Dry vagina (sorry), aging, failed life, being forced to see friends

[tipoftheRGB]

A short while ago, I decided to keep trying at life until my 30th birthday because I felt like the evidence was showing that as long as I'm still 29, there's still hope for me to find a partner I'd actually want to be with, get married and have kids (if I can't do this then I definitely want to kill myself, if I can do this then I definitely want to live, so my life and death depend on this). I have 3 months left of being 29 so my plan was to get a job, get a social life and just throw myself in to life for 3 more months. And who knows, maybe when I hit 30, I'd find some further evidence or hope to stay alive but I'm not sure about that. But when I turned 30, there'd be christmas, new year and a couple of birthdays that would keep me distracted until I get a long stretch to plan and carry out a suicide the best way possible.

But now, and I know this is ridiculous, my vagina has gone dry. And idk it just feels like a sign. Like I've been agonising over hurtling towards the age of 30 trying to do it all in time. First at 26 - 27, I had a mental breakdown, stopped working and stopped leaving the house. Then I spent my 28th year trying to go through with my suicide because I was hopeless but something always stopped me from going through with it at the last minute. So at 29 I decided to try again until 30 but the situational depression, social isolation, long term unemployment, lack of social support or any other kind of support and lack of anything or anyone that could support or guide me has caused progress to be SLOW maybe even non-existent - I can't tell. But I told myself I'd try for just 3 more months of my 29th year. But now my vagina has gone dry and now I just feel DONE. I just needed 3 months and now my body has changed again and I know this is me "hitting the wall," dropping in estrogen, losing my fertility and aging out and just why couldn't it wait 3 months? Why now? I think I have learned helplessness now or something. Because this has happened and I looked it up and there are "solutions" but I don't believe they are any good ones or that its even worth trying anymore - it just feels like a fruitless battle against the passage of time that I can't win anymore. I've been fighting so hard for so long and time keeps winning, I can't beat the clock. I just needed 3 months and now this has happened and I don't want to try anymore. Its like that tiny bit of hope that I could somehow miraculously pull it all together in 3 months has been extinguished. Its not going to happen anymore. I don't want to die, I just want the lost time back, but its gone. My body has aged, I lost the last 4 years of my 20s to mental health issues, I lost my mid 20s to poor decisions, I was too fucked up before age 23 to help myself, I don't know anymore. And now I'm imagining what I will say in my suicide note again and it feels so ridiculous that I'm going to be telling people about my dry vagina in my suicide note. Or maybe I will just say its because I'm a 30 year old spinster because I am pretty much there now - I think I will just say it all who cares? But whats the point in trying for 3 more months when THIS has happened? This is me turning 30, hitting the wall, aging out, single, childless and I'm just tired. But I don't have the past - only the present and the future. So my options are: OPTION 1 : work through the stupid list of "solutions" for dry vagina which won't work because women in their 30s are quite dry - I can tell from porn. I'm sorry if this is tmi but how the fuck can I find a partner I'd actually want to be with when I am old and dried out like this? He will be fucking a dry hole and its just not right or natural. Why would he choose a dried up aged out woman when he can choose a late 20s or even mid 20s younger, hotter, wet woman? How can I live with myself knowing I am a dried up hag trying to convince someone to be physically attracted to me? Personality matters but so does physical attraction and it hurts knowing I am dried up and old and still alone. So work through the list of "solutions" that won't work, find a "substitute" but its not the same as natural lubrication (its fake and chemical and is a turn off instead of turn on) and be miserable and hopeless but somehow still try in this state for 3 more months. Or OPTION 2: kill myself asap - whether it ends up being 29 or 30 that I die, who cares? I aged out 3 months before hitting 30 anyway. I don't like either of these options and I feel stuck. Option 1 feels unacceptable now because of my body being dried up and aged out. I was barely holding it together before that happened and this feels like the final nail in the coffin. Or option 2. I don't want to die but I don't want my life as it is now - I need a time machine but they don't exist. I need more time but its run out. But I don't want to live now either. So what now?

And I don't have time to think about this either because I STUPIDLY agreed to see my friend and another friend in this city like 7 hours away from each other for next weekend and they are busy and have busy lives and I have cancelled several times in the past and they made me promise to not to back out so I can't back out. I agreed to see them because I thought I was going to try until 30. But now this has happened and I have lost hope and I don't know how I'm supposed to pretend everything is fine and be happy for 3+ days when I am honestly desperate to hang myself. I think I MIGHT be able to go through with ctb now because this last thing is just the final nail in the coffin for me. So how the fuck I am supposed to go on this trip for 3+ days and hang out with these people and pretend to be happy and positive when neither of those things are true. I can't tell them the truth either because one of them said I'm selfish for talking about suicide all the time and he doesn't want to talk about my problems with me and the other one can't keep a secret so I can't tell her anything because if I did live I couldn't allow anyone to know the details of my problems because it would destroy any chance (real or imagined) of a life I have left. I don't want to cancel on them but idk how to get through this trip. I guess I can just let them speak to each other and I can just be really quiet for the 3+ days? I could probably do a day or a night in this state but 3+ days - how can I manage this?

I don't know what to do about any of this. I'm thinking, survive this "holiday" SOMEHOW (any tips on how I can manage that for 3+ days?) and then idk about after that? I wanted to hang myself but at 28 I couldn't go through with it but now approaching 30 and having a dry vagina (ott maybe but idc), I feel like I am much more likely to be able to go through with it. God I am really really unhappy and I am stuck because I desperately want to not have my life anymore but stuff always stops me going through with ctb. Like my life is unbearable but I just feel so desperately unhappy about killing myself because I had so much potential and I know I could have lived a happy and amazing life and I know I have the potential to actually make a dent in the world in a meaningful and good way and it feels like such a waste. I have friends who I really like even though they don't listen to or support me like I need them to but I still like them and enjoy their company. I love life itself. I love being alive. I know I could have some cool and amazing career. But the lack of partner and kids is enough to make me want to throw it all away but it feels like such a waste. And I've worked so hard up until now. But I also don't want to live without being able to marry and have kids - I can't accept a life with that not in it. Some people don't understand that but this is one thing I can't compromise on. I can't BEAR my life. I can't BEAR it. What do I do?

 

[Hvergelmir]

You're speaking like you're turning 70 or 80.
Frankly, I think your libido is decreased due to stress and worries about turning 30. I would not be surprised if you recover quickly, especially if you find someone you're attracted to. (This is a blunt but sincere guess.)

Disregarding the fact that most men in their 30's and beyond doesn't have a harem of 20-year-olds to pick from, there's also a genuine demand for somewhat older women. That demand is big enough that milf is a culturally recognized term.
There's also the issue of difference in culture, experience and expectations. Most people seem to prefer others around the same age as themselves, for serious relationships.

Age aside, you're giving yourself very little time to find the right one and create a family. My only advice it to try relaxing and slowing down.
People twice you age are finding partners, and lots of peoples are forming families and getting kids in their 30's nowadays.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I struggle with similar issues to you, although I'm male so I've probably experienced it a bit differently but I think it's similar enough. I've never been in a relationship and it's been one of my motivating factors to ctb.

As a man, I can tell you right now that many young men like myself prefer women who are older than them. Why? Because they're more mature than 20 year old women who are often still in college. Many young people, men and women, act... insufferably I guess is the right word. There's a lot of arrogance, bravado, and entitlement they have that I've noticed many people in their late twenties and thirties don't have as often.

Why would he choose a dried up aged out woman when he can choose a late 20s or even mid 20s younger, hotter, wet woman?

I think a lot of guys who are in their late teens and early twenties are concerned mainly for sex and not much else, but once our brains develop and the hormones start slowing down that becomes secondary to the person. Most guys I don't think want to just fuck any and every woman they see. It's unfulfilling. Many do, and they're miserable. It's in the same vein of how many women have lots of sex with lots of men. They're just as miserable as the guys are, probably more so due to the stigmas surrounding it.

In my experience, I think almost all women are attractive. I don't care about lines on the face or skin problems. I don't think you'd want a guy who's gonna nitpick over things like that either because they suck to deal with. I can't even tell the difference between a woman who is 35 and 20. I don't use social media so I don't know how guys talk on there but I know in real life, most of the guys I talk to really just want a woman who will acknowledge their existence. That's the standard (it's a pretty low one). Finding those guys is a problem though because most of us are complete shut-ins while the ones who have higher standards are more often than not the ones you're most likely to actually meet since they actually go out and talk to women.

work through the stupid list of "solutions" for dry vagina which won't work because women in their 30s are quite dry - I can tell from porn.

I thought men were supposed to be able to last for 30 minutes due to porn. They can't. They can in porn due to drugs, and deceptive editing. For women they use lubricants, perfect lighting, high resolution cameras and color filters to make their vaginas appear more wet because it's more appealing. The exact same reason why they have exaggerated facial expressions and moaning. Porn isn't real. It's acting. Everything is overexaggerated to put on a show. That's all it is, a show.

Even if we take the worst case scenario and your vagina is dry, so what? Lots of men have trouble getting an erection. Do you judge them for it? Hell even I have problems getting one since I'm on SSRIs. I'd be willing to bet you wouldn't be judgmental about it. There's ways they can fix it. A man isn't going to judge you for it either. You can't control what your body does, but you can take steps to mitigate it. I'd wager my entire bank account that if you found someone you're attracted to the issue would go away without any effort on your part.

My sister did not get married until she was 32 years old. I think she's going to be having her first child later this year I think the talk on the internet about "the wall" is damaging but untrue. I honestly thought it was just a joke until I saw this post before I realized that people do take it seriously and it really affects them.

I'm not going to offer up the solutions of online dating or singles events. I've heard that before and laugh bitterly when it's suggested. I don't know what the solution is since I'm still looking for it myself. What it sounds like to me, and @Hvergelmir mentioned this as well, is that you are going through a period of extreme stress with this issue. It's understandable. We're wired to crave this deep connection with others. When you do find someone you're attracted to it will rebound.

May I ask how you're attempting to meet other partners? I for one am not trying, which is why I'm still single. It might be a good idea to explore your options. There's plenty of local events to participate in, and maybe you could form a connection there. I was planning on attending an event next month that doesn't even have anything to do with dating. It's just a board/video game event. Bonding over activities is low-pressure and one of the best ways to form a bond. Who knows, maybe it could even be a special one? It might be worth looking into. I think those speed dating and and singles events are just too awkward, and besides many of them have a high ratio of women to men. If you want a man, you'll have to meet them in their spaces, which can be tricky to navigate but more often than not they're very welcoming and enthusiastic about the prospect.

 

[tipoftheRGB]

You're speaking like you're turning 70 or 80.
Frankly, I think your libido is decreased due to stress and worries about turning 30. I would not be surprised if you recover quickly, especially if you find someone you're attracted to. (This is a blunt but sincere guess.)

Disregarding the fact that most men in their 30's and beyond doesn't have a harem of 20-year-olds to pick from, there's also a genuine demand for somewhat older women. That demand is big enough that milf is a culturally recognized term.
There's also the issue of difference in culture, experience and expectations. Most people seem to prefer others around the same age as themselves, for serious relationships.

Age aside, you're giving yourself very little time to find the right one and create a family. My only advice it to try relaxing and slowing down.
People twice you age are finding partners, and lots of peoples are forming families and getting kids in their 30's nowadays.

Women go dry and become infertile decades and decades before 70 or 80 so I'm not being unreasonable here. I promise you I have had much more severe stress and worries before this and it had no effect - I promise you this dryness is biological. I imagine its a drop in estrogen or idk how it works really. I saw a thread on here from 2 years ago where a woman said she experienced similar around the age of 30 but the thread was unfortunately derailed by other things so I couldn't find a solution there. Also I have a decent libido, its just dryness that is a problem. Sorry for being so crude and explicit but I am at the end of my metaphorical rope here.

I'm aware most guys in their 30s aren't with 20 year olds. But the few single guys left in their 30s who I am actually attracted to seem to go for late 20s women or even mid 20s women sometimes. I know there are many younger men who like older women and thats also why "milfs" are so popular but I'm not attracted to younger men at all so that doesn't help my situation at all. I have considered settling for someone I don't like or am not attracted to but I have concluded that I'd rather ctb than do that. I agree age gaps are often not huge but men in their 30s and even early 40s seem to go after late 20s women so I have basically aged out of the demographic where I could realistically settle down.

Tbh I just need to survive 29 for now. I can think about 30 when it arrives. But I at the very least had enough hope for 29 to try for 3 more months. But I am horrified and upset my body changed like this months before my 30th birthday like I was just hoping I could at least rely on having 3 more months but obviously aging doesn't happen on a strict schedule. I'm just disappointed this happened before my 30th birthday. I've seen women in their 30s find partners who I am personally not attracted to and start families but I just can't settle like that like for me it goes finding a partner I actually want to be with and have a family with > ctb > settle for someone I don't like or am not attracted to even though many women do that. I think women can find good partners much later in life like 50s+ but thats like a "find someone to do the end of life with" kind of thing - its not the same kind of thing as settling down and having a family like people look for different things for that. Thank you for your advice and suggestions.

 

[tipoftheRGB]

I struggle with similar issues to you, although I'm male so I've probably experienced it a bit differently but I think it's similar enough. I've never been in a relationship and it's been one of my motivating factors to ctb.

As a man, I can tell you right now that many young men like myself prefer women who are older than them. Why? Because they're more mature than 20 year old women who are often still in college. Many young people, men and women, act... insufferably I guess is the right word. There's a lot of arrogance, bravado, and entitlement they have that I've noticed many people in their late twenties and thirties don't have as often.

I think a lot of guys who are in their late teens and early twenties are concerned mainly for sex and not much else, but once our brains develop and the hormones start slowing down that becomes secondary to the person. Most guys I don't think want to just fuck any and every woman they see. It's unfulfilling. Many do, and they're miserable. It's in the same vein of how many women have lots of sex with lots of men. They're just as miserable as the guys are, probably more so due to the stigmas surrounding it.

In my experience, I think almost all women are attractive. I don't care about lines on the face or skin problems. I don't think you'd want a guy who's gonna nitpick over things like that either because they suck to deal with. I can't even tell the difference between a woman who is 35 and 20. I don't use social media so I don't know how guys talk on there but I know in real life, most of the guys I talk to really just want a woman who will acknowledge their existence. That's the standard (it's a pretty low one). Finding those guys is a problem though because most of us are complete shut-ins while the ones who have higher standards are more often than not the ones you're most likely to actually meet since they actually go out and talk to women.

I thought men were supposed to be able to last for 30 minutes due to porn. They can't. They can in porn due to drugs, and deceptive editing. For women they use lubricants, perfect lighting, high resolution cameras and color filters to make their vaginas appear more wet because it's more appealing. The exact same reason why they have exaggerated facial expressions and moaning. Porn isn't real. It's acting. Everything is overexaggerated to put on a show. That's all it is, a show.

Even if we take the worst case scenario and your vagina is dry, so what? Lots of men have trouble getting an erection. Do you judge them for it? Hell even I have problems getting one since I'm on SSRIs. I'd be willing to bet you wouldn't be judgmental about it. There's ways they can fix it. A man isn't going to judge you for it either. You can't control what your body does, but you can take steps to mitigate it. I'd wager my entire bank account that if you found someone you're attracted to the issue would go away without any effort on your part.

My sister did not get married until she was 32 years old. I think she's going to be having her first child later this year I think the talk on the internet about "the wall" is damaging but untrue. I honestly thought it was just a joke until I saw this post before I realized that people do take it seriously and it really affects them.

I'm not going to offer up the solutions of online dating or singles events. I've heard that before and laugh bitterly when it's suggested. I don't know what the solution is since I'm still looking for it myself. What it sounds like to me, and @Hvergelmir mentioned this as well, is that you are going through a period of extreme stress with this issue. It's understandable. We're wired to crave this deep connection with others. When you do find someone you're attracted to it will rebound.

May I ask how you're attempting to meet other partners? I for one am not trying, which is why I'm still single. It might be a good idea to explore your options. There's plenty of local events to participate in, and maybe you could form a connection there. I was planning on attending an event next month that doesn't even have anything to do with dating. It's just a board/video game event. Bonding over activities is low-pressure and one of the best ways to form a bond. Who knows, maybe it could even be a special one? It might be worth looking into. I think those speed dating and and singles events are just too awkward, and besides many of them have a high ratio of women to men. If you want a man, you'll have to meet them in their spaces, which can be tricky to navigate but more often than not they're very welcoming and enthusiastic about the prospect.

I'm sorry you are also experiencing similar problems. I've also never been in a relationship but the past doesn't matter - only the present and future matter. But yeah struggling to find one is a fair enough reason to ctb imo if you are past a certain age and if you have exhausted all options. Am I allowed to ask how old you are, even roughly? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to - just asking because might be able to give more advice depending on your age.

I checked your profile and I see that maybe your autism is causing you to struggle to find a partner? I am really sorry about that - it is definitely much harder for autistic people to find partners. I do actually know 3 autistic men who were able to find partners though if that helps? One of them is gay so won't mention anymore about him unless you happen to be bisexual. But the other 2 are straight. One of them is really in to raving, rave music and rave culture and he smokes a fair amount of weed and does drugs, hes really confident and just acts like he dgaf. He met his first gf who has adhd because he was set up on a date by their mutual friend who is also autistic. Idk how he met his second gf but I think it was through rave stuff. Then the other guy was really in to a specific kind of rock music and was really obsessed with Bring Me The Horizon and he went to a lot of gigs, drank a lot and I think he also smoked weed and did drugs as well. He also had a unique style like he seemed to do his hair and wear clothes the way people who are in to that kind of music do it. And his gf was obsessed with that kind of music too and I think they might have met at a gig. He also seemed quite confident but not in the cocky way of the previous guy and he was quite sweet. So maybe the key is to get really in to a specific type of music in an inclusive type of music scene and also have a specific style related to that scene and act confident and meet someone through that? Or have niche interests that women also like that tend to attract more inclusive types of people? But yeah idk what you have tried, I just thought I would put that out there to give you hope just in case you don't personally know any autistic guys who succeeded at finding a partner.

I know many young men like older women and many older women like younger men. Personally I am not attracted to younger men at all so I am trying to appeal to a tiny pool of men in their 30s+ but I feel like I can't compete against late 20s women for those men because late 20s women have both maturity and youth/beauty. Yeah late teens/early 20s people and often mid 20s people can be very immature agreed. But I am now competing against late 20s women who are generally quite mature as a woman turning 30. I just don't think I can do it at 30+ without settling and I did seriously consider settling but I concluded I'd rather ctb although I know some people would choose settling but personally I can't do that. Personality matters but so does physical attraction for most people. So physical attraction to the one person you get with still matters.

Most men I have met care about appearance and do not find women with lines and old skin physically attractive. I think 99.9999% of people on the planet can tell your average 35 year old and 20 year old woman apart so maybe you are demisexual or not very visual or something? Because not being able to tell a 35 year old and 20 year old woman apart is very unusual. Sounds like you hang out with a subsection of men who don't do so well with women or you are very very young? Most men I know have female friends and bounce from relationship to relationship (and vice versa with the women I know) although they are mostly settled down now. Again I don't want to date a man I don't fancy so I'm personally not looking to settle down with a shut in who has never spoken to a woman because thats not who I am (even though I am temporarily in that situation rn but I wasn't like this before).

Yes but my point is, even in porn which is exaggerated to look good the women in their 30s are dry and the women in their 20s aren't so that actually reflects the reality. If anything they would be applying lube to women in their 30s to make it look better but they don't seem to do that weirdly. I'm sorry this is such a crude and explicit thing to talk about on a public website but I don't have anywhere else to talk about this and I've been really upset about this.

No you're right I guess I wouldn't necessarily judge for something like that but it could still be a problem if it can't be resolved because sex is important in a relationship otherwise its just a friendship. Also everyones standards are different and I wouldn't judge a man for having those standards. Also at my age I have a lot of competition so I have to be better than the competition and I'm not anymore. A man could secretly take viagra for that and no one would know but if I secretly applied lube it would be obvious because its fake and chemical. But why would you bet your bank account on that when dryness does seem to be a thing in womens 30s and also even though I haven't had a man in my life for 4 years, I had no problems with dryness for the past 4 years? The only thing that has changed is that I'm older so I think its aging.

How old was your sister when she met the guy and how old is he and what is he like? Because women can find partners at any age but the type of man they end up doesn't seem to be so attractive to me for women who are 30+ imo. I think the wall is real. Its not a new thing. Spinsters, old maids and mad cat ladies came before it. Theres a word for it across every culture and all throughout history. Young women have options that older women don't. I am now the older woman with bleak options. Before I came across "the wall" on the internet I was already obsessed with not becoming a spinster from childhood anyway because this is an age old problem.

Honestly rn I am in no state to find a partner - I just need hope to survive the next 3 months. I wouldn't be able to find a partner rn because I am long term unemployed and don't leave the house. I just need the hope to apply for a job and get a life instead of ctb before 30. I also need hope for this upcoming trip next weekend so I don't ruin the whole weekend by being a miserable black hole sucking happiness out of everyone for 3+ days. I was willing to try for the next 3 months until this dryness thing had me going crazy. I've tried writing about it to release it and researching solutions and trying to put it to the back of my mind but I think the only way I can deal with my issues is to speak to other people about them which I can only do on here. Thank you for your advice and suggestions.

I agree with your idea that going to stuff related to your interests is a good way to meet people. Although I'm assuming a video game group will probably be male dominated so would be more useful for friends than partners in your case (I might be stereotyping though like maybe there will be lots of women there who knows). But if you get in to inclusive types of music and attend social groups of that nature you might do well in that case. Honestly I just need hope to survive long enough to get a job and survive until 30 which was my plan until I went crazy over this dryness thing which for me feels like a sign that I'm hitting the wall and aging out because it does seem to happen around 30 for women. Anyway I think you should attend those events - good luck with them. And thanks again for your advice etc.

 

[dragonofenvy]

How old was your sister when she met the guy and how old is he and what is he like? Because women can find partners at any age but the type of man they end up doesn't seem to be so attractive to me for women who are 30+ imo.

Both in their late twenties. He's always been kind and playful. He's a teacher, just like she is. He's also conventionally attractive, in a more masculine kind of way. I know some women prefer men without beards / less masculine looking. I believe it was her first and only lover.

I think 99.9999% of people on the planet can tell your average 35 year old and 20 year old woman apart so maybe you are demisexual or not very visual or something?

I mean, some people in their 30s look old yeah. But most women I've met in their thirties don't look like they're old. It's when they get into their 40s that I can really tell they're old. I guess maybe the ones I've met just have a youthful appearance. Or maybe I just really don't give a shit about a women's appearance. There's things I don't like, sure, but I'm not out here expecting my dream girl to be a 8/10. Most people I know in relationships by most standards date fairly average or below average people. I know someone who dated a woman who was balding. The way he talked she was the hottest woman on the planet. Some people really just don't have very high standards, and I guess I'm one of them.

Most men I have met care about appearance and do not find women with lines and old skin physically attractive.

Yes. You're correct. Everyone cares about appearance. That being said, just because you have some problems with your skin doesn't automatically mean you're done for life. There's plenty of women out there who are overweight or have really bad skin problems (acne, eczema) that I've seen who are in relationships.

Sounds like you hang out with a subsection of men who don't do so well with women or you are very very young? Most men I know have female friends and bounce from relationship to relationship

25 years old. While yes, many of the men I know don't do so well with women, there's also many of them who are shut-ins who are in good relationships. You don't need to be a party animal to find a relationship. It sounds to me like you're not super introverted so you'll want someone who's also like that to match you.

ersonally I am not attracted to younger men at all so I am trying to appeal to a tiny pool of men in their 30s+ but I feel like I can't compete against late 20s women for those men because late 20s women have both maturity and youth/beauty. Yeah late teens/early 20s people and often mid 20s people can be very immature agreed. But I am now competing against late 20s women who are generally quite mature as a woman turning 30. I just don't think I can do it at 30+ without settling and I did seriously consider settling but I concluded I'd rather ctb although I know some people would choose settling but personally I can't do that. Personality matters but so does physical attraction for most people. So physical attraction to the one person you get with still matters.

Fair, but I'm confused what you mean by "settling." Everyone has expectations that must be met, of course, but I wonder what your expectations are. If you feel as though you can't compete with these women, and don't want to "settle" then what results are you expecting? Sorry if it's blunt, but it's the truth.

I know this is rich coming from a guy who's also never been in a relationship, but in my case it's because I do not create those opportunities. I don't have the opportunity to "settle" because there's 0 in the first place. What opportunities have you had? What opportunities do you currently have?

The point of a relationship is not to find the perfect partner, but to find someone to build a better life with together. If you're looking for perfection, you'll never find it.

Also at my age I have a lot of competition so I have to be better than the competition and I'm not anymore.

Why can't you be? Also, who says you need to be better? Like I said, there's plenty of women who are almost certainly beneath you in terms of attractiveness that have partners. You've seen them. I've seen them. Unless you're horrifically disfigured with a BMI of 50 I think you're going to be seen as at least average. Have you gotten feedback about your appearance from people you know? I think what's holding you back is that you're holding yourself to this high standard, and thus you're paralyzing yourself from making efforts.
I could be very wrong., I've only seen this post from you. It's just the vibe I'm getting. I'm sure it's a multi-faceted issue but it's just something I'm picking up on.

Honestly rn I am in no state to find a partner - I just need hope to survive the next 3 months. I wouldn't be able to find a partner rn because I am long term unemployed and don't leave the house.

While men care about employment status it's not as important as it is to women. If you're in no state to find a partner right now, it's best to work on yourself to be the best version of yourself for them. Take these next 3 months, try to improve your situation. Maybe finding employment will boost your confidence because that's a box for you to check.

the women in their 30s are dry

I have never in my life heard of this. I know it happens during menopause, but in your 30s? The only time I've heard of this happening is if there's a medical issue, or if you're on certain medications or are very stressed/depressed. Have you seen a gynecologist? They probably would be able to help a lot more than what you're seeing online. At the very least they'd be able to rule out any medical concerns.

I promise you I have had much more severe stress and worries before this and it had no effect - I promise you this dryness is biological.

Yes, but that's also the past. I think your query about it being a drop in estrogen sounds very plausible. If you haven't already you really need to get it checked out, especially if it's causing this much distress. I cannot stress this enough. The choices are to do try something about it, or do nothing and let it continue to cause problems. I spent a long time ignoring physical problems I had, and it only made them worse. Then I went to get them checked out, and they got better.

And thanks again for your advice etc.

I appreciate the advice you gave me as well. I think we come from very different backgrounds and have quite divergent attitudes when it comes to how men & women view relationships. I suppose since I've hung out primarily with introverted men & women that's how I got my perspective. I didn't hang around people who did drugs or went to concerts or anything like that. It was mostly the quiet people, because I liked the quiet people, and it's the kind of partner I'd want. I think what I did is projected my experience onto you. I apologize for that. It's not the first time I've done it on here and it's something I need to work on.

Thank you for respectfully painting a picture of your experience without making assumptions about mine as I had done to you.

You seem very insightful about yourself and open to feedback. I hope some of the more capable members of this site can continue to give you advice. Hopefully my two cents gave you some perspective. At the very least, know that you're not the only person struggling with relationships. Plenty of people on here struggle. I'm grateful at times to not be in a relationship from some of the stories I've seen on here because from what they tell the grass at times isn't greener. I hope you can find the right person for you.

Take care.

 

[Hvergelmir]

Women go dry and become infertile decades and decades before 70 or 80 so I'm not being unreasonable here.

I'm very much not a subject expert, but menopause usually starts around 50. You're not close to that.
With 30 being a round number we often give extra significance, it's also an odd coincidence, pointing me to possible mental causes. Thus my guess.
Consider speaking to a doctor. They can check your hormone levels, and generally know much more about this stuff.

I know there are many younger men who like older women and thats also why "milfs" are so popular but I'm not attracted to younger men at all so that doesn't help my situation at all.

I don't think those young men stop looking at that age range, as they themselves grow older. My point was not to describe young men, but what I believe to be a pretty widespread preference.

 

[ConstantPain]

I know it may not help to get advice from someone older but I can assure you that at 30 you are not old. Honestly, I felt confident enough throughout my 30's that I could go out and hook up if I wanted to. In fact, I am certain that someone tried to rape me and probably would have trafficked me if I had been more vulnerable. That didn't happen until I was 36!
I did occasionally deal with dryness and I stress the word occasionally. I think it's completely normal, especially when we're really stressed. I can promise you that it was never a deal breaker if I needed to add a little lube. I've also dealt with interstitial cystitis and it would sometimes cause sex to be painful. Fortunately I went to a good gynecologist and he gave me lidocaine gel to apply down there and told me to use replens. It's a gel that you insert and it gives you continuous moisture for 3 days. It helped me a lot, and never seemed harsh or chemical. After using it for a couple weeks, my own moisture came back and I didn't need to use it anymore. I'm pretty sure that happened in my 20's.