Venting Dragging myself along.

[halleyscomet]

I'm so defeated and exhausted, but I keep continuing on and I don't know why. I have nobody irl who cares about, or even bothers to talk to me. My aspirations are too out of reach for me to ever be able to achieve. But I'm still somehow going on, I'm dead already I'm like a zombie wondering around thoughtless and alone. I'm going for another interview tomorrow, I do not care to go, but I go anyways. I feel as if I am functioning on autopilot, alone and so disconnected from what is going in around me.

I want to ctb so badly, but I just haven't and I have no idea why. I am so deeply unhappy and alone, I am at a loss of what to do. Nothing brings me joy anymore except for when I talk to others. When I'm surrounded by people, I feel like myself. But everyone either abuses me or leaves me. I so badly want to hang out with someone, a friend a partner I don't care, I just really need someone, but that person never comes. I need a hug so badly, and I don't know why. Every night I cry myself to sleep because I wish I could be held. I imagine it, the warmth, the joy - but it never comes.

I know I'm ill, I know I shouldn't rely on others. But I need that love so badly. I'm crying as I'm writing this, I'm so overwhelmed with loneliness. I just want to drink until I pass out, but I have to go to this stupid fucking interview. I'm autistic work overwhelms me, it destroys me.

I can't handle any more of this, I really can't do it anymore. I'm so desperate and I don't know what to do with all this pain. It's trapped inside me and I just can't do it anymore.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Hard identify.

Practically, put an icepack on your eye sockets. It helps cuz your body's like "oh shit we've fallen into ice water", so it will cut that strong emotion down to a tolerable level.

I'm literally writing from a trailer in the woods that's how hermit lol, so I get missing a hug. I got a cat to help with that but now I feel I owe her ten more years?

Maybe get a senior cat lol. They are in shelters too.

 

[halleyscomet]

Hard identify.

Practically, put an icepack on your eye sockets. It helps cuz your body's like "oh shit we've fallen into ice water", so it will cut that strong emotion down to a tolerable level.

I'm literally writing from a trailer in the woods that's how hermit lol, so I get missing a hug. I got a cat to help with that but now I feel I owe her ten more years?

Maybe get a senior cat lol. They are in shelters too.

I have a cat, she isn't even a year old yet. Might go give her a cuddle she's very sweet but feisty!

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I have a cat, she isn't even a year old yet. Might go give her a cuddle she's very sweet but feisty!

Mine is four now, still got the feisty going on lol

The oldest cat is like 34.... oh man I hope disability is ok

 

[LaughingGoat]

I imagine a lot here relate to that. I think most suicidal people generally keep going because some mix of still having an ember of hope left, instincts, and conditioning to continue struggling through life rather than "finalize their failure in life" through an irreversible action.

 

[anhedonya]

We're only human, there's nothing wrong with "relying" on others by means of seeking them out for love and care. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for that, and if anything, it's just messed up that so many people have treated you in the opposite manner of the kindness you deserved. I'm sorry that you have to keep going to interviews even in a state like this. You underwent so much trauma in such a short period of time- it's completely understandable that you can't handle being fully present in the world at the moment. If you ever want to talk about anything at all, I will listen and be there. I wish you had someone you could trust in real life to ask for that hug. :(

 

[LostSoul1965]

I am sorry you feel this way. You deserve better. That was so well written and I can relate to everything you expressed. No one should have to suffer as we do.