Drafts

[lavenderlilylies]

Loneliness
More than I've fantasized about romantic love, I've dreamed of another person I could share parts of my soul with, a friend I don't feel the need to pretend around.
I haven't had any friends for years now. The ones I had growing up, well, as a child I was too detached from my emotions that I didn't realize that we were "friends". And as a teenager I feared vulnerability to the extent that it was too much for me to consider them friends. I always kept people at arms length, people understandably don't like to be put in that position.
I kind of have one person I could trust with things I've never trusted friends with before. But we're not quite friends I'd say. I think we're two people who found themselves in a bit of similar circumstances and connected over that. I'll be embarrassingly honest, they are the closest friend I've ever had, although this feeling isn't mutual. it hurts that their actions scream that they're only tolerating me while they say they aren't. just goes to show how my fragility and insecurity seeps through no matter how much i try to hide it, that they feel obligated to pretend to "not hurt my feelings". It's the most obvious unspoken rejection I've ever received, but i still cling onto them. Pathetic

 

[lavenderlilylies]

The victim
I have a hard time believing any word that comes out of my mouth. There's this deep rooted belief in me that I'm lying about everything I experience to garner sympathy/attention. Even when I'm only saying it between me and myself.
I don't think highly of myself. I think of myself as someone who's always trying to be the victim. One part of me doesn't want to be. It refuses to accept that I was ever wrong in my life. And that i have any emotional or mental issues. And the other part is here on a suicide website screaming and kicking. and it has nothing to say except how horrible it feels all the time.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Will i ever be brave enough to actually kill myself?
My desire to die is something I can't explain or justify. It's not because my life sucks, although it very much does, and not because of my lack of purpose or direction, i genuinely believe life can be enjoyed without them. I genuinely believe life can be enjoyed period. But i just don't want to.
I'm terrified of death, but I've never wanted to live, I don't want to be conscious. I don't want to experience anything. I don't want to exist.
I know a person like me will never walk towards death voluntarily. I see a long bleak life ahead of me, i just know I'll be fighting it on my deathbed. I'm just too scared.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

You mean a lot to me - a message to a stranger on SaSu
You probably won't read this, even if you do i doubt you'd recognize yourself within the lines. You're not someone i knew at the end of the day.
You were the first, probably even only person to reach to my heart on here. Your kindness truly shines through, even when you fail to see it. It's a shame to think someone like you might not realize how special they truly are while they're still alive.
I won't attempt to get closer, I'd never take a chance at being annoying, but i wish i was the one to comfort you. I wish I could help in anyway.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Nothing is working
Trying to "meet myself where I'm at", making the most with the little energy I have left, but nothing is working. I just want to die

 

[lavenderlilylies]

i want to die
I've never wanted anything more. I. Just. Want. To. Die

 

[lavenderlilylies]

The loneliest I've ever been
It gets tiring to always be reminded by someone of how bad they're feeling, i try not to be that person, although I probably am.
it's not that people don't listen, there are kind people who will listen and understand. i just don't want to subject anyone to me anymore. But i could use a hug.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I wish my parents raised me better

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Why can't i just be okay?
I keep circling back to this question. For the life I'm living, i have no business being this miserable. I can't express how much I resent myself. If only I could stop feeling this way. If only i could appreciate the good things i have and show gratitude. I'm just sinking deeper into this hole of sadness i dug with my own hands.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

clingy despite my efforts
im sorry for being too much. although i try not to, i always end up being overwhelming. im sorry

 

[lavenderlilylies]

hair
when i was younger, i used to cut my hair short as an act of rebellion, so now, my hair doesn't feel like it's mine. as i caught a glimpse of my reflection yesterday, hair to my waist, i felt like a man.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Suicide
Went to the coast overlooking the bridge I often think of jumping off of with my sister. I jokingly brought up jumping and we went over the different outcomes of that scenario. Concluded that no one passing would risk jumping after me and I'm going to drown before authorities arrive. So I'm kinda set.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

My life isn't mine
My mom recently expressed her concern about me deviating from our religious practices. Her fears are valid, i thought, if i could i would. But i reassured her that I wouldn't.
I randomly thought about it today, i very much could leave everything behind and go against it all, in theory, at least, people have free will after all.
But I'm -choosing- to waive my right of choice. I know I will never be myself, but I will happily give that up to not disappoint the people I love. In a way that's how i connect to god, by doing right by them. I don't own myself, nothing i say or do is my words or actions. I'm living someone else's life.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

the world is very stupid
the way our societies function is so funny to me, like we dress up in our silly clothes and go to our silly jobs pretending like anything means anything. People want to change the world all the time like anything they do would offset the absolute shit show that is our world. We want to make the world a better place like we aren't just the smarter animals who ruined it in the first place. Like the simple idea of a kingdom and a random person establishing themselves as kings of other people, isn't that extremely ridiculous? Lol

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Graduation
my first grade teacher called me "a future poet", and many teachers after that asked me what's wrong? the truth is, what's wrong isn't that I forget who I am, it's that I couldn't.
As I reinvented myself I stared long into the mirror. The reflection was there, but it was never quite right. mistakes are easily detectable, it's one thing to point out who you aren't, another to gauge who you really are, and maybe growth is an extended process of elimination. you chip out the faults until you carve yourself into a shape you recognize.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I wont lie, I wanted a sweet heartfelt message

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I feel alone (journal entry)
I don't have much to say. But I feel very lonely. Until recently, I was hurt by the thought that "I only had one friend" but I realized that I have none. I don't know when I slipped from myself exactly, it seems like I woke up one day competently alone, but at the same time, it feels like I was always destined to end up like this. I have no one to tell good news to, and it's my fault.

A while ago, my friend group from elementary school had a gathering, maybe a reunion or something, I don't really know, I saw it on social media. it filled me with a great sense of shame, I can never truly know why I was the only one to be excluded. I try not to harbor on it. But it comes to the front of my mind every now and then, a puddle forms inside my heart, and it weighs me down.

A couple other examples come to mind, ones that I've yet to get over enough to speak about, even in my own journal. I see the patterns, I believe in what I see. I'm at the center connecting the dots, all the people avoiding me are unrelated events, I'm the one who's constantly being avoided. I can't pinpoint the fault in me, but it has to be there. There is no world where it isn't my fault.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

If I knew for certainty that this is the way I'll always feel, that would be the push I need to end it all.