NSFW Dying like this wouldn’t be so bad

[FERAL_FRENZY]

(Just a heads up, I originally put this in the "NSFW"tag since idk if the subject matter is too extreme to put in the"VENTING"tag. I'm deadass still struggling to figure out what belongs in which tag/ how the tags work. I'm slow.)

Ever since I was nine, I've always had a fear of being molested, raped, groped, or subjected to sexual harassment in any capacity. I spent the last nine years of my life trying my hardest to avoid having another man rub his dirty hands anywhere near my body ever again. I don't know what changed yesterday; maybe it was the sleep deprivation that finally did me in, the realization that I'm never going to get the chance to live a "normal" life, or my desire to die reaching an all-time high.

I've never been viewed as anything other than an object for people to project their sexual degeneracy onto. No matter how hard I try, I'll always run into someone who only has one thing on their mind, whether it's online or irl. I think I was just meant to come into the world as another inevitable statistic. The thought should honestly bring me to tears, but for some reason, it doesn't. I think I've accepted that this is all I'll ever be. If I can't die through other methods, then maybe dying after getting taken advantage of is the way to go. I view it as a "win-win" situation. I get to die, and someone gets to have their way with another human body, just like they've always wanted.

I don't think I have any other use or purpose. I'm not academically gifted, and I don't see myself living past the age of 19. In some sick, twisted way, getting raped would be a way for me to view myself as finally being good enough for something, no matter how grim it is.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

It really would be bad. There are people that would use false pretenses to rape someone, and then not follow up on murder. There are people that would use false pretenses to rape someone, but then follow up with torture. There isn't anyone who would willingly rape someone and then murder them for that person's benefit.

I'm sorry for your suffering, csa and that you've ended up feeling this way and like this is the only way to go if you can't ctb by another method. I hope you can reconsider, there have been plenty of horror stories in the past.

I wish you all the best and sorry for your suffering again.

 

[anhedonya]

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I deeply understand what you mean by feeling like you're just viewed as an object and I think you do not have to be "good enough" to anyone. What I mean by that is you have inherent value. I believe this with all my heart. You sound so young and to see you already having suffered so much to view yourself like this just breaks my heart. You don't need to prove your value and worth- you already have it. And it's not an uncommon thought at all to want to use this as a form of self harm- dozens of hyper sexual people who are struggling with that in link with a recent traumatic event do that all the time. You shouldn't feel shame or like you're a bad person for thinking this way- but you do not EVER deserve it.

The best way I can phrase it is that even if you never got a job, never went to school, never "contributed" to society as others might call it (I don't think you need to contribute to be treated kindly), I still wouldn't care. I'd still want you to be happy and live a good life. Because you are inherently worthy of kindness and compassion.

I really wish you the best. It just broke my heart reading this and I'm here if you EVER need anything at all. Always feel free to message me no matter the hour.

 

[derpyderpins]

I am so, so sorry you're going through this. I deeply understand what you mean by feeling like you're just viewed as an object and I think you do not have to be "good enough" to anyone. What I mean by that is you have inherent value. I believe this with all my heart. You sound so young and to see you already having suffered so much to view yourself like this just breaks my heart. You don't need to prove your value and worth- you already have it. And it's not an uncommon thought at all to want to use this as a form of self harm- dozens of hyper sexual people who are struggling with that in link with a recent traumatic event do that all the time. You shouldn't feel shame or like you're a bad person for thinking this way- but you do not EVER deserve it.

The best way I can phrase it is that even if you never got a job, never went to school, never "contributed" to society as others might call it (I don't think you need to contribute to be treated kindly), I still wouldn't care. I'd still want you to be happy and live a good life. Because you are inherently worthy of kindness and compassion.

I really wish you the best. It just broke my heart reading this and I'm here if you EVER need anything at all. Always feel free to message me no matter the hour.

OP she nailed it but I want to go a little further. The man/men who have hurt you are the ones who are less than worthless. Anyone who would violate another - especially a child - is trash. You, by default, are worth far more to the world than they are, and you have all the potential in the world to be helpful in real ways. Right now, you're helping me contemplate the way the world is and touching our hearts, all while NOT hurting other people.

@anhedonya is correct that your feelings are valid in the sense that you have been hurt, so of course your emotions are going to be haywire, but you have to know the world is better for having one of you than it would be with any number of those men, no matter how "successful" they may be, because they're failures at being human.