NSFW Dying in Dreams and Trying to get over the Fear of Dying

[abstractcat7]

The title has two separate thoughts, not really directly tied to one another. This might be ramble-y.

I'm still trying to figure out if I even can get over the fear of death. I broke down last night, partly out of my typical mental state and me intentionally provoking upsetting memories and thoughts to try to drive myself over the edge. I just spent a couple hours crying, wiping my face, then falling asleep. Unfortunately still here. Unfortunately still afraid.

I had oddly vivid dreams last night. I don't recall what any of them are. I rarely dream, or rarely remember dreams I guess is more scientifically accurate unless I do have some rare underlying issues/conditions. When I say don't remember, I mean I closed my eyes and opened them in the morning/every time I tossed and turned throughout the night. No dreams. No vague feeling of dreams, nothing. My sleep is always poor. I don't really remember what I dreamed of last night, some of it was pleasant, some of it was violent but I've had horrible intense nightmares and night terrors and sometimes I have really bad dreams that don't affect me or something. Like I'm numb to some of it, I don't know how to describe it. It has to be a really, really, really bad nightmare to genuinely upset me in the waking world anymore.

I've always had a deep interest in dreams, dreaming, lucid dreaming, psychology, biology, etc. Stopped having much luck with normal dreams and dreaming as I became a teen, never had a single drop of luck with lucid dreaming despite multiple months long attempts to make something happen. I don't believe in magic. I just find dreaming fascinating.

I remember myths as a kid saying you couldn't die in a dream, which isn't true, and I can vouch for personally. Mostly from what I understand, people wake up before actually dying or experiencing the thing that kills them. I've had multiple vivid dreams over the years where that was not the case. Most of them were drowning/suffocation of some kind. Those things cause me a lot of fear, and are pretty strong subconscious signs of stress/mental state/where a person feels in their life. I had one that was worse than a lot of the horribly graphic things I've seen online. I tried to fight off my abusive father, who overpowered me, and over tens of seconds cut my head from my body at the neck with a large knife. A handful of hair at the top of my head in one hand, sawing with the other hand. I remember trying to fight back and feeling my vision start to warp and go blurry/darkish/like I was underwater. I remember my vision tilting slightly the more and more it went on. I remember my hands and arms going more and more limp, my attempts to even scratch at him completely failing. I remember accepting what was happening, giving up, and hoping that by giving in it would be over quicker. I remember him staring at me, sawing, as I felt something I can't even describe and my vision finally faded to black. I felt like I was sitting in that blackness for more than just a moment, more than just the dream ending and now I was looking at the backs of my eye lids. I feel like I entered that blackness while I was still in the dream. I woke up, I was completely drenched in sweat, I felt a pit in my stomach, and my chest felt a bit tight. Everything felt surreal. This wasn't a nightmare I woke up while I was in the middle of jumping out of bed and running across the room. This was a nightmare I woke up from gently with deep feelings of terror and despair throughout my entire body. I think that was the worst nightmare I've ever had.

If anyone else has experienced dying in dreams, you can share your experiences if you feel comfortable, or maybe even just a yes if you don't want to share details. This is a pretty awful thing and was hard for me to go through again. Something makes me feel like talking, not about it, but kind of around the psychology of it. Why, how, abstract whatever, idk. It's basically impossible to die in a way that means certain death, and then be able to look back and reflect on that experience. I feel like I had that experience in this dream. I don't fully understand why, I don't think there was any specific reasons I had that nightmare at the time, and I don't fully understand how. Maybe I watch too much TV.

Is it even possible to get over the fear of dying, of death? I don't believe in magic, I don't believe in a heaven or hell, I really wish there was a nice place I could go and reunite with the few living things that brought my life joy and meaning... but I don't think there is. I think when I die, it's going to be the end of perception. I won't even be able to perceive my death, or the nothingness. It'll be like when you fall asleep, have no dreams, and wake up again. Close eyes, open them again, time has passed. Except when I die, there will be no open again. I'm scared I'll mess up. I'm pretty certain I won't mess it up. I'm scared of the permanent lights out. I'm scared because I can't even comprehend it. I experienced one that is likely far worse in a dream than what I will actually experience, especially if it's instant, and it didn't make me any less afraid. Cruel and miserable existence.

 

[LK_OP]

It was worth reading. Your dream experience is quite unusual, and this is the first time I've heard of something like that. I haven't experienced death in my dreams, but I've had dreams where I've committed suicide (like finding a pistol or falling off tall building), then every time i realise it was all a dream and frustration kicks in. There have also been just good dreams that have been more interesting than my whole existence. I've been enjoying dreaming lately, as it sometimes feels nice and surreal in a good way. I also have a fear of death, for the last weeks I have been trying to decide on SN and writing down my thoughts about death, how it will feel and why I should not continue to live, but my SI are too strong and it feels like mockery. Anyway, i wish you all the best and good luck.

 

[insectontrial]

I always wake up right before I die in my dreams. I completely believed the myth you mention too, but only because it was true in my case. I have a lot of dreams where I'm falling from a height (or even just down the stairs) and when I wake up from them there's a moment where I think it's still happening and my heart beats really fast.

I've had graphic dreams about other people dying, though. Some of them have genuinely traumatised me.

 

[abstractcat7]

It was worth reading. Your dream experience is quite unusual, and this is the first time I've heard of something like that. I haven't experienced death in my dreams, but I've had dreams where I've committed suicide (like finding a pistol or falling off tall building), then every time i realise it was all a dream and frustration kicks in. There have also been just good dreams that have been more interesting than my whole existence. I've been enjoying dreaming lately, as it sometimes feels nice and surreal in a good way. I also have a fear of death, for the last weeks I have been trying to decide on SN and writing down my thoughts about death, how it will feel and why I should not continue to live, but my SI are too strong and it feels like mockery. Anyway, i wish you all the best and good luck.

Thank you. I wish the same for you. I've come to the conclusion I really do want to die, but the SI are too strong for me too. Feeling lost at the moment.

I've had plenty of good dreams, again less and less dreams overall over time, but I've had some really good ones too. My most vivid good dreams are from when I was younger. I've had those dreams you wake up from and have to take a couple minutes to figure out some things didn't actually happen, and what reality actually is, then feel miserable coming to terms with it. I've had those dreams you wake up from, realize you just woke up from a dream, remember what it was, and start crying because you can't go back. Thinking about it, I rarely have very linear/non-abstract dreams anymore. If I do they're negative ones. I don't have dreams or dream of worlds/places/lives that I wake up and wish I was back in. Things are kind of fragmented and I understand they aren't real and often I kind of have to think about them and figure them out on the rare occasions I remember them at all. It's hard to describe. They're hard to describe.

Honestly, even if the dreams were bad or mild nightmares, I still always wish I could have more of them instead of the emptiness that is most nights and most times I go to sleep. People have called me crazy for that. Maybe I am, I don't know. This world makes me feel crazy.

I always wake up right before I die in my dreams. I completely believed the myth you mention too, but only because it was true in my case. I have a lot of dreams where I'm falling from a height (or even just down the stairs) and when I wake up from them there's a moment where I think it's still happening and my heart beats really fast.

I've had graphic dreams about other people dying, though. Some of them have genuinely traumatised me.

Yeah, so your experience and understanding seems to be the norm... I think I believed the myth until I got a little bit older, life had some unfortunate happenings and changes, and my mental health started to decline. I had dreams where I died and I couldn't find much about it online, especially at the time.

Definitely had plenty of awful and graphic dreams otherwise, and yeah, some of them have been worse than a lot of the worst things I've seen online.

I know that I am my mind. My mind is my brain. I am my brain. Why does my brain do this to me? Why does my mind to this to myself? I'm probably completely wrong for attributing any form of intent, especially malicious... so it drives me crazy. Why does this have to happen? Why does existence have to be such misery? Why am I still here?