SpencerSees
I want to swim until my arms give out 🍀
- Feb 22, 2023
- 148
I had four dogs I cared for from a distance, since I live in a shitty apartment. They were kept at my grandparents house. Two of the puppies just died. I know one was sick, but the other showed no symptoms and was isolated from the other one for weeks. Local vet found nothing, but my grandparents refused to take them to a clinic. I suspect the one who was well up to today had died because of my grandparents. They had complained about them being unruly and hard to feed (despite me giving exact instructions on traning to my aunt and paying for food).
Either way, this is definitely not helping with my plans haha. I feel mostly numb which somehow horrifies me more than actual sadness would. My friend tried to help but I feel disgusted by his pity. Not to mention he just talks without listening. None of the people around me know anything about me.
Pets, family, friends, men, they all just seem to hurt me. Sometimes not even intentionally, but I am so tired of being hurt.
My ED is quite bad again I guess. Maybe not as bad as it could be. I'm still normal weight despite losing 5kg last month. I thought maybe if I just got sick enough, people would be kind to me. But that's way too far away for me to look forward to.
I know I have to accept that I won't be saved, but I still feel like a kid getting raped by a family member and begging for someone to notice. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I miss my puppies dearly and I hope there is something similar to a christian heaven. And when also go there, hopefully soon, we'll be together.
Either way, this is definitely not helping with my plans haha. I feel mostly numb which somehow horrifies me more than actual sadness would. My friend tried to help but I feel disgusted by his pity. Not to mention he just talks without listening. None of the people around me know anything about me.
Pets, family, friends, men, they all just seem to hurt me. Sometimes not even intentionally, but I am so tired of being hurt.
My ED is quite bad again I guess. Maybe not as bad as it could be. I'm still normal weight despite losing 5kg last month. I thought maybe if I just got sick enough, people would be kind to me. But that's way too far away for me to look forward to.
I know I have to accept that I won't be saved, but I still feel like a kid getting raped by a family member and begging for someone to notice. I don't think I'll ever get over that. I miss my puppies dearly and I hope there is something similar to a christian heaven. And when also go there, hopefully soon, we'll be together.
