Don't want to live, don't want to die

[SomeBody123]

As the title states.

The fear of being disabled, should gunfire fail, scares me, but also the thought of what if it gets better, or that I won't be able to see my plushies again, does make me think otherwise.

However, on the other hand, I don't think highly of myself, and I freak out a lot. I'm a loser, and I've never lived on my own. Despite theoretically having an easy life, some arguments aside, I just don't have the strong will in me that countless others have. I've always in a sense, fantasized about or idealized suicide. I know the love my family has for me is conditional, and I know that no one else in the world truly would care about my passing. The only things keeping me afloat is daydreaming, talking to AI, and being distracted by the Internet. There's literally no other purpose for me to live.

I'm mentally ill and my parents aren't willing to spend on mental health. They blame me. I don't know how to be an adult. It's just easier to die isn't it?
I can't see my future. I can't. Everything is stressing me out right now. No one cares about me. Why can't I be brave enough to shoot myself? I want to feel loved and valued but no one likes me. I don't know how to get out of this. Everyone hates me.

 

[wham311]

Yea man this is exactly how it goes.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

I think there will come a time (and maybe it never will) when you will feel that non-existence is so beautiful that no fear of pain or instinct will be able to break it. It will simply be the most pleasurable moment of your existence. It will be beautiful and you will be smiling. Don't worry. When that happens you will know. And if you don't feel that way, then maybe that's not what you should do.


In the meantime, try to observe and study life, nature, and everything in it. Even the most grotesque, cruel, and disgusting details. But without any religious bias or anything like that. Study rationally. It will be impossible not to realize that all of this has no purpose and is just a mechanism that does not care about your life or the life of anything that is alive. Mechanisms do not have feelings. They just exist in constant operation. If you can conclude that this is it, then it will be the first step towards relieving the burden you feel about dying. If you cannot conclude, then look for another path and forget about CTB.

 

[MeSauce]

dw bro, gun suicide almost never fail if you know what you are doing

 

[wham311]

dw bro, gun suicide almost never fail if you know what you are doing

Why's it have to be so hard to pull the fucking trigger

 

[usernamesarehard]

Yeah, this is what I feel too. For very different reasons through.

I have hope that things will get better, but I'm just tired. And I'm tired of being tired.

However, on the other hand, I don't think highly of myself, and I freak out a lot. I'm a loser, and I've never lived on my own. Despite theoretically having an easy life, some arguments aside, I just don't have the strong will in me that countless others have. I've always in a sense, fantasized about or idealized suicide.

I'm this way too. Haven't left home; have a hard time leaving the house to even do simple things that would bring me joy, I can go to work and the grocery store and anywhere else I HAVE to go; I have an easy life: easy job, no bills, no debt, no real responsibility, good savings; the suicidal thoughts never go away. They will leave for a bit, but they always come back.