Help Don’t want to give up.

[mabudachi]

Last year I busted my ass to build a new camper for me and my dog to live in. It was perfect. We only got to enjoy it shortly.
On thanksgiving last year, I lost control on ice and rolled it into a ditch, which chucked me out the windshield and gave me a TBI. My dog was fine luckily. I would have froze to death had it not been for the person who found me. They said they heard a voice from god that told them to keep driving up the road I was on for an hour and a half past where he was going. Fucking crazy.
I was in a bad place, but I fixed my truck, built a temporary living situation in a canopy topper, and tried to get on with life.
I was starting to do better, and decided to go camping again. Get back on the horse, ya know? Bad idea. Found ice again instead of a campsite. Crashed again. Ruined my home again. Fuck.
I was spiraling hard so I reached out to my old therapist. On the way to my first appt I was run off the road by a road rager. He ran up on me after we stopped and sucker punched me in the head. My TBI went off the rails. Had a seizure, memory loss problems, constant ringing in my ears, light/sound sensitivity, and balance problems. Got a pair of rx glasses to help with vision problems. Went to a ton of specialists. (Still going to see most of them.)
In the beginning of July my dog that I had for 12 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He only made it two more months before I had to put him down in September. It broke me.
I held on for a bit, but when I got his ashes back it was too much. I am so lost without him. My symptoms are flaring up like crazy. All I feel is pain. I can't take care of myself properly because of the TBI (or work). I have lost most of my friends. My family is starting to drift away as well now.
I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, but I can't keep going like this. I am trapped in limbo and can't do anything about it.
To make matters worse, I confided in someone I thought I could trust that I don't want to be alive anymore. Clarified that I am not going to hurt myself, just desperate and tired. He didn't listen and told people. They told people. Now I'm getting threatened with a 5150 when all I need is peace and support. It sucks that now my struggle is everyone's business when I never asked for that. This is only going to make things worse. I think I'm going to go back to isolating in the woods. That's where my dog spent a majority of his life with me, and it's the only place I still feel connected to him.

(Please don't tell me to get another dog. It is too soon and I can barely take care of myself.)

 

[Eriktf]

im so sorry for what you have gone thruge, this story was a sad read, idk what more i can say they i hope you get better

 

[mabudachi]

im so sorry for what you have gone thruge, this story was a sad read, idk what more i can say they i hope you get better

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I know it's kind of a lot but hey, it's been a long year. I appreciate your well wishes. I'm new here but there's something comforting about knowing nobody here will use my own mental health against me as a weapon. I hope you can find some peace here as well.

 

[MapleS]

I also just wanna say that it's a really sad story. I'm glad though that the dog didn't suffer throuh car accident.
I just- hope you will get better. That you will be able to come to the tearms with grief. I wanna tell you good luck. I thought you are very strong for still trying <3

can I ask you in which country do ypu live?

 

[mabudachi]

I also just wanna say that it's a really sad story. I'm glad though that the dog didn't suffer throuh car accident.
I just- hope you will get better. That you will be able to come to the tearms with grief. I wanna tell you good luck. I thought you are very strong for still trying <3

can I ask you in which country do ypu live?

Thank you for the kind words, I hope you are finding some support here as well.

I am from the Pacific NW, USA, you?

 

[grapefruit04]

Last year I busted my ass to build a new camper for me and my dog to live in. It was perfect. We only got to enjoy it shortly.
On thanksgiving last year, I lost control on ice and rolled it into a ditch, which chucked me out the windshield and gave me a TBI. My dog was fine luckily. I would have froze to death had it not been for the person who found me. They said they heard a voice from god that told them to keep driving up the road I was on for an hour and a half past where he was going. Fucking crazy.
I was in a bad place, but I fixed my truck, built a temporary living situation in a canopy topper, and tried to get on with life.
I was starting to do better, and decided to go camping again. Get back on the horse, ya know? Bad idea. Found ice again instead of a campsite. Crashed again. Ruined my home again. Fuck.
I was spiraling hard so I reached out to my old therapist. On the way to my first appt I was run off the road by a road rager. He ran up on me after we stopped and sucker punched me in the head. My TBI went off the rails. Had a seizure, memory loss problems, constant ringing in my ears, light/sound sensitivity, and balance problems. Got a pair of rx glasses to help with vision problems. Went to a ton of specialists. (Still going to see most of them.)
In the beginning of July my dog that I had for 12 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He only made it two more months before I had to put him down in September. It broke me.
I held on for a bit, but when I got his ashes back it was too much. I am so lost without him. My symptoms are flaring up like crazy. All I feel is pain. I can't take care of myself properly because of the TBI (or work). I have lost most of my friends. My family is starting to drift away as well now.
I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, but I can't keep going like this. I am trapped in limbo and can't do anything about it.
To make matters worse, I confided in someone I thought I could trust that I don't want to be alive anymore. Clarified that I am not going to hurt myself, just desperate and tired. He didn't listen and told people. They told people. Now I'm getting threatened with a 5150 when all I need is peace and support. It sucks that now my struggle is everyone's business when I never asked for that. This is only going to make things worse. I think I'm going to go back to isolating in the woods. That's where my dog spent a majority of his life with me, and it's the only place I still feel connected to him.

(Please don't tell me to get another dog. It is too soon and I can barely take care of myself.)

I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't want to let his body go when my dog died. I try to remind myself that nothing lasts forever. You're an incredibly strong person and I wish nothing but peace, health and happiness for you, and I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.