I have a long history of suicidal episodes and a few (admittedly poorly conceived) failed attempts. The thing is, I actually don't want to die, and I like myself--but no one else seems to, starting with my family and on through most other people. At some point, I'm just not... enough. Whatever flaws I have outweigh any benefits, and people make this clear to me.
I have made a lot of attempts at change, self-directed, professional help, medication, etc. and genuinely feel like I do and improve--and yet I find myself here every few years, where it's abundantly clear that the change also wasn't enough and nor am I. It hurts. Every time. The obvious solutions is that I should ctb.
This has been happening since I was roughly 12 and I'm now 40. My dad brought me to the emergency room at one point, but they released me asap. Later, my dad said that he will let me ctb next time, because insurance wouldn't cover it. When I mentioned it to my mom, she just said that he shouldn't have said that, and that insurance changed its mind. There's a lot of other family issues, but I have actually mostly moved past the point of worrying about them, EXCEPT when I wonder if they might be right all along and I am the problem.
A few years back, I moved to a different country, instead of ctb, since it seemed like a way to remove myself from people's lives while still living. It worked? People were, actually better off without me. I did better too, admittedly, and was able to support myself financially and otherwise in a way I hadn't been able to in my home country. I actually enjoyed my job and drastically improved it any time I changed positions though there were still other issues, including a physical assault by a drunk friend/co-worker, in which he made an apology tour while I was too scared to leave my apartment and socialize and I was "over-reacting." As an "expat" my living circumstances are heavily dependent on my job, including housing, social life, and even stay in the country.
My current job is the "best" and it wasn't until last year (my 3rd) where I felt like I really belonged here more often than not and deserved it because it's more "elite" in the industry. In the three years, I've worked on my mental health and received a new diagnosis, though I do question its accuracy. I went from "major depressive disorder" to "bipolar disorder" because I have a family history of the bipolar and the drugs for the depression weren't working any longer. Bipolar has been discussed before, but I haven't had the best access to healthcare. This country's mental health field is still developing though, and I kinda feel like the doctor hooked onto it and switched it and it's been a real struggle to find medication that actually works, and I don't feel like he's listened to me when I've said It doesn't. Still, I've sought more assistance with mental health and improving myself in the past 3 years than ever. I've also made a lot of sacrifices for the job which had affected my mental health, knowing that it would pay off in the longer run. And there was significant evidence many of the "rewards" might pay off in the next contract, and had even already started.
This year, in October, I was supposed to renew my contract that expires in the upcoming July. My boss said no, because of my "negativity." He further stressed that it has NOTHING to do with my job performance, even praising it, and my work ethic. In fact, I got a small promotion just a few months prior (and moved to a nicer place, thinking it suggested I had job security) It has been something discussed in the past, but never written up for or on an improvement plan, and on multiple occasions, my efforts to improve were noted. He kinda "warned" me that he had to think about it in one meeting and it was such a surprise and a shock. I think if I had begged, or...something, I might have still kept my job, but frankly, that's not my nature, and again, he emphasized that it was the specific issue of "negativity" and his supposition about its effect on the work environment. (As an aside, in the first 2 years here, I do believe I was a bit bullied by others, and can actually kind of prove that, because once I documented a specific issue, it stopped.) Instead, I tried to explain that sometimes I get too passionate about things, but I am trying to solve problems not complaining (and I *really* think that's true) and even I express that I'm not happy about something or don't like it--I still do it, which can't be said about a lot of people (including former co-workers who chose to leave here.).
In that conversation, he also said things like, "I care about you as a person," "You'd be happier elsewhere." and "You should apply at this other location" (which did not have any of my position open.) that I don't feel did anything for me, but actually just made him feel better about firing me. (Also,he said I shouldn't think of this of this as being "fired"...just not renewed, except that in this industry, it's very difficult to fire someone mid contract and renewals are generally more in the power of the employee--unless the employee sucks. And I still wanted to work here--but they said I can't, so.... that's pretty close to being fired anyway.).
Three weeks later (one week was a holiday, but it was still... a long time.), he told me that he had made a decision to let me go and that it was best for the company.
It feels very much, that once more, it has been clear to me that no matter what I do right--I'm just terrible enough in some other ways I can't seem to understand that I'm not worth being around.
I have tried to find another job, but the industry is shrinking, and like I said, this job is considered "elite" so other jobs aren't as good AND they ask immediately, "that's a good job, why are you leaving?" (I will note here, and yes, it's possible bitterness, but the company I started working for 4ish years ago is not even the same company it is now, but the industry is changing as a whole).
On top of the difficulties of FINDING a job, even if I have to find another job, I have to move (and I wouldn't have moved in the summer if I hadn't had good reason to believe I'd renew--and my boss knew this--in part because there were issues with the housing portion--possibly a thing I "complained" about, but I was also going home and crying about it and experiencing suicidal thoughts, even as I overcame those issues and ultimately chose to believe in myself. Haha. Ha. ), make new friends, be in a new work environment and learn the rules and the job. And, again, I just really wanted to see some of the stuff that is still scheduled to happen in the next 2 years actually happen that I helped work towards.
But I can't. And I shouldn't?
Work has become incredibly had, and while I mostly keep it together there, I definitely don't outside of work. My boss is still acting friendly and even praising me but it just makes it a million times worse. My appraisal was basically that the observed thing was great, very little room for improvement. I don't know if that's genuine or if he's doing it to make himself feel better, but it also just reinforces that I'm good at my job, great even!! But not good enough to keep it because of the other ways I suck.
I did spend about 2 months going to therapy in person weekly which was at least helping me survive, but I met my mental health insurance cap. The psychologist also fiddled a lot with my meds to the point that I was noticeably shaking most of the time. People commented on it and I think my coworkers might have thought I had cancer or something. Losing my health insurance though, really just felt like another sign that surviving isn't the right choice.
I have been self harming by burning almost weekly since October, with severe injuries to my hand in December that I explained by cooking accident and then switched to heating up a fork on my stove and pressing against my stomach, but I'm still really weak and can't do much.
I've chosen dates based on hiring calendars and have starting making plans, but I'm really struggling to find a good method. I don't think I want it enough and I'm too weak and selfish. I was going to jump off my apartment building (my bipolar grandmother jumped), but I don't have roof access like I thought. It would be hard to access other tall buildings, and research ones that do have roof access. I'm looking into SN, but it seems hard to get. I've found a guide to partial hanging that made it seem like a reliable method, but I'm not as sure now that I've done more research.
But, I still don't think I want to die, even as I continue to try and convince myself I should. I've recently created a list of "Safe contacts" and have told some people (although a couple friends clocked the hand injury lie.) and I'm having trouble controlling myself when I'm not having an episode. Earlier this week, co-worker asked how I was doing in the job hunt and my brain stalled and I honestly answered, "it's fine, I'll kill myself if I don't find anything." and then quickly tried to backtrack. I was a little fortunate in that she has a history herself, and has been trying to help, but I hate that I've dragged another person into this.
I don't know what I'm looking for, help on methods, encouragement to actually do it, or encouragement not to or other things, but whatever is happening now isn't working and both extremes are just getting worse and so am I.
I have made a lot of attempts at change, self-directed, professional help, medication, etc. and genuinely feel like I do and improve--and yet I find myself here every few years, where it's abundantly clear that the change also wasn't enough and nor am I. It hurts. Every time. The obvious solutions is that I should ctb.
This has been happening since I was roughly 12 and I'm now 40. My dad brought me to the emergency room at one point, but they released me asap. Later, my dad said that he will let me ctb next time, because insurance wouldn't cover it. When I mentioned it to my mom, she just said that he shouldn't have said that, and that insurance changed its mind. There's a lot of other family issues, but I have actually mostly moved past the point of worrying about them, EXCEPT when I wonder if they might be right all along and I am the problem.
A few years back, I moved to a different country, instead of ctb, since it seemed like a way to remove myself from people's lives while still living. It worked? People were, actually better off without me. I did better too, admittedly, and was able to support myself financially and otherwise in a way I hadn't been able to in my home country. I actually enjoyed my job and drastically improved it any time I changed positions though there were still other issues, including a physical assault by a drunk friend/co-worker, in which he made an apology tour while I was too scared to leave my apartment and socialize and I was "over-reacting." As an "expat" my living circumstances are heavily dependent on my job, including housing, social life, and even stay in the country.
My current job is the "best" and it wasn't until last year (my 3rd) where I felt like I really belonged here more often than not and deserved it because it's more "elite" in the industry. In the three years, I've worked on my mental health and received a new diagnosis, though I do question its accuracy. I went from "major depressive disorder" to "bipolar disorder" because I have a family history of the bipolar and the drugs for the depression weren't working any longer. Bipolar has been discussed before, but I haven't had the best access to healthcare. This country's mental health field is still developing though, and I kinda feel like the doctor hooked onto it and switched it and it's been a real struggle to find medication that actually works, and I don't feel like he's listened to me when I've said It doesn't. Still, I've sought more assistance with mental health and improving myself in the past 3 years than ever. I've also made a lot of sacrifices for the job which had affected my mental health, knowing that it would pay off in the longer run. And there was significant evidence many of the "rewards" might pay off in the next contract, and had even already started.
This year, in October, I was supposed to renew my contract that expires in the upcoming July. My boss said no, because of my "negativity." He further stressed that it has NOTHING to do with my job performance, even praising it, and my work ethic. In fact, I got a small promotion just a few months prior (and moved to a nicer place, thinking it suggested I had job security) It has been something discussed in the past, but never written up for or on an improvement plan, and on multiple occasions, my efforts to improve were noted. He kinda "warned" me that he had to think about it in one meeting and it was such a surprise and a shock. I think if I had begged, or...something, I might have still kept my job, but frankly, that's not my nature, and again, he emphasized that it was the specific issue of "negativity" and his supposition about its effect on the work environment. (As an aside, in the first 2 years here, I do believe I was a bit bullied by others, and can actually kind of prove that, because once I documented a specific issue, it stopped.) Instead, I tried to explain that sometimes I get too passionate about things, but I am trying to solve problems not complaining (and I *really* think that's true) and even I express that I'm not happy about something or don't like it--I still do it, which can't be said about a lot of people (including former co-workers who chose to leave here.).
In that conversation, he also said things like, "I care about you as a person," "You'd be happier elsewhere." and "You should apply at this other location" (which did not have any of my position open.) that I don't feel did anything for me, but actually just made him feel better about firing me. (Also,he said I shouldn't think of this of this as being "fired"...just not renewed, except that in this industry, it's very difficult to fire someone mid contract and renewals are generally more in the power of the employee--unless the employee sucks. And I still wanted to work here--but they said I can't, so.... that's pretty close to being fired anyway.).
Three weeks later (one week was a holiday, but it was still... a long time.), he told me that he had made a decision to let me go and that it was best for the company.
It feels very much, that once more, it has been clear to me that no matter what I do right--I'm just terrible enough in some other ways I can't seem to understand that I'm not worth being around.
I have tried to find another job, but the industry is shrinking, and like I said, this job is considered "elite" so other jobs aren't as good AND they ask immediately, "that's a good job, why are you leaving?" (I will note here, and yes, it's possible bitterness, but the company I started working for 4ish years ago is not even the same company it is now, but the industry is changing as a whole).
On top of the difficulties of FINDING a job, even if I have to find another job, I have to move (and I wouldn't have moved in the summer if I hadn't had good reason to believe I'd renew--and my boss knew this--in part because there were issues with the housing portion--possibly a thing I "complained" about, but I was also going home and crying about it and experiencing suicidal thoughts, even as I overcame those issues and ultimately chose to believe in myself. Haha. Ha. ), make new friends, be in a new work environment and learn the rules and the job. And, again, I just really wanted to see some of the stuff that is still scheduled to happen in the next 2 years actually happen that I helped work towards.
But I can't. And I shouldn't?
Work has become incredibly had, and while I mostly keep it together there, I definitely don't outside of work. My boss is still acting friendly and even praising me but it just makes it a million times worse. My appraisal was basically that the observed thing was great, very little room for improvement. I don't know if that's genuine or if he's doing it to make himself feel better, but it also just reinforces that I'm good at my job, great even!! But not good enough to keep it because of the other ways I suck.
I did spend about 2 months going to therapy in person weekly which was at least helping me survive, but I met my mental health insurance cap. The psychologist also fiddled a lot with my meds to the point that I was noticeably shaking most of the time. People commented on it and I think my coworkers might have thought I had cancer or something. Losing my health insurance though, really just felt like another sign that surviving isn't the right choice.
I have been self harming by burning almost weekly since October, with severe injuries to my hand in December that I explained by cooking accident and then switched to heating up a fork on my stove and pressing against my stomach, but I'm still really weak and can't do much.
I've chosen dates based on hiring calendars and have starting making plans, but I'm really struggling to find a good method. I don't think I want it enough and I'm too weak and selfish. I was going to jump off my apartment building (my bipolar grandmother jumped), but I don't have roof access like I thought. It would be hard to access other tall buildings, and research ones that do have roof access. I'm looking into SN, but it seems hard to get. I've found a guide to partial hanging that made it seem like a reliable method, but I'm not as sure now that I've done more research.
But, I still don't think I want to die, even as I continue to try and convince myself I should. I've recently created a list of "Safe contacts" and have told some people (although a couple friends clocked the hand injury lie.) and I'm having trouble controlling myself when I'm not having an episode. Earlier this week, co-worker asked how I was doing in the job hunt and my brain stalled and I honestly answered, "it's fine, I'll kill myself if I don't find anything." and then quickly tried to backtrack. I was a little fortunate in that she has a history herself, and has been trying to help, but I hate that I've dragged another person into this.
I don't know what I'm looking for, help on methods, encouragement to actually do it, or encouragement not to or other things, but whatever is happening now isn't working and both extremes are just getting worse and so am I.
