Venting Dont be toxic / Listen to yourself

[GoSan1]

I have been turning to my old self again these past days, fully toxic in my games and hurting people with words. I hate myself, I hate that I can't control it, but it's like something that just takes over, and I can't stop playing games, because they make my thoughts stop. This singular week has messed me up so badly, I don't even wanna be like this, I don't want to hurt people, especially knowing how it feels like. My head is just fucked right now, my mother isn't behaving the same since my mistake, which is understandable... My faith is in the gutter, my hopes turned to despair

I got signs, I had everything ready if I just had had ctb'd on the 24th of November, but I didn't, and now m on my way further down this endless void of suffering, losing myself more and more. I can't think straight anymore, just wanna rot in my room, this is not living, this is simply staying alive... You should listen to yourself, as only you know what is best for yourself. This is so mean and cruel for all of us, this suffering. If it would just end...

 

[belly.up4good]

I have been turning to my old self again these past days, fully toxic in my games and hurting people with words. I hate myself, I hate that I can't control it, but it's like something that just takes over, and I can't stop playing games, because they make my thoughts stop. This singular week has messed me up so badly, I don't even wanna be like this, I don't want to hurt people, especially knowing how it feels like. My head is just fucked right now, my mother isn't behaving the same since my mistake, which is understandable... My faith is in the gutter, my hopes turned to despair

I got signs, I had everything ready if I just had had ctb'd on the 24th of November, but I didn't, and now m on my way further down this endless void of suffering, losing myself more and more. I can't think straight anymore, just wanna rot in my room, this is not living, this is simply staying alive... You should listen to yourself, as only you know what is best for yourself. This is so mean and cruel for all of us, this suffering. If it would just end...

Impulse is strong, wanting to take it out on people.. It's easier to give in and be mean than to be polite. I recently told someone in a game I hope they died and they agreed and I just felt so guilty, and worried I might've contributed to whatever they're going through. I used to do it a lot a couple years back but doing it again was different this time. I used to hope people I passed in the halls would start something with me so I could take it out on them. What's helped me is the fact I was my past self once, and I could be my true self again and be better than this. But it's been a long..long walk. Still giving in to impulses. Still restarting progress. We really aren't living. I hope it gets better for you *hug*

 

[theater]

Given how awful you feel I think playing games is the right thing to do. You said games take your mind off of the negative thoughts. That's a good thing.

I feel sorry for you. You're stuck in your room, alone. Your family doesn't like you and you lash out at them. I have been there back when I was a teenager.

My alcoholic, drug addicted depressed mom was the only one to talk to me rather than ignore me… and she just wanted to hear lies that I loved her and she was a good mom.

Edit: I don't mean to sound like I'm all better now. I'm definitely not. I'm actively researching methods and practicing. I empathize with you, that's all.

 

[GoSan1]

Impulse is strong, wanting to take it out on people.. It's easier to give in and be mean than to be polite. I recently told someone in a game I hope they died and they agreed and I just felt so guilty, and worried I might've contributed to whatever they're going through. I used to do it a lot a couple years back but doing it again was different this time. I used to hope people I passed in the halls would start something with me so I could take it out on them. What's helped me is the fact I was my past self once, and I could be my true self again and be better than this. But it's been a long..long walk. Still giving in to impulses. Still restarting progress. We really aren't living. I hope it gets better for you *hug*

I think that the situation of hating life to the utmost and wanting to die contributes to it. The frustration of losing games or being bad combined with a life where you survive rather than live can be the main problem.

Either way, I'm not justifying it, just looking for excuses for us to feel a bit less guilty...

Given how awful you feel I think playing games is the right thing to do. You said games take your mind off of the negative thoughts. That's a good thing.

I feel sorry for you. You're stuck in your room, alone. Your family doesn't like you and you lash out at them. I have been there back when I was a teenager.

My alcoholic, drug addicted depressed mom was the only one to talk to me rather than ignore me… and she just wanted to hear lies that I loved her and she was a good mom.

Edit: I don't mean to sound like I'm all better now. I'm definitely not. I'm actively researching methods and practicing. I empathize with you, that's all.

My family loves me, well my mother and brother at least. That isn't the problem. It's my frustration and lack of wanting to live that is making me behave a rude...

Hope you're doing better now <3