Venting Drowning in numbness with no way out

[SecretDissociation]

I'm bathed in so much numbness and it's becoming so so hard to ignore it. 19 years of my life with no feeling. Just the feeling of pain and anxiety. I want to end this numbness. Not even medication can take me out of this. I'm stuck.

I think my psychiatrist hates me. He is stuck in my brain and I feel so bad for him. He has to deal with me. A useless husk of a person that just masks everything. I want him out of my brain.. This is why I hate socialising. Everyone haunts me in my mind.

Nothing makes me feel emotion. I can't even feel shit. When I cry I don't feel sadness just the husk from being numb. Music so loud my ears ring and hurt can't even make me feel human.

I'm a subhuman being. Hell not even human. I'm so tired. Why does nothing work with me? Numb so numb so indescribably numb. I wish I could phase out of existence. I need to attempt suicide right now I need the feeling of being close to death I need to overdose on useless medicine I need to take my rope and attempt at my local forest park I need to br close to death

I'm in so much pain my chest hurts. It hurts so much why are there tears in my eyes what is this numb so uselessly numb subhuman creature