I am pretty deeply suicidal right now and have been for the past two months or so. I am a college student and have basically convinced myself that when I return to school in September, I will order sodium nitrite through one of those online labs (maybe I've missed a policy that they only ship to institutions or something, but it looks incredibly easy to me to purchase a bottle for $50 off Cole-Parmer or similar provider to a PO box) and then kill myself, so that my parents don't have to be the ones to find my body. Practically every day, even when I am otherwise very happy and enjoying life, I find myself thinking things like, "It's good that if this is going to be my last month alive, at least it's going pretty well and my family will have good memories of me."
I have had bouts of suicidal thinking in the past, several plans, and one "attempt" where I identified a tall, public building 30 minutes away and planned to jump from it, but only got as far as spraining my ankle jumping from my bathroom window before coming back home. However, most of the time, if I wait out the suicidal thinking for 1-2 days, or a week at most, it goes away. This is the first time it's lasted this long.
I am aware that I should probably talk to someone irl about it. However, I'm dealing with a mixture of reasons why I am strongly motivated not to.
1) VERY MUCH want to avoid involuntary hospitalization. Truly would rather be dead than have that happen, and not just in the "well I am suicidal so I would rather be dead than a great many things" sense
2) Fear of public embarrassment. This one is pretty stupid. Related to the first one, I'm pretty sure that if I told anyone how bad my suicidal thinking is, my parents would at minimum withdraw me from school (any friends or counselors I talked to would likely report me and also probably be right to). I really can't handle the social shame of being so deeply suicidal I have to drop out of school.
3) Perception that I am causing trouble for the people around me. I don't want other people to feel burdened by the fact that I am so depressed. I especially don't want anyone to not report me, but then feel guilty if/when I commit suicide. On the other hand, if they do report me, it's back to problem numbers 1 and 2 and honestly I don't know that I could bring myself to forgive anyone who got me hospitalized.
I have only ever used a suicide hotline once, because it ended in them going in circles with me for thirty minutes, then declaring that they were going to call the police and hanging up the phone. The police didn't show up for an hour, which was honestly worse than if they'd responded quickly, and on the whole it was a very negative experience.
I find myself writing out suicide letters in my head and attempting to determine who I should be writing to, what I should say, and when I should do it. I think about the impact on other people and feel pretty bad, but I feel like I can't make myself push through this for the sake of other people. As incredibly pathetic as it sounds, the only times I find myself wavering are when I think about things like "well that next comic issue hasn't come out yet and I would like to see what happens." I have it all pretty planned out - I'll do it on a weekend, I'll tell my friends that I'm headed home for a few days, and I'll do a schedule send email to campus security informing of my death for two days later so that no one has to be traumatized by a decomposed dead body when they inevitably open up my room trying to find me. Or I'll rent a motel, not quite decided on that part. I worry that doing it on college campus might be worse for copycat suicides.
Honestly, if I told someone today and dropped out of school and either got hospitalized or put under significant suicide watch, I could probably make it another two years. Except, though it's pretty ridiculous, I really hate the thought of being a failure. If I'm a college dropout who sat at home and did nothing but cause the people around him pain for two years, and then I committed suicide, it would be sad but like people expect that. If I'm a straight-A student at a top college with good job prospects and THEN I commit suicide, at least people will be sad for me. Which is really an awful way of thinking and very selfish, because shouldn't my goal to be at least to minimize the hurt that the people around me experience? Why would I want to cause extra, unnecessary pain to people? I actually do feel pretty terrible about that part of the plan and my motivations, but I can't get myself over the fact that at least if I die now, people won't be disappointed in me and perceive me as a failure.
I don't really know why I'm even posting this. I guess I'm just looking for the ability to vent and talk about this without the fear that they will be able to get me hospitalized. I'm not sure that I like the idea of dying, but I think it feels more like an inevitability that I may as well make as pleasant for myself as possible. Why try and struggle through several more years that will be even worse than my current situation, when I know that it's going to end this way? I am so sad so much of the time, and I hate myself. I am incredibly, incredibly lucky with my financial circumstances and my family and basically everything else, and I still am so sad and depressed, so I can't imagine any material thing that would improve my mental health. I've tried antidepressants and talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy and exercise and keto diet and supplements and hormones and I am STILL this way. I really can't imagine thing ever getting better and I feel like I may as well kill myself at a point in time where people will remember me as a tragedy rather than a disappointment.
I have had bouts of suicidal thinking in the past, several plans, and one "attempt" where I identified a tall, public building 30 minutes away and planned to jump from it, but only got as far as spraining my ankle jumping from my bathroom window before coming back home. However, most of the time, if I wait out the suicidal thinking for 1-2 days, or a week at most, it goes away. This is the first time it's lasted this long.
I am aware that I should probably talk to someone irl about it. However, I'm dealing with a mixture of reasons why I am strongly motivated not to.
1) VERY MUCH want to avoid involuntary hospitalization. Truly would rather be dead than have that happen, and not just in the "well I am suicidal so I would rather be dead than a great many things" sense
2) Fear of public embarrassment. This one is pretty stupid. Related to the first one, I'm pretty sure that if I told anyone how bad my suicidal thinking is, my parents would at minimum withdraw me from school (any friends or counselors I talked to would likely report me and also probably be right to). I really can't handle the social shame of being so deeply suicidal I have to drop out of school.
3) Perception that I am causing trouble for the people around me. I don't want other people to feel burdened by the fact that I am so depressed. I especially don't want anyone to not report me, but then feel guilty if/when I commit suicide. On the other hand, if they do report me, it's back to problem numbers 1 and 2 and honestly I don't know that I could bring myself to forgive anyone who got me hospitalized.
I have only ever used a suicide hotline once, because it ended in them going in circles with me for thirty minutes, then declaring that they were going to call the police and hanging up the phone. The police didn't show up for an hour, which was honestly worse than if they'd responded quickly, and on the whole it was a very negative experience.
I find myself writing out suicide letters in my head and attempting to determine who I should be writing to, what I should say, and when I should do it. I think about the impact on other people and feel pretty bad, but I feel like I can't make myself push through this for the sake of other people. As incredibly pathetic as it sounds, the only times I find myself wavering are when I think about things like "well that next comic issue hasn't come out yet and I would like to see what happens." I have it all pretty planned out - I'll do it on a weekend, I'll tell my friends that I'm headed home for a few days, and I'll do a schedule send email to campus security informing of my death for two days later so that no one has to be traumatized by a decomposed dead body when they inevitably open up my room trying to find me. Or I'll rent a motel, not quite decided on that part. I worry that doing it on college campus might be worse for copycat suicides.
Honestly, if I told someone today and dropped out of school and either got hospitalized or put under significant suicide watch, I could probably make it another two years. Except, though it's pretty ridiculous, I really hate the thought of being a failure. If I'm a college dropout who sat at home and did nothing but cause the people around him pain for two years, and then I committed suicide, it would be sad but like people expect that. If I'm a straight-A student at a top college with good job prospects and THEN I commit suicide, at least people will be sad for me. Which is really an awful way of thinking and very selfish, because shouldn't my goal to be at least to minimize the hurt that the people around me experience? Why would I want to cause extra, unnecessary pain to people? I actually do feel pretty terrible about that part of the plan and my motivations, but I can't get myself over the fact that at least if I die now, people won't be disappointed in me and perceive me as a failure.
I don't really know why I'm even posting this. I guess I'm just looking for the ability to vent and talk about this without the fear that they will be able to get me hospitalized. I'm not sure that I like the idea of dying, but I think it feels more like an inevitability that I may as well make as pleasant for myself as possible. Why try and struggle through several more years that will be even worse than my current situation, when I know that it's going to end this way? I am so sad so much of the time, and I hate myself. I am incredibly, incredibly lucky with my financial circumstances and my family and basically everything else, and I still am so sad and depressed, so I can't imagine any material thing that would improve my mental health. I've tried antidepressants and talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy and exercise and keto diet and supplements and hormones and I am STILL this way. I really can't imagine thing ever getting better and I feel like I may as well kill myself at a point in time where people will remember me as a tragedy rather than a disappointment.
