my gw

i'm jumping on ozempic to maintain no more than 105 forever. lol

keeping secret the doctor i found that prescribes it for me at my weight now. no doctor would qualify me, anywhere else. lol

im sorry to hear that n i hope you can somehow stay healthy through it... bleh
ive never been prone to disordered eating, but ive been insecure and repulsed by myself for as long as i remember. i only started bodyshaming myself n trying to "quit" food ever since nov 2025 since i hadnt considered it b4 for the reasons previously stated (poor control regarding eating).... im scared of i guess becoming a full fledged bulimic since i don't want to damage my throat or teeth. but the price we pay right? lol

 

[tomame]

im sorry to hear that n i hope you can somehow stay healthy through it... bleh
ive never been prone to disordered eating, but ive been insecure and repulsed by myself for as long as i remember. i only started bodyshaming myself n trying to "quit" food ever since nov 2025 since i hadnt considered it b4 for the reasons previously stated (poor control regarding eating).... im scared of i guess becoming a full fledged bulimic since i don't want to damage my throat or teeth. but the price we pay right? lol

if you do it right it shouldn't damage your teeth or throat. but no you don't want to start it. i wouldn't wish an ed on my worst enemy

 

[KnightOfSwords]

I have somewhat similar problems but holy shit food isn't that yummy anymore for me but I eat anyway because it helps me distract and still brings some dopamine. I try to remind myself that if I cannot resist another snack or two maybe it means I don't want a thinner body. And thinner body is definitely something I want. I hope this statement will do the trick

 

[dhk96]

I don't think I'll ever have a normal relationship with food ever again because of my sister.

Spoiler: Wall of Text

She caused me to have all sorts of EDs from 2024 to now. I was dealing with exercise-induced anorexia/bulimia for nearly a year and was walking 35K-60K steps (highest tracked was 69K) everyday on top of going to group classes at the gym. I would panic on days where I wasn't at least 45K steps in as my life only revolved around my 'routine.' This routine would start around 4:30 AM and usually end around 9:00 PM (or earlier if I had hit a certain step count). If I wasn't on the treadmill, I was wasting hours throughout the day weighing every single ingredient or editing the schedule/food log on my phone over and over again (OCD). I was also hit with secondary amenorrhea around this time and lost my period for a little over a year despite only being slightly underweight (based on dumb American BMI standards). Then there was the frustration and guilt of being aware that I was growing resentful of my dog as he was 'taking away time from the treadmill.' I hated myself for feeling that way but my routine was my everything because I would allow myself to pretend that it was distracting me from having to actively think about anything like living or dying.

The 'intense hunger' people can experience from long-term calorie restriction eventually came knocking on my door, but I was still in control of my calorie intake at the time (perhaps because the extreme deficit was caused by excessive excercise rather than a refusal to eat anything or eat next to nothing). But even if my routine was absolute Hell, I would go back to those days if I could because nothing beats the cartoonishly insane BED my sister cursed me with next.

Long story short, I have my period back now but not my sanity or the energy to do anything--even exercise. I've slowly stopped going to the gym and have catapulted from 97 lbs to whatever I am now. Even at 115 lbs, I had felt like I had grown another human being on my body. I've always hated my body for growing up while the 'me' in it never did, and I feel even more disgusting now that this body is taking up more space in this world. At least when I was smaller/lighter, it felt like it was easier to hide or just...disappear.

I have nothing to show for the past 2 years other than a worse off mental state wracked with anxiety/anger/stress and a mess of a body (especially my feet) from daily physical torture.

 

[interna]

I don't think I'll ever have a normal relationship with food ever again because of my sister.

Spoiler: Wall of Text

She caused me to have all sorts of EDs from 2024 to now. I was dealing with exercise-induced anorexia/bulimia for nearly a year and was walking 35K-60K steps (highest tracked was 69K) everyday on top of going to group classes at the gym. I would panic on days where I wasn't at least 45K steps in as my life only revolved around my 'routine.' This routine would start around 4:30 AM and usually end around 9:00 PM (or earlier if I had hit a certain step count). If I wasn't on the treadmill, I was wasting hours throughout the day weighing every single ingredient or editing the schedule/food log on my phone over and over again (OCD). I was also hit with secondary amenorrhea around this time and lost my period for a little over a year despite only being slightly underweight (based on dumb American BMI standards). Then there was the frustration and guilt of being aware that I was growing resentful of my dog as he was 'taking away time from the treadmill.' I hated myself for feeling that way but my routine was my everything because I would allow myself to pretend that it was distracting me from having to actively think about anything like living or dying.

The 'intense hunger' people can experience from long-term calorie restriction eventually came knocking on my door, but I was still in control of my calorie intake at the time (perhaps because the extreme deficit was caused by excessive excercise rather than a refusal to eat anything or eat next to nothing). But even if my routine was absolute Hell, I would go back to those days if I could because nothing beats the cartoonishly insane BED my sister cursed me with next.

Long story short, I have my period back now but not my sanity or the energy to do anything--even exercise. I've slowly stopped going to the gym and have catapulted from 97 lbs to whatever I am now. Even at 115 lbs, I had felt like I had grown another human being on my body. I've always hated my body for growing up while the 'me' in it never did, and I feel even more disgusting now that this body is taking up more space in this world. At least when I was smaller/lighter, it felt like it was easier to hide or just...disappear.

I have nothing to show for the past 2 years other than a worse off mental state wracked with anxiety/anger/stress and a mess of a body (especially my feet) from daily physical torture.

im so sorry. i hope you recover. i don't think its ever too late to do so. hugs

also, holy, i think you nailed why i feel so uncomfortable in my body. im looking older and so is it, and it's like this weird mismatch between who i am and what i see. in my head im still a kid so i dont understand why i look like THAT. funny stuff. being trans also doesn't help my case lol