Help Doing it for your boyfriend a good idea?

[DreamyLisa]

So I am in a difficult and special kind of situation that is hard to bring up with anybody but I feel like I can open up here.
Many years ago I got diagnosed with a condition that affects the nervous system. Basically it's chronic pain that increases over time. It's treatable to slow it down but it will eventually kill me in a couple years.
I have a loving boyfriend that supports me well. He has a rather sadistic personality and is heavily into pain, torture and the like. It's not that he is evil or treating me badly. It's simply that he is that way and I am not judging. He has always been amazing in our relationship. The fact he likes to inflict pain and watch other people in pain is how we got to know each other to begin with. Whenever I am in more than usual pain and suffering he gets extremely aroused and happy yet he always goes the extra mile with helping me with everything I want and need. In a strange way we are literally soulmates that were made for each other and I am unbelievably thankful to have him.

A week ago I got this idea and it evolved into many sub thoughts:

1. Eventually once the pain gets too bad I want to decide how to end it and not succumb away in coma. What if I would allow my bf to let lose on me with his pain and torture desires as much as he wants and then right afterwards I could end it and he could film both? This way he would get the once in a lifetime experience of his dreams and more importantly have a video of me he would cherish forever after I am gone. It would be like the ultimate memento for him.
2. Should I let him decide on the way to do it given it will influence his memory of me? I really, really just want to make it perfect for him because I love him deeply.
3. I am scared to ask this one but are there ways to enhance pain? As in like taking a pill to make the body feel pain much worse than usual? Basically enhancing the feeling of pain for the video for him? I am conflicted on this given my fears but I am absolutely willing to endure it for my bf for this one final time for us.
4. Are there any other things I should consider to make this a truly unforgettable experience for him?

The pain is not nearly bad enough yet to do this anytime soon but I know it will eventually and I want to be prepared and ready for that time.
I understand it might sound messed up from the outside but given my circumstances I hope there is at least a little understanding for my situation and help with my desire.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I just wanted to say, your thoughts and situation is so beautiful and romantic. To dedicate the end of your inevitable, chronic suffering, to someone who appreciates you and also desires you is amazing. This is possibly my favorite thing I ever read on this forum so far.

I think you two should agree on the method together. Something meaningful between the two of you that works.
As for pain augmentation, I can only think of drug withdrawal for now.

Best of luck!

 

[Venus13]

I'm glad you have this space to be open about this.

Do you enjoy being subjected to pain for his gratification? You say you are "willing to endure it". What aspects of him make you feel deeply in love with him?

My opinion, so just my perspective, as someone with chronic pain this sounds like a pain in the ass on the receiver's end. I'm not seeing a whole lot about how this satisfies your desires. You mentioned what he gets out of the filming and afflicting further pain on you, but do you desire an end like that?

I don't judge you for the thoughts and the situation with this guy, but the guy and the arrangement is suspicious to say the least to an outsider. I remember when I was deeply low I thought about popping on craigslist for an arrangement and doing something similar to this for reasons. It can be strange where our tired minds can take us but I'm not convinced this makes any sense for you, which is my main concern.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Sorry to burst the bubble but realistically:

1. I feel like torturing you until you die while essentially making a snuff video about it is going to get your partner into legal trouble no matter how consensual the declarations you make beforehand. You will be gone so there will be nobody to speak in your partner's defense, and people will be more likely to assume you were coerced into being a willing participant.

2. Are you really sure that's what he wants anyway? If you're going to be in pain while you're alive, and he gets off from pain, wouldn't it better for him if you stayed alive as long as possible? If you want to do something for him. I feel like torturing you would tarnish the memory of you but maybe I'm not in a position to understand that part. I would hazard that sometimes fantasizing about sadistic thoughts is a better outcome than outright pursuing them, in terms of gratification.

3. If you're scared to ask about ways to enhance pain maybe you're not completely ready. I would reconsider. It's after all a lot easier to cause pain than to diminish pain, so I don't think it will be difficult to discover on your own.

4. It sounds like you're happy together, I might be a romantic but I think that's an unforgettable experience on its own.

I don't judge you for the thoughts and the situation with this guy, but the guy and the arrangement is suspicious to say the least to an outsider. I remember when I was deeply low I thought about popping on craigslist for an arrangement and doing something similar to this for reasons. It can be strange where our tired minds can take us but I'm not convinced this makes any sense for you, which is my main concern.

I don't want to bombard the OP personally but I do think this is one of those situations where questions naturally get asked. How long has the relationship been going on, and so on.

 

[audison]

So I am in a difficult and special kind of situation that is hard to bring up with anybody but I feel like I can open up here.
Many years ago I got diagnosed with a condition that affects the nervous system. Basically it's chronic pain that increases over time. It's treatable to slow it down but it will eventually kill me in a couple years.
I have a loving boyfriend that supports me well. He has a rather sadistic personality and is heavily into pain, torture and the like. It's not that he is evil or treating me badly. It's simply that he is that way and I am not judging. He has always been amazing in our relationship. The fact he likes to inflict pain and watch other people in pain is how we got to know each other to begin with. Whenever I am in more than usual pain and suffering he gets extremely aroused and happy yet he always goes the extra mile with helping me with everything I want and need. In a strange way we are literally soulmates that were made for each other and I am unbelievably thankful to have him.

A week ago I got this idea and it evolved into many sub thoughts:

1. Eventually once the pain gets too bad I want to decide how to end it and not succumb away in coma. What if I would allow my bf to let lose on me with his pain and torture desires as much as he wants and then right afterwards I could end it and he could film both? This way he would get the once in a lifetime experience of his dreams and more importantly have a video of me he would cherish forever after I am gone. It would be like the ultimate memento for him.
2. Should I let him decide on the way to do it given it will influence his memory of me? I really, really just want to make it perfect for him because I love him deeply.
3. I am scared to ask this one but are there ways to enhance pain? As in like taking a pill to make the body feel pain much worse than usual? Basically enhancing the feeling of pain for the video for him? I am conflicted on this given my fears but I am absolutely willing to endure it for my bf for this one final time for us.
4. Are there any other things I should consider to make this a truly unforgettable experience for him?

The pain is not nearly bad enough yet to do this anytime soon but I know it will eventually and I want to be prepared and ready for that time.
I understand it might sound messed up from the outside but given my circumstances I hope there is at least a little understanding for my situation and help with my desire.

Sorry about your condition. It's not my place to judge but I wouldn't personally trust that guy to have my best interests in mind. Feel like people who are sadistic in play are usually sadistic in life too.

 

[Jolene79]

If your boyfriend is ok with this suggestion then this is the most messed up thing I've ever read. It's nothing but abuse. I just can't get my head round what I've read. A video like that out there in the public domain would be so distressing and traumatic beyond words. Can you let him just 'love' you for you whilst you are here. The reality of this set up is likely to be hideous beyond words. I have experienced very severe pain beyond what most ever will and it is no picnic

 

[DreamyLisa]

Thank you guys for the replies. The relationship is going for a good few years now and we know each other for many more years on top. He is the perfect boyfriend and never abused me in any way unwillingly.
As for my own thoughts and wants regarding this, well I don't like the pain aspect as he does but it fills me with pleasure and happiness when I see him smile and happy and that in turn makes me unbelievably happy so that's my main motivation and I don't mind it. Hope that makes sense even for people that might not have experienced such a connection yet.
We know each other VERY well and if it wasn't for my condition it would be only a matter of time until we would get married. Who knows, maybe he is secretly still preparing for that before I am gone.
As for more context: yes, I did talk with him about it and at first he was extremely negative and shocked about it but the more I mentioned it the more he understood me. I mean I would have been worried if he wouldn't be able to understand me and I know deep down he likes the idea a lot which shows by the fact how easily he warms up to it.

I am really sure I want to do this eventually, not anytime soon as I feel okayish but I know things WILL get worse and I don't even want to think about those times and this planning is supposed to be for that in the far future. I expected a negative reaction yet it still hurts to hear. Maybe I didn't explain it well enough but we really are extremely close and for a very good amount of time as well and we are not taking this idea lightly.

 

[goodnight cat]

This sounds romantic and all but someone willing to inflict more pain you already have is kinda worrying? For my understanding it's like a fetish thing?

You like to fulfill his desires and fantasies and it makes you happy, which is great in a relationship!
but aren't there other ways to make eachother happier and closer? Feels like it's giving him more and it's draining you.

I don't know your boyfriend but wouldn't he regret and feel sorry after you're gone? I feel like you need to have a good talk with him (without being sexual) if that's the case.


He sounds like a amazing boyfriend, and i really love the amount of work you're putting into this. Hope you guys find out what's best for you

 

[DreamyLisa]

This sounds romantic and all but someone willing to inflict more pain you already have is kinda worrying? For my understanding it's like a fetish thing?

You like to fulfill his desires and fantasies and it makes you happy, which is great in a relationship!
but aren't there other ways to make eachother happier and closer? Feels like it's giving him more and it's draining you.

I don't know your boyfriend but wouldn't he regret and feel sorry after you're gone? I feel like you need to have a good talk with him (without being sexual) if that's the case.


He sounds like a amazing boyfriend, and i really love the amount of work you're putting into this. Hope you guys find out what's best for you

I am pretty sure it's a fetish thing for him but also quite a good bit of his personality. He is not a bad person though because he would never act on any such feelings without consent of others.
The point for me is to organize while I still can and while in good health. I am not planning to act on aynthing in the near future but I want to be ready for it when my health takes a big nosedive and I get close to the end.
Could really need some proper advice.

 

[goodnight cat]

I am pretty sure it's a fetish thing for him but also quite a good bit of his personality. He is not a bad person though because he would never act on any such feelings without consent of others.
The point for me is to organize while I still can and while in good health. I am not planning to act on aynthing in the near future but I want to be ready for it when my health takes a big nosedive and I get close to the end.

Fetishes can be a huge part of a relationship and everyone has their own limits, just be real with yourself, is this what i want? Is this how i want to go?

What if I would allow my bf to let lose on me with his pain and torture desires as much as he wants and then right afterwards I could end it and he could film both?

If you really want to organize this all, know that there are some law issues in which he could end up in big trouble if anything goes wrong.

Maybe if you plan everything right it could work but i see so much legal issues.
As in first letting his torture desires go on you and then you ctb while him filming everything. The authorities would think he 'abused' you and made you take your own life, which he has a video documenting everything. Yea you gave consent but that doesn't work with the laws.

I really understand your desires and i wish you guys so much lovely and good times

 

[DreamyLisa]

Fetishes can be a huge part of a relationship and everyone has their own limits, just be real with yourself, is this what i want? Is this how i want to go?


If you really want to organize this all, know that there are some law issues in which he could end up in big trouble if anything goes wrong.

Maybe if you plan everything right it could work but i see so much legal issues.
As in first letting his torture desires go on you and then you ctb while him filming everything. The authorities would think he 'abused' you and made you take your own life, which he has a video documenting everything. Yea you gave consent but that doesn't work with the laws.

I really understand your desires and i wish you guys so much lovely and good times

yes definitely. To me that is like the least I can do for him in exchange and honestly the fact he would hold me extra fond in his memories because of the whole setup makes me extremely happy in a deep way.
I see your points and those have been nagging me a whole lot as well. So I assume having to end it myself without him around and on video to 100% prove I did it myself and willingly would be the only way but that should work as well because nobody would know who did the torturing beforehand as it would look like I did it myself.
If that is too risky, is there a way to "disappear" for good afterwards?

 

[delusionalgirl]

I went back and forth over how to respond. Because in a sense I kinda get why you would want to do it. Hell I use to wish I could figure out how to go out certain ways due to things I like. But involving anyone else can cause legal issues for them. With it being recorded that's a snuff film. If caught it could be 25 to life. There is no legal way to say hey i agreed to this he didn't do this. There is at least once famous case of something similar and the guy was still charged. Not to mention what it could do to him mentally as well. We are just trying to give you all sides of it.

 

[DreamyLisa]

I went back and forth over how to respond. Because in a sense I kinda get why you would want to do it. Hell I use to wish I could figure out how to go out certain ways due to things I like. But involving anyone else can cause legal issues for them. With it being recorded that's a snuff film. If caught it could be 25 to life. There is no legal way to say hey i agreed to this he didn't do this. There is at least once famous case of something similar and the guy was still charged. Not to mention what it could do to him mentally as well. We are just trying to give you all sides of it.

So basically the torture part would have to be seperate after which he can go and meet someone else and be safe and have proof he definitely didn't do anything while I do it on my own and film for him?

 

[delusionalgirl]

So basically the torture part would have to be seperate after which he can go and meet someone else and be safe and have proof he definitely didn't do anything while I do it on my own and film for him?

I mean if you left him a video that's different. Hell I'm sure most if not all of us have seen some of the ctb videos out there. But even the torture could go back on him too. There are a lot of factors.

 

[DreamyLisa]

I mean if you left him a video that's different. Hell I'm sure most if not all of us have seen some of the ctb videos out there. But even the torture could go back on him too. There are a lot of factors.

I guess so, any idea how to do it then?

 

[goodnight cat]

yes definitely. To me that is like the least I can do for him in exchange and honestly the fact he would hold me extra fond in his memories because of the whole setup makes me extremely happy in a deep way.
I see your points and those have been nagging me a whole lot as well. So I assume having to end it myself without him around and on video to 100% prove I did it myself and willingly would be the only way but that should work as well because nobody would know who did the torturing beforehand as it would look like I did it myself.
If that is too risky, is there a way to "disappear" for good afterwards?

I think it's possible for him to be and film you while you end it yourself, but you would need to plan everything as in you're going to murder someone and leave no traces,
which sounds really hard to do also since your boyfriend is the first person they go to ask what happened to you and i guess when he isn't having a good alibi there's going to be some issues.

You could always encrypt the video to only make it available to him.

I don't really think him being with you while you end it would work, maybe live streaming it to him and letting him record it?

 

[DreamyLisa]

I think it's possible for him to be and film you while you end it yourself, but you would need to plan everything as in you're going to murder someone and leave no traces,
which sounds really hard to do also since your boyfriend is the first person they go to ask what happened to you and i guess when he isn't having a good alibi there's going to be some issues.

You could always encrypt the video to only make it available to him.

I don't really think him being with you while you end it would work, maybe live streaming it to him and letting him record it?

Well that really makes me incredibly sad, knowing my last moments won't be with him but at the same time I can see the issues and the last thing I want is getting him into any legal trouble. Surely it should work if he is gone after our thing and with other people and then I do it myself and film/livestream it to him one one shape or form then so only he can access it maybe?

 

[goodnight cat]

Well that really makes me incredibly sad, knowing my last moments won't be with him but at the same time I can see the issues and the last thing I want is getting him into any legal trouble. Surely it should work if he is gone after our thing and with other people and then I do it myself and film/livestream it to him one one shape or form then so only he can access it maybe?

I'm sorry but him being with you wouldn't really work in legal ways, maybe maybe if he called the authorities after some time when you ctb with the story that 'he was in another room and didn't know you would ctb' that would work, but still then him torturing you beforehand raises a lot of red flags for the authorities.

There's a form of contract you can make, i know doms who like to torture other people like cutting and hot iron marking the other person. They have to sign a sort of contract in which they state they want to be tortured like this.
I don't know the laws where you live but i feel like this would work for you guys.

That could help you with him not being that suspicious after him torturing you.


For the actual ctb part, i would think livestreaming to him is the best option.

 

[DreamyLisa]

I'm sorry but him being with you wouldn't really work in legal ways, maybe maybe if he called the authorities after some time when you ctb with the story that 'he was in another room and didn't know you would ctb' that would work, but still then him torturing you beforehand raises a lot of red flags for the authorities.

There's a form of contract you can make, i know doms who like to torture other people like cutting and hot iron marking the other person. They have to sign a sort of contract in which they state they want to be tortured like this.
I don't know the laws where you live but i feel like this would work for you guys.

That could help you with him not being that suspicious after him torturing you.


For the actual ctb part, i would think livestreaming to him is the best option.

I see. Okay so no way around of doing it myself after the torture session then and livestreaming for him so he won't get any trouble and I can keep my promise of doing this. I assume that's the general consensus then?

 

[90starve]

So I am in a difficult and special kind of situation that is hard to bring up with anybody but I feel like I can open up here.
Many years ago I got diagnosed with a condition that affects the nervous system. Basically it's chronic pain that increases over time. It's treatable to slow it down but it will eventually kill me in a couple years.
I have a loving boyfriend that supports me well. He has a rather sadistic personality and is heavily into pain, torture and the like. It's not that he is evil or treating me badly. It's simply that he is that way and I am not judging. He has always been amazing in our relationship. The fact he likes to inflict pain and watch other people in pain is how we got to know each other to begin with. Whenever I am in more than usual pain and suffering he gets extremely aroused and happy yet he always goes the extra mile with helping me with everything I want and need. In a strange way we are literally soulmates that were made for each other and I am unbelievably thankful to have him.

A week ago I got this idea and it evolved into many sub thoughts:

1. Eventually once the pain gets too bad I want to decide how to end it and not succumb away in coma. What if I would allow my bf to let lose on me with his pain and torture desires as much as he wants and then right afterwards I could end it and he could film both? This way he would get the once in a lifetime experience of his dreams and more importantly have a video of me he would cherish forever after I am gone. It would be like the ultimate memento for him.
2. Should I let him decide on the way to do it given it will influence his memory of me? I really, really just want to make it perfect for him because I love him deeply.
3. I am scared to ask this one but are there ways to enhance pain? As in like taking a pill to make the body feel pain much worse than usual? Basically enhancing the feeling of pain for the video for him? I am conflicted on this given my fears but I am absolutely willing to endure it for my bf for this one final time for us.
4. Are there any other things I should consider to make this a truly unforgettable experience for him?

The pain is not nearly bad enough yet to do this anytime soon but I know it will eventually and I want to be prepared and ready for that time.
I understand it might sound messed up from the outside but given my circumstances I hope there is at least a little understanding for my situation and help with my desire.

this is so romantic, and im happy that you have somebody who can support you so well during your final years <3

 

[goodnight cat]

I see. Okay so no way around of doing it myself after the torture session then and livestreaming for him so he won't get any trouble and I can keep my promise of doing this. I assume that's the general consensus then?

I'm sorry to say this but i think the torture session beforehand would raise a lot of red flags unless you're able to consent to it, which you aren't able to when you ctb.

Even if you would say 'i tortured myself all by myself' the authorities can find out it's your boyfriend who did it because of dna and such. He would still get in trouble.


The torture session before ctb wouldn't work out in his favor.
Maybe have a week or a few days after the session and before you do the ctb?
May i ask what kind of torture? If it's going to leave bruises and cuts, i would say wait a week.

 

[DreamyLisa]

I'm sorry to say this but i think the torture session beforehand would raise a lot of red flags unless you're able to consent to it, which you aren't able to when you ctb.

Even if you would say 'i tortured myself all by myself' the authorities can find out it's your boyfriend who did it because of dna and such. He would still get in trouble.


The torture session before ctb wouldn't work out in his favor.
Maybe have a week or a few days after the session and before you do the ctb?
May i ask what kind of torture? If it's going to leave bruises and cuts, i would say wait a week.

We have not thought about anything specific in that regard yet. As I mentioned this is planning for when I finally reach the end of my health which will only be in a couple years if I am lucky. No plan to ctb just yet.
Thanks for the discussion, I expected problems with it but didn't think it could be this complicated. I really don't want to end it and then have him stuck with authorities thinking he did something to me. That would be a nightmare

 

[goodnight cat]

We have not thought about anything specific in that regard yet. As I mentioned this is planning for when I finally reach the end of my health which will only be in a couple years if I am lucky. No plan to ctb just yet.
Thanks for the discussion, I expected problems with it but didn't think it could be this complicated. I really don't want to end it and then have him stuck with authorities thinking he did something to me. That would be a nightmare

I understand the plans aren't for now but some good planning can make this easier, which you are doing great by asking yourself these questions!

As cruel as it sounds, this is going to be hard to do without having any problems for your boyfriend.

I really hope someone else is having better suggestions for you, maybe some more out of the box thinking would work.

 

[Dot]

Tbf = 1 thng havng a pain kink bt givng ur bf a vdeo of urslf ctb 2 Njoy fls problmatc in almst unlimitd wys

 

[audison]

Are you sure your boyfriend really loves you and isn't just taking advantage of your condition/vulnerability?

 

[DreamyLisa]

Are you sure your boyfriend really loves you and isn't just taking advantage of your condition/vulnerability?

yes 100%. Like he puts all his time and money into helping me with my situation, never complains and is just the best boyfriend you can imagine. I take the fact that he enjoys my suffering as a positive cause that just shows how well we fit together. I totally don't mind that he is how he is because if he wouldn't be like that we would have never met and I would be in a so much darker spot now.

So I had a longer talk with him and he agrees with many things that have been said here. He wants to help me but agrees he could get into trouble for doing so. Ideas we came up with are traveling to countries with very barebones enforcement like Somalia or similar or to rent a boat and do something international waters. I don't like talking with him about this much because I can see how very conflicted he is. On the one hand he loves the thought, the deep craving in his eyes but on the other hand the thought of it happening and losing me is unbearable to him. It's rather difficult.

What are your thoughts?

 

[audison]

yes 100%. Like he puts all his time and money into helping me with my situation, never complains and is just the best boyfriend you can imagine. I take the fact that he enjoys my suffering as a positive cause that just shows how well we fit together. I totally don't mind that he is how he is because if he wouldn't be like that we would have never met and I would be in a so much darker spot now.

So I had a longer talk with him and he agrees with many things that have been said here. He wants to help me but agrees he could get into trouble for doing so. Ideas we came up with are traveling to countries with very barebones enforcement like Somalia or similar or to rent a boat and do something international waters. I don't like talking with him about this much because I can see how very conflicted he is. On the one hand he loves the thought, the deep craving in his eyes but on the other hand the thought of it happening and losing me is unbearable to him. It's rather difficult.

What are your thoughts?

Look I understand wanting to pass on your own terms, I really do. I've been there. but if your partner genuinely enjoys seeing you in agony I would say he doesn't love you at all. Anyone who gets off on suffering like this is absolutely narcissistic and isn't capable of truly of loving anyone. He just understands that you are a vulnerable member of society and only loves you only to the extent that he can have control over you. Sorry to be blunt.
But I would really advise that you didn't travel alone with this guy, because maybe this is redundant but he could take that advantage of this to do horrible horrible things to you.

Do you have any family that can take care of you?

 

[DreamyLisa]

Look I understand wanting to pass on your own terms, I really do. I've been there. but if your partner genuinely enjoys seeing you in agony I would say he doesn't love you at all. Anyone who gets off on suffering like this is absolutely narcissistic and isn't capable of truly of loving anyone. He just understands that you are a vulnerable member of society and only loves you only to the extent that he can have control over you. Sorry to be blunt.
But I would really advise that you didn't travel alone with this guy, because maybe this is redundant but he could take that advantage of this to do horrible horrible things to you.

Do you have any family that can take care of you?

Only have some distant relatives with barely contact and no, my condition makes it hard to make long term friends. That's why I appreciate him even more. Maybe he is narcisstic and has psychopathic tendencies given his love for pain and suffering but he most definitely is not crazy in any way. He is very much sane and understands his mindset well and as I said this whole idea came from myself not him. It's entirely my own plan.

 

[audison]

Hey DreamyLisa,
That's rough. I'm really sorry to hear that. Whether or not you have close family or friends to validate it please remember that you're a person first and foremost. You deserve someone who will treat you like one. There will always be people around who understand your fundamental worth but it's obvious to me that this guy just doesn't.

I don't mean to prie or anything but If you ever need any help, I can recommend a number which deals with domestic violence 800-799-7233
Sorry if that's being intrusive and annoying, that's all I'll say. But please take care of yourself out there man.

 

[suicidalloser]

Well I don't have one of those.
-Heather