I am in a clinic currently. I am more or less in a clique. The people are not perfect and I could not imagine to become real friends with them. But at clinic we enjoy spending time with each other.
We are two guys and two borderline women. We men are some years older than the women. The other guy seems to be a loser virgin just as me. However, I insist that we are not the same. This dude does all the fucking time very awkward sex jokes. Jokes you might hear from fifth or sixth graders. A very friendly staff member got into (big?) trouble for not intervening in these jokes. After clinic time we walk together to public transport. Then we talk uncensored also about suicide.
So this dude does these very awkward sex jokes all the time and I tried to check the facial expression of the other women. The last time only one of them was around. And honestly she looked like in pain when he did these jokes. She acted like hahaha so funny on the outside. But it was so fucking obvious it made her uncomfortable. I met so many women who became mentally ill because of sexual abuse. I have become very careful with such jokes because it can trigger them. Especially at clinics such jokes are very inappropritate. I even considered to tell this dude to stop these jokes when we were alone. But it could make it even worse.
When I joined in the small talk I searched for topics to talk about. I mentioned religion, politics, movies etc. And I think she feared I would say sexual experiences next. She looked sort of uncomfortable and fearful. However, of course I did not mention sexuality once. I think she appreciated I cirumvented that topic. It sort of makes me proud. She looked thankful but I should not overinterpret that. I am not interested in her as a woman and I think she has a boyfriend anyway.
One of my paranoid fears is. Something that can make me extremely depressed and suicidal it is a pathological thinkingg pattern I am or was seen by others as a pervert who molests women. After my manias this almost drove me to commit suicide. And if this returns I am going to ctb because of this extreme pain. Though it is far from the truth. The extremely attractive women I once had a crush on at college (and who was raped) told me that I am a great and genuinely good person. I did her some favors because I feared she might have felt pressured by me. I think this was unnecessary but she considers me a very good human being which feels good.
I hate the notion to make a women uncomfortable when it comes to (sexual) relationships.
I am not sure how that develops in the clinic. I have the feeling the topic sexuality can trigger many SA surviviors. It is really a bad idea to crack sex jokes in a clinic for mentally ill people. Especially if more or less acute suicidal people are present. I feel better because I don't do such garbage behavior. But there are still so many other behaviors I despise myself for.
We are two guys and two borderline women. We men are some years older than the women. The other guy seems to be a loser virgin just as me. However, I insist that we are not the same. This dude does all the fucking time very awkward sex jokes. Jokes you might hear from fifth or sixth graders. A very friendly staff member got into (big?) trouble for not intervening in these jokes. After clinic time we walk together to public transport. Then we talk uncensored also about suicide.
So this dude does these very awkward sex jokes all the time and I tried to check the facial expression of the other women. The last time only one of them was around. And honestly she looked like in pain when he did these jokes. She acted like hahaha so funny on the outside. But it was so fucking obvious it made her uncomfortable. I met so many women who became mentally ill because of sexual abuse. I have become very careful with such jokes because it can trigger them. Especially at clinics such jokes are very inappropritate. I even considered to tell this dude to stop these jokes when we were alone. But it could make it even worse.
When I joined in the small talk I searched for topics to talk about. I mentioned religion, politics, movies etc. And I think she feared I would say sexual experiences next. She looked sort of uncomfortable and fearful. However, of course I did not mention sexuality once. I think she appreciated I cirumvented that topic. It sort of makes me proud. She looked thankful but I should not overinterpret that. I am not interested in her as a woman and I think she has a boyfriend anyway.
One of my paranoid fears is. Something that can make me extremely depressed and suicidal it is a pathological thinkingg pattern I am or was seen by others as a pervert who molests women. After my manias this almost drove me to commit suicide. And if this returns I am going to ctb because of this extreme pain. Though it is far from the truth. The extremely attractive women I once had a crush on at college (and who was raped) told me that I am a great and genuinely good person. I did her some favors because I feared she might have felt pressured by me. I think this was unnecessary but she considers me a very good human being which feels good.
I hate the notion to make a women uncomfortable when it comes to (sexual) relationships.
I am not sure how that develops in the clinic. I have the feeling the topic sexuality can trigger many SA surviviors. It is really a bad idea to crack sex jokes in a clinic for mentally ill people. Especially if more or less acute suicidal people are present. I feel better because I don't do such garbage behavior. But there are still so many other behaviors I despise myself for.
