dreaming of the world after my death

[matsuzaka]

i have no motivation to do anything anymore. i lay down in bed and stare at the wall while i daydream of the world beyond my death. the trash piles up, the dishes remain dirty, the laundry remains unwashed. i dont want to live in filth but i just cant bring myself to do anything anymore; but its okay, it'll all be okay once i've passed

as i lay there i reminisce of what was and what will soon be. i imagine the police arriving to investigate my dead, blue body as my abusive household is finally free of its final victim. i imagine my suicide letters being sent out to my friends and family. i imagine my friends crying to the news. i imagine my beloved partner watching the recordings of my suicide note i made for her. i imagine her growing up and carrying me with her, as she watches the videos i had recorded for her birthdays. i understand i can do more for her while i am alive, but i do not have it in me to keep going. leaving her will be my largest regret. i am sorry, my love.

i hope my death can change the lives of the people i hold dearest, in ways i simply could not while i was alive. my dream was always to be someone who could change people's lives through my creations, but i have no energy to create anything anymore. i hope my death will be my finest creation. a bittersweet gift enveloped in my love for those who have shared a part of their soul with me. i hope it leads them to be more aware of those downtrodden by society. i hope it leads them to want to inspire and change others in ways i never could.

i understand it is idealistic, i understand it is selfish, but to love others is my sole purpose in this world and i hope i can continue looking over others in my passing.

 

[aeoliandawn]

I guess it's a shared experience then. I do daydream about the world after my passing too. In the end, "time" will heal their wounds, unlike me, time made my wounds deeper and rotten. They'll move on eventually and I guess it's for the best, right?
As for you, I find it beautiful the extra care you have for your partner and, from what I read of your post, seems like she'd be the one to hurt most. It's beautiful how you made sure she wouldn't feel guilty for your passing.
As always, I'll never wish for a person to ctb, somehow, it's against my own moral compass, and yet I understand you completely.
I wish your situation was different and you wouldn't feel like ctb was your only option.
But I do understand your feeling, most are here for the same reasons.
Take care buddy, and create as much as you can while you still have even a bit of energy

 

[matsuzaka]

I guess it's a shared experience then. I do daydream about the world after my passing too. In the end, "time" will heal their wounds, unlike me, time made my wounds deeper and rotten. They'll move on eventually and I guess it's for the best, right?
As for you, I find it beautiful the extra care you have for your partner and, from what I read of your post, seems like she'd be the one to hurt most. It's beautiful how you made sure she wouldn't feel guilty for your passing.
As always, I'll never wish for a person to ctb, somehow, it's against my own moral compass, and yet I understand you completely.
I wish your situation was different and you wouldn't feel like ctb was your only option.
But I do understand your feeling, most are here for the same reasons.
Take care buddy, and create as much as you can while you still have even a bit of energy

thank you so much, i will try my best to survive, im willing to at least try one more round of medications before i finish planning out my ctb, maybe ill find something worth living for then~

your reply made me feel a lot better actually, you seem like a sweet soul <3

 

[aeoliandawn]

thank you so much, i will try my best to survive, im willing to at least try one more round of medications before i finish planning out my ctb, maybe ill find something worth living for then~

your reply made me feel a lot better actually, you seem like a sweet soul <3

I'm glad I could help, even if just a little bit
It's a good thing you're still willing to at least try another healthy way to deal with your issues, and I hope everything goes well and you can finally get away from your abusive family and get a good mental health!
If you don't mind me asking, what do you create? I couldn't understand it completely from the context of your original post!

 

[matsuzaka]

I'm glad I could help, even if just a little bit
It's a good thing you're still willing to at least try another healthy way to deal with your issues, and I hope everything goes well and you can finally get away from your abusive family and get a good mental health!
If you don't mind me asking, what do you create? I couldn't understand it completely from the context of your original post!

i am currently in the process of moving countries back to my family in the US, but i should be getting my own apartment in mid september!! i'll be living with my partner so i am looking forward to that at the very least~

also, i make games! i do indie game dev, mostly stuff like visual novels, platformers, and ive made some shoot-em-ups and action rpgs in there~ i enjoy putting my life stories into video games to try and maybe make something that others can relate to! video games always have such a nice way to share stories with people who may never interact with your kind of people. i draw a lot of inspiration from games like "a bag of milk inside a bag of milk" or "needy streamer overload". i enjoy making things that talk about the experiences of those downtrodden by society as i myself am half deaf among my several debilitating mental health issues; and maybe one day that will inspire some change in the world who knows~


being a game developer is already a pretty niche thing so i try not to talk about it too much or what exactly i make in lieu of not doxxing myself in case anyone here has played my games as sasu probably has a lot of my target audience hjshjshs

 

[aeoliandawn]

i am currently in the process of moving countries back to my family in the US, but i should be getting my own apartment in mid september!! i'll be living with my partner so i am looking forward to that at the very least~

also, i make games! i do indie game dev, mostly stuff like visual novels, platformers, and ive made some shoot-em-ups and action rpgs in there~ i enjoy putting my life stories into video games to try and maybe make something that others can relate to! video games always have such a nice way to share stories with people who may never interact with your kind of people. i draw a lot of inspiration from games like "a bag of milk inside a bag of milk" or "needy streamer overload". i enjoy making things that talk about the experiences of those downtrodden by society as i myself am half deaf among my several debilitating mental health issues; and maybe one day that will inspire some change in the world who knows~


being a game developer is already a pretty niche thing so i try not to talk about it too much or what exactly i make in lieu of not doxxing myself in case anyone here has played my games as sasu probably has a lot of my target audience hjshjshs

Oh golly that's actually so cool!! I never met anyone who was a game developer!! (I mean, I didn't really meet you, but you get what I'm saying, right?)
Anyways, I'm glad things are working on yours favor towards moving, right? I bet you're excited to live with your partner!
I hope everything goes well to you buddy! :D