As the title suggests, I desperately wanted to stay and live, but not in my current situation. In this post, I'll introduce myself, explain what happened, and share what I've done to help myself.
I'm a young adult struggling with depression and exhaustion due to my current life circumstances. Let me start by discussing my job experience.
I've only had one job in my life. An institute that "trains" and places teens in their first jobs offered me an opportunity, which I accepted. Initially, I was hopeful and confident it would be a positive experience, but I was mistaken. My role involved signing documents and delivering them to various departments. The workplace was a cramped room with about five people, including myself. I was surprised by the lack of dynamism and fast pace I had expected. However, the main issue was the treatment I received. My boss bullied and insulted me for making a simple error while entering document numbers into the system, which made those documents unsearchable. After that day, I returned home filled with anxiety and anger, deciding not to return to work. At that time, parental involvement was required to communicate with the institute, so I asked my mother to inform them of my decision to leave.
This experience left me traumatized, making it impossible for me to pursue other job opportunities. The mere suggestion of work now triggers panic and suicidal thoughts. Following this extended period of unemployment, I found myself spending excessive time on social media platforms like TikTok, YouTube, and Instagram. This led to another problem: I discovered a famous internet personality who seemed to have everything I desired - fame, wealth, beauty, and independence. This person now occupies my mind 24/7, even after I've blocked their accounts to avoid seeing their content. I struggle with self-acceptance, disliking my appearance and voice. I find myself disgusting.
I can't accept that everyone is unique with their own path. My past trauma makes it impossible for me to consider a normal job, as I don't want an average life anymore. I long to feel special, but not in a way that fits typical standards. When I listen to music, I engage in Maladaptive Daydreaming, imagining myself as being that famous person I've mentioned living the life I crave. My eating habits have changed, I can't eat no more and I need expensive tests due to stress-related health issues. For example, for three years, I've seen black dots moving in my vision constantly. My body likely lacks essential hormones and vitamins.
I've tried to get help, seeing three different therapists, but none seemed to care about my problems or suicidal thoughts. I've attempted to end my life several times, especially after quitting my job. Antidepressants for nearly a year didn't help much. My last therapist called me immature for not accepting normal jobs and life. I never wanted to be this way; I wish I were normal. I'm not seeking attention. People call me lazy for avoiding job interviews, but I'm protecting myself from triggers that lead me to suicide.
I've been crying all week, unsure what to do. I want to live but can't see options other than giving up. How can someone as dysfunctional as me recover? People suggest trying different jobs, but I can't. They don't understand how easily I panic.
After reading countless motivational messages online, seeking help from professionals and friends, trying remote programming jobs (failing three times), and attempting to eat normally, I'm still lost. Being called immature and childish, I can't see a way out. I feel I wasn't meant to live, don't deserve to be here, and can't do basic things.
I haven't even mentioned other traumatic events like my dad's death, my mom's cancer, or constant arguments with my sister.
My situation feels hopeless. I've tried various ways to improve my life, but nothing seems to work. The thought of a normal job or life terrifies me, triggering panic and suicidal thoughts. I'm aware that my behavior might seem immature or attention-seeking to others, but it's a genuine struggle for me. I'm dealing with both mental and physical health issues, which make daily life challenging. The constant visual disturbances and potential vitamin deficiencies add to my distress. Despite seeking professional help, I haven't found the support I need.
I want to emphasize that I don't choose to be this way. I wish I could easily adapt to a typical lifestyle, but my past experiences and current mental state make it impossible. I'm not lazy; I'm trying to protect myself from situations that I know will harm me.
I'm at a loss for what to do next. My attempts at remote work and self-improvement haven't yielded results, leaving me feeling more hopeless. I question my place in the world and my ability to function in society.
While I've shared some of my struggles, there are many more stressful experiences I haven't mentioned. It's hard for me to express everything concisely, which adds to my frustration.
