Venting Don't know if I'm taking it as seriously as I should,

[KimDokja]

I have decided that I'm gonna to CTB next month. I still have to figure out a date and practice my preferred method, plus take care of a few things. I feel like I have no choice but to do it, and to be honest, after being a passive suicidal for years I feel like it's a relief to have decided to do this. I know I'm young, but I don't think I have a future. I'm not excited about it anyway. I wasn't born to be a functional human, unfortunately.

Still, it's normal to feel like everything feels like a joke? I feel like I should be more nervous about this; think about it more, feel scared, I don't know if I'm making myself clear, but I mean, it's literally death. I wonder if deep down I feel like I'm not going to do it. When the day comes, am I going to chicken out and not do it?
I don't know, but I really want to do it. I was thinking of giving away some of my stuff to my friends, and I've already missed enough classes, it will be impossible for me to retake them this year so at this point I'm just waiting. Maybe getting rid of my stuff and fucking up the only thing I do on a daily basis will give me more encouragement?

Also, there aren't many things I want to do before I die, and if there are, I don't have the money to do them. Maybe I'll feel fulfilled when I finish my favorite book... it's really the only thing I'd be sad not to do before the day comes

Sorry for my bad english btw haha, and thanks for reading me I guess. I feel free being able to talk about this without feeling judged. Thanks.

 

[ginko0]

Life is a joke in itself. I partly share that feeling. A cynicism of sorts. The only thing stopping me is not MY suffering or MY death, but the effects it will produce in the only person I really care about, which is my mom.

For myself, I know death is just the cessation of biological functions, and not that big of a deal. We'll all have to face it sooner or later. So I don't think there's many reasons to fear it or see it as a great evil. Of course the body doesn't adequate itself to our intellect, so, just as I have chickened out of suicide in the recent past, you may as well. You're not to blame if it happens.

Hope it all goes well for you. If I may ask, what is your favorite book? (Bookworm syndrome)

 

[KimDokja]

The only thing stopping me is not MY suffering or MY death, but the effects it will produce in the only person I really care about, which is my mom.

I can relate to that, as it was the only reason that held me back as well. Sometimes I wish she didn't care about me so I wouldn't feel so guilty about doing this. I'm still grateful, though; she's a great person, but I really don't want to be helped.

For myself, I know death is just the cessation of biological functions, and not that big of a deal. We'll all have to face it sooner or later. So I don't think there's many reasons to fear it or see it as a great evil. Of course the body doesn't adequate itself to our intellect, so, just as I have chickened out of suicide in the recent past, you may as well. You're not to blame if it happens.

I sincerely appreciate your words. I must say I love the way you express yourself, and yes, you are right.

And as for my favorite book, I'm a little embarrassed. it's 'Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint', a light novel. I guess I'm making it obvious, it's just my current fixation haha.

I don't know much about books myself, but not because I don't like them, I've just always preferred to read them in physical form rather than digitally, and unfortunately, they aren't cheap. Still I would like to ask, what is your favorite book and why?

By the way, I love your Sunny pfp.

 

[ginko0]

I can relate to that, as it was the only reason that held me back as well. Sometimes I wish she didn't care about me so I wouldn't feel so guilty about doing this. I'm still grateful, though; she's a great person, but I really don't want to be helped.

Yeah, it's also a really unfair thing to have to go on suffering just for the sake of someone else...but what is fair about life?

And as for my favorite book, I'm a little embarrassed. it's 'Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint', a light novel. I guess I'm making it obvious, it's just my current fixation haha.

I checked it out and it appears to be going on for a loong time . Are you a long-time reader or still trying to catch up? What's it about? Is it a Boys Love story or am I just crazy?

No reason to be embarrassed btw I also have a deep love for a Manhwa called Here U Are. A manga publisher promised it would come to Brazil in physical format, but nothing so far.

I don't know much about books myself, but not because I don't like them, I've just always preferred to read them in physical form rather than digitally, and unfortunately, they aren't cheap. Still I would like to ask, what is your favorite book and why?

By the way, I love your Sunny pfp.

Yeah, I get you. Here in Brazil it's become impossible for the average person to buy more than one book per month. It's a good thing there's pdfs and epubs all round (not nearly as pleasant as a real book).

My favorite book is "Lira dos Vinte Anos", a brazilian poetry book from the XIX century. Its poems deeply resonate with me for their romantic and idealistic aspects. The author, Álvares de Azevedo died really young, and his poetry kind of predicted it in some ways. Maybe my suicidal ideation has to do with that predilection.
I google translated one of them so you could get the idea (it rhymes and sounds nicer in portuguese):

Farewell, my dreams, I mourn and die!
I carry no longing from existence!
And so much life that filled my chest Died in my sad youth!

Wretched! I devoted my poor days
To the mad fate of a fruitless love...
And my soul in darkness now sleeps Like a gaze that death shrouds in mourning!

What remains for me, my God?!...
may the star of my candid loves die with me,
Since I do not carry in my dead chest Not even a handful of wilted flowers!


Thanks for the compliment, btw! Do you also like Omori? I played it very recently and it quickly became my favorite of all. So comforting in the way it made me cry

 

[KimDokja]

Yeah, it's also a really unfair thing to have to go on suffering just for the sake of someone else...but what is fair about life?

Exactly what I was thinking. It's depressing not to be able to allow myself to be selfish. Yes, nothing is fair.
I think there are a lot of people who have recovered by having something to stay for, but I think it's cruel to force people to stay. Wish it were easier.

I checked it out and it appears to be going on for a loong time . Are you a long-time reader or still trying to catch up? What's it about? Is it a Boys Love story or am I just crazy?

No reason to be embarrassed btw I also have a deep love for a Manhwa called Here U Are. A manga publisher promised it would come to Brazil in physical format, but nothing so far.

Ah, haha. I'm still trying to catch up. I was reading a Spanish translation and was halfway through, but it was so poorly translated that I decided to start over from the beginning with an English translation. As such, the main story is finished and there are 551 chapters, but I'm only on chapter 100 since I started over recently. I'm a slow reader, too.

And it's quite interesting! It's not a BL, although it's commonly mistaken for one thanks to the chemistry between the main characters. Most readers ship them, and I'm one of them, lol.
To sum it up. Kim Dokja is a pretty ordinary guy; he's an office worker who doesn't stand out in any way, and who has spent much of his life reading a web novel called "Three Ways to Survive in a Ruined World." One day, while riding the subway, he realized that the novel he had spent years reading was coming true, and the peculiar thing is that he was the only reader of the novel, so he is the only person who knows what is going to happen. Kim Dokja is truly a character you can easily relate to. Reading was his escape from the reality he was living, he hid in his favorite story during the worst moments of his life; when he was bullied, when he was in the military, when he couldn't get into a good university, reading always comforted him. In fact, his name means both "reader" and "only child." He said his father gave him that name so he would be independent, but he ended up living a lonely life instead. Also, his only goal when his favorite novel came to life was not to stop the end of the world or save as many people as possible. His goal is simply to reach the end of his favorite story, to reach the epilogue.

It's a great story, definitely my favorite by far.

Yeah, I get you. Here in Brazil it's become impossible for the average person to buy more than one book per month. It's a good thing there's pdfs and epubs all round (not nearly as pleasant as a real book).

My favorite book is "Lira dos Vinte Anos", a brazilian poetry book from the XIX century. Its poems deeply resonate with me for their romantic and idealistic aspects. The author, Álvares de Azevedo died really young, and his poetry kind of predicted it in some ways. Maybe my suicidal ideation has to do with that predilection.
I google translated one of them so you could get the idea (it rhymes and sounds nicer in portuguese):

Farewell, my dreams, I mourn and die!
I carry no longing from existence!
And so much life that filled my chest Died in my sad youth!

Wretched! I devoted my poor days
To the mad fate of a fruitless love...
And my soul in darkness now sleeps Like a gaze that death shrouds in mourning!

What remains for me, my God?!...
may the star of my candid loves die with me,
Since I do not carry in my dead chest Not even a handful of wilted flowers!

Oh, that sounds really interesting. I can see why you like it. I've been reading some of his poems, they're really beautiful! I wish I knew Portuguese though, I can't find much about him in my language.

By the way, thanks for taking the time to translate it!

I also have a deep love for a Manhwa called Here U Are.

I think I've heard of this one! I probably have it saved somewhere; the drawing style looks familiar. What is it about?

Thanks for the compliment, btw! Do you also like Omori? I played it very recently and it quickly became my favorite of all. So comforting in the way it made me cry

Oh, and I do like Omori, I just haven't finished playing it yet. I was playing it on my old computer a while ago, but it wasn't running very well there. Maybe I could play it now. Who is your favorite character? I really like Basil and Kel. :]

 

[ginko0]

Exactly what I was thinking. It's depressing not to be able to allow myself to be selfish. Yes, nothing is fair.
I think there are a lot of people who have recovered by having something to stay for, but I think it's cruel to force people to stay. Wish it were easier.

Easier? But I thought it was the easy way out! (Irony).

Most people would call me crazy or hate me on a personal level, but I firmly believe that every country should grant its citizens (at least the ones with no children) access to painless and humane death at wish. But ofc that, for economical, social and religious reasons, that will never come true.

As it is, I truly can't see myself going on for 10, 20, 30 more years in this life. Just waiting for the right time though. Have you chosen a specific date? I can't seem to find one for me, lol.

Ah, haha. I'm still trying to catch up. I was reading a Spanish translation and was halfway through, but it was so poorly translated that I decided to start over from the beginning with an English translation. As such, the main story is finished and there are 551 chapters, but I'm only on chapter 100 since I started over recently. I'm a slow reader, too.

And it's quite interesting! It's not a BL, although it's commonly mistaken for one thanks to the chemistry between the main characters. Most readers ship them, and I'm one of them, lol.
To sum it up. Kim Dokja is a pretty ordinary guy; he's an office worker who doesn't stand out in any way, and who has spent much of his life reading a web novel called "Three Ways to Survive in a Ruined World." One day, while riding the subway, he realized that the novel he had spent years reading was coming true, and the peculiar thing is that he was the only reader of the novel, so he is the only person who knows what is going to happen. Kim Dokja is truly a character you can easily relate to. Reading was his escape from the reality he was living, he hid in his favorite story during the worst moments of his life; when he was bullied, when he was in the military, when he couldn't get into a good university, reading always comforted him. In fact, his name means both "reader" and "only child." He said his father gave him that name so he would be independent, but he ended up living a lonely life instead. Also, his only goal when his favorite novel came to life was not to stop the end of the world or save as many people as possible. His goal is simply to reach the end of his favorite story, to reach the epilogue.

It's a great story, definitely my favorite by far.

Loved the concept! One of my favorite games, Alan Wake, has a similar idea of pages coming into existence. Waaay different though. Also, the character was probably inspired on me. Reading, for me, has also been a way of coping and escaping from reality, while also being a way of gaining knowledge to understand the world. Anyway, I'm gonna bookmark it so I can check it out after some readings I've gotta do. I'm mostly into BL or Seinen stories, though not always!

You have a long way till the last chapter at least you won't experience that saddening feeling of finishing an amazing story for some time.

Oh, that sounds really interesting. I can see why you like it. I've been reading some of his poems, they're really beautiful! I wish I knew Portuguese though, I can't find much about him in my language.

By the way, thanks for taking the time to translate it!

Brazil is not the best at preserving/universalizing its culture. Even in portuguese there's not much about him Had we the power and money of the USA, who knows...(at least we don't get to have certain someone as president...). Is your native language english?

I think I've heard of this one! I probably have it saved somewhere; the drawing style looks familiar. What is it about?

It's gonna sound soo cliche. But basically, Li Huan, who's just lost his mother, becomes Yu Yang's new college friend. At first Li Huan seems like a rude ass-thing, but later Yu Yang finds him playing piano and crying. Yu Yang plays the piano with him in a totally not-gay scene, and from then on their relationship develops. It's not that the story is revolutionary, but the humor and the characters comfort me and I JUST MIGHT have developed unhealthy attachment to non-existent humans!

Oh, and I do like Omori, I just haven't finished playing it yet. I was playing it on my old computer a while ago, but it wasn't running very well there. Maybe I could play it now. Who is your favorite character? I really like Basil and Kel. :]

Tell me you haven't got any spoilers!!! Well, at this point is unlikely, haha! Hope you get to finish it, its impactful and even the good ending left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I'll only say one thing: KNIFE + MEWO = NO!

As to the my favorite character, Kel all the way! I simply love playful characters that lighten up the mood. I'm a very introverted guy, so characters like Kel and Sans from Undertale kinda give me vibes different from mine, which I so much need. What other games have you played? Since you like Omori, I'll take the liberty to recommend Undertale and To the Moon. They're both rpg maker games that should run with no problem and they both feel like a hug at times.

Thanks for the answer! If you want, you can start a conversation in the chat, or break the world record for longest post, that also works.

 

[KimDokja]

Easier? But I thought it was the easy way out! (Irony).

Most people would call me crazy or hate me on a personal level, but I firmly believe that every country should grant its citizens (at least the ones with no children) access to painless and humane death at wish. But ofc that, for economical, social and religious reasons, that will never come true.

As it is, I truly can't see myself going on for 10, 20, 30 more years in this life. Just waiting for the right time though. Have you chosen a specific date? I can't seem to find one for me, lol.

Haha. I agree with you actually. It's a shame that something like this isn't considered, especially taking into account that there are people with illnesses and chronic pain who are forced to continue living. Isn't that a little cruel? Sometimes I think about it tbh.

And I understand. I can't even see myself living another year. Until now, I've only sought distractions so I don't feel so bad about living, but as I said on my first post I truly believe that I wasn't really born to be a functional human being. I don't want to deal with my emotions, so my date to CTB is likely the 31st of this month, or maybe a few days later. It depends on the day of the week, lol.

Loved the concept! One of my favorite games, Alan Wake, has a similar idea of pages coming into existence. Waaay different though. Also, the character was probably inspired on me. Reading, for me, has also been a way of coping and escaping from reality, while also being a way of gaining knowledge to understand the world. Anyway, I'm gonna bookmark it so I can check it out after some readings I've gotta do. I'm mostly into BL or Seinen stories, though not always!

You have a long way till the last chapter at least you won't experience that saddening feeling of finishing an amazing story for some time.

I just looked it up. Alan Wake looks pretty good; I love psychological horror, though sadly I'm too scared to play them on my own. And pleaseee please, read it! Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint also has a manhwa, but if I'm honest, I recommend the novel a thousand times more. In the story, we mostly read Dokja's thoughts, And in the manhwa, there are many things that are skipped over because of this. Also, they don't develop the relationship between Dokja and Yoo Joonghyuk very well (he's the protagonist of Ways of Survival, the novel Dokja likes.)
Believe me, it's very worth it! Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to reach the end of it because of the little time I have left and how slow I read, but that's okay.

By the way, I also like Bls, although I haven't read as much as I used to. My favorite by far is 'Lost in the Cloud'. I love stories that deal with serious, psychological stuff. Maybe I'm a little masochistic, because I find them more entertaining even if I suffer reading them lol.

Brazil is not the best at preserving/universalizing its culture. Even in portuguese there's not much about him Had we the power and money of the USA, who knows...(at least we don't get to have certain someone as president...). Is your native language english?

It's a real shame, worst part is that I can't say that my president is any better lol. My native language is Spanish, I'm from Venezuela, actually. We're not that far apart!

It's gonna sound soo cliche. But basically, Li Huan, who's just lost his mother, becomes Yu Yang's new college friend. At first Li Huan seems like a rude ass-thing, but later Yu Yang finds him playing piano and crying. Yu Yang plays the piano with him in a totally not-gay scene, and from then on their relationship develops. It's not that the story is revolutionary, but the humor and the characters comfort me and I JUST MIGHT have developed unhealthy attachment to non-existent humans!

I love the way you explain it, LOL. Is it finished, by any chance? I'd love to start reading it; it sounds fun.

Tell me you haven't got any spoilers!!! Well, at this point is unlikely, haha! Hope you get to finish it, its impactful and even the good ending left a bittersweet taste in my mouth. I'll only say one thing: KNIFE + MEWO = NO!

As to the my favorite character, Kel all the way! I simply love playful characters that lighten up the mood. I'm a very introverted guy, so characters like Kel and Sans from Undertale kinda give me vibes different from mine, which I so much need. What other games have you played? Since you like Omori, I'll take the liberty to recommend Undertale and To the Moon. They're both rpg maker games that should run with no problem and they both feel like a hug at times.

Thanks for the answer! If you want, you can start a conversation in the chat, or break the world record for longest post, that also works.

I've spoiled myself more than I'd like, but I don't mind spoilers that much! I'd still love to continue the game. And I think we have similar tastes in characters haha, because my favorites are usually the same; the hyperactive, lively, and fun ones are always the best. That's why I love Kel.

And of course, I've played some games. One of my favorites is ZENO Remake, also Dead Plate, SHTDN, And some visual novels.
I'm currently playing Persona 5!!

Oh, and one saga I love is 'Life is Strange'. I recently played 'Life is Strange 2' and it almost made me cry; it's truly a great game. I'd like to say I like decision-making games, but I had a really hard time playing it because I really didn't want any of them to die lol. I highly recommend it to you, if you like that kind of games.

Of course, I played Undertale a lot of times years ago, but I hadn't heard of the other one you mentioned. I'll check it out!
What kind of games do you like?

And I would love to start a chat. I would have if I knew how haha. I wanted to respond to everything you said but I didn't know how to do it in a private message. If you know how, feel free to start a conversation! And thank you for your time.

 

[KimDokja]

.

I don't know if you'll read this, it was the only way I had to send a scheduled message haha.

The opportunity presented itself to me just now, I'm alone and I'm going to do it, this message should reach you tomorrow, August 17th.

Thanks for everything, my friend. I really enjoyed talking with you. Like I said, it's been a while since I had such an interesting conversation. You're amazing! I really appreciate you being there for me, and I really hope everything goes well for you. I hope we can meet again, in customizable paradise or wherever, lol.

I don't regret having failed before, because I got to know you better, at least for a few days. Take care and good luck, my friend! I wish you all the best, I really do