GoSan1
Misfit
- Nov 7, 2024
- 340
Yesterday I went to bed with a mental breakdown. I wasn't sure on whether I should ctb, If I were allowed to. It felt so weird, but I thought about my brother which made me sad, being unable to help him in growing up, but I did what I always do, pray.
And I had one of the weirdest nights I ever had then. I slowly caught a cold so I couldn't sleep that well. Then I suddenly had a short but detailed dream, I was in the bathroom trying to throw up something, but only white spit came out. It was not painful or uncomfortable, but rather everything was going hazy and so relaxing. I then tripped over my bath, lying on my back, and slowly passed out. That was it. It wasn't a nightmare or something that made me wake up, but I slept peacefully. I then woke up, with a sore throat since I got a cold, but I felt so refreshed. I went to work and it was cold outside.
At work, everything went bad for some reason besides at the end. I saw some news about Russia and Ukraine striking back and forth, poor people who suffer from war. I take no stance at all and don't wanna make this political, but it kinda calms me down to see this world going down anyways. But then out of nowhere, my coworker said "It's going to be 16ā C on Sunday and Monday". Since I was planning to ctb on the night of sunday the 24th Nov., I couldn't believe it. I mean just look at this jump in weather:
I now feel more confident in it being OK to lay myself to rest. Just took my first Meto ever to see if I show any signs of not taking it well...
Im still giving life an chance by postponing my ctb if something very big happens that changes my mind, but right now its not looking like thats going to be the case...
Idk why im even sharing this, its selfish honestly, but this Forum has been with me and helped me find a way out, so I think I owe it my story at least...
Either way, I will probably make one last post before I reach that day.
I hope we all find peace and happiness.
And I had one of the weirdest nights I ever had then. I slowly caught a cold so I couldn't sleep that well. Then I suddenly had a short but detailed dream, I was in the bathroom trying to throw up something, but only white spit came out. It was not painful or uncomfortable, but rather everything was going hazy and so relaxing. I then tripped over my bath, lying on my back, and slowly passed out. That was it. It wasn't a nightmare or something that made me wake up, but I slept peacefully. I then woke up, with a sore throat since I got a cold, but I felt so refreshed. I went to work and it was cold outside.
At work, everything went bad for some reason besides at the end. I saw some news about Russia and Ukraine striking back and forth, poor people who suffer from war. I take no stance at all and don't wanna make this political, but it kinda calms me down to see this world going down anyways. But then out of nowhere, my coworker said "It's going to be 16ā C on Sunday and Monday". Since I was planning to ctb on the night of sunday the 24th Nov., I couldn't believe it. I mean just look at this jump in weather:
I now feel more confident in it being OK to lay myself to rest. Just took my first Meto ever to see if I show any signs of not taking it well...
Im still giving life an chance by postponing my ctb if something very big happens that changes my mind, but right now its not looking like thats going to be the case...
Idk why im even sharing this, its selfish honestly, but this Forum has been with me and helped me find a way out, so I think I owe it my story at least...
Either way, I will probably make one last post before I reach that day.
I hope we all find peace and happiness.
