Don't want things to get better

[mangoastronaut]

It just seems like too much effort. I'm comfortable in my own sadness and agony.

My partner keeps pushing me to go out, go back to school, travel abroad. And I am privileged enough that I can make all those things happen. But I have no motivation. What is the point? Every single time I try to pick myself back up I end up falling back down.

It's so silly because most people would kill to be in the position I am in. Yet, I am wasting away my potential and opportunities. Instead of applying to schools and jobs I'm researching methods to ctb and not leaving my apartment. Despite living in the heart of a city most people would love to be in.

Why can't I enjoy the life I have? Why can't I seize the opportunities given to me?

I know a lot of people here talk about their shitty life circumstances, but is there anybody else here like me? Do you feel guilty and selfish for your mental illness and desire to ctb while children in Gaza are starved to death?

 

[fedup1982]

I guess I had similar situation when I was a young adult. I kept quitting university and it's one of the biggest regrets of my life. But yk, if you're depressed, you're depressed. Unfortunately nobody can stop you from ruining your life, ideally you need to find a way to push through it if you can, or you could be setting yourself up for a long miserable life because unfortunately dying is extremely hard. You need a backup plan in case you have to live another 60 years!!

 

[kunikuzushi]

For me, there is no point to put in an effort and make things better because it's all meaningless in the end. My progress, struggles, and suffering will be a waste when I die. When I do things to make myself feel better, they get taken away from me because I am not in control of nature, other people's actions/feelings, etc. It hurts a lot more than just staying in a misery that I am used to. I do not feel guilty and selfish for being miserable and wanting to end my life because I never asked to be born.

 

[MellowTonin]

I think it's common to feel guilty about your depression if it's not outside circumstances causing it and it's just internal. I've definitely felt that way before. I've withdrawn from college and taken breaks and switched colleges several times. I can't keep a job for over a year and I don't really have one right now. But mental health is something you can only have so much control over. It makes you feel like shit even if other things in life are going okay. I don't think you should feel guilty about it. Your suffering is as valid as anyone else's.

 

[mangoastronaut]

You need a backup plan in case you have to live another 60 years!!

Yeah, I think about this often. I just don't have it in me to change. It's not like I haven't tried. I feel like if I don't end up ctb I am going to have a long miserable life.