Discussion Does worry that you will change your mind during an attempt mean that you don't really want this?

[Unrequitedlife]

I can't stop the thoughts of ending my time in this existence from invading my mind, they are almost constant and i feel i am likely to give in. But when they become intense, i feel this adrenaline rush like I'm about to do a bungee jump or something. I can't stop thinking about the possibility of regretting my actions during an attempt. Does this mean it is not what i really want? I'm feeling very confused right now

 

[getoutgirl]

That can be in great part due to SI, Survival Instinct, our brains are wired to enter that survival adrenaline mode when they recognize we are face to face with death, which is a smart move by nature, but it makes most suicide attempts a lot more unpleasant. Very. Some people experience it easier, some worse. And that fear of regret is not unfounded, it is a thing that can happen. Lot of jumping survivors mention it. Brain can do that and a lot of attempts end that way. Which is a shame in terms of the added suffering to those people who have already reached that low point, regardless of their final outcome.

But I don't think that alone should speak for whether you "really want it" or not.
Nor that if recognizing it's just a natural instinctive response, and that's all it is, that means you really should do it.
I don't think it should go either way.
We are not in your head so we can't tell what you "really want", and sometimes we feel like we are not even in our own heads to tell that. Sometimes we can't. It's hard to use the brain against itself, to excrutinize past instincts and fears and confusion and wills and end up at a stable position. If you got a battle raging at the moment between those opposites, of life and death, regrets and release, I'd say it is very worth it to examine it thorougly. Like I said, past the instincts and past the pain, whenever that's posible which will not be all the time. If you can find a source for your fear of regret beyond the natural, or reasons for why you want so desperately to leave aside from the general pain, deeper ones, that'd be a win, and clear a bit of the path forward.
Don't know you and don't know what would be the best way to do that, how to ease that confusion even if just a little which I'm sure would be appreciated, but I can only wish you the best of luck with that, and that you can get easier days soon. hugs <3

 

[Linda]

I can't stop the thoughts of ending my time in this existence from invading my mind, they are almost constant and i feel i am likely to give in. But when they become intense, i feel this adrenaline rush like I'm about to do a bungee jump or something. I can't stop thinking about the possibility of regretting my actions during an attempt. Does this mean it is not what i really want? I'm feeling very confused right now

I think you should wait for a while (perhaps a few months) until your thoughts and feelings about catching the bus bcome clearer. It concerns me that for you suicide is linked, however indirectly, with an adrenaline rush. I have never heard anyone talk like that before, and I'm not sure what it means.

Whatever you do, don't rush.

 

[Unrequitedlife]

That can be in great part due to SI, Survival Instinct, our brains are wired to enter that survival adrenaline mode when they recognize we are face to face with death, which is a smart move by nature, but it makes most suicide attempts a lot more unpleasant. Very. Some people experience it easier, some worse. And that fear of regret is not unfounded, it is a thing that can happen. Lot of jumping survivors mention it. Brain can do that and a lot of attempts end that way. Which is a shame in terms of the added suffering to those people who have already reached that low point, regardless of their final outcome.

But I don't think that alone should speak for whether you "really want it" or not.
Nor that if recognizing it's just a natural instinctive response, and that's all it is, that means you really should do it.
I don't think it should go either way.
We are not in your head so we can't tell what you "really want", and sometimes we feel like we are not even in our own heads to tell that. Sometimes we can't. It's hard to use the brain against itself, to excrutinize past instincts and fears and confusion and wills and end up at a stable position. If you got a battle raging at the moment between those opposites, of life and death, regrets and release, I'd say it is very worth it to examine it thorougly. Like I said, past the instincts and past the pain, whenever that's posible which will not be all the time. If you can find a source for your fear of regret beyond the natural, or reasons for why you want so desperately to leave aside from the general pain, deeper ones, that'd be a win, and clear a bit of the path forward.
Don't know you and don't know what would be the best way to do that, how to ease that confusion even if just a little which I'm sure would be appreciated, but I can only wish you the best of luck with that, and that you can get easier days soon. hugs <3

wow, thank you so much for your response, your words are really quite profound and insightful. In some way they are also comforting in that i feel as though they validate my conflict. You are right in that i don't feel clear on my motivations in either direction. I will try to consider the questions, but often my mind fogs up when i try to do this. i seem to be driven by emotion and urges. thank you again

I think you should wait for a while (perhaps a few months) until your thoughts and feelings about catching the bus bcome clearer. It concerns me that for you suicide is linked, however indirectly, with an adrenaline rush. I have never heard anyone talk like that before, and I'm not sure what it means.

Whatever you do, don't rush.

thank you so much for taking the time to read this and respond, it really does mean a lot. I agree that to wait would be the best course of action, i just feel this as an urge and ooften it is very intense and hard to push back against. I think i chose my words poorly in terms of the Adrenalin, it is not so much in the context of choosing this for a rush like you might for jump i poorly chose as an example, so much as the fear response when my urges become strong i feel the adrenaline almost as if i making an attempt and I'm frightened. Thank you again

 

[eupdplishlp]

Hi, do you like the adrenaline rush or not really as that is very telling on it

I can't stop the thoughts of ending my time in this existence from invading my mind, they are almost constant and i feel i am likely to give in. But when they become intense, i feel this adrenaline rush like I'm about to do a bungee jump or something. I can't stop thinking about the possibility of regretting my actions during an attempt. Does this mean it is not what i really want? I'm feeling very confused right no

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

If you are thinking about any regrets at all, you are not ready.

 

[Intoxicated]

Well, usually death is not the primary goal. The primary goal of suicide is getting rid of mental and/or physical discomfort. Death is just something that allows you to achieve the primary goal. A CTB attempt is associated with some advantage and disadvantages:

• advantage: if you succeed, you get rid of experiencing any discomfort forever;
• disadvantage #1: regardless of whether you succeed or not, you may lose the ability to enjoy things forever;
• disadvantage #2: the attempt may bring a lot of physical discomfort to you.

Your evaluation of whether the advantage outweighs the importance of disadvantages may be volatile and highly depend on what you're focusing your attention on at the current moment. When you focus your attention on the potential advantage of CTB attempt, you have more chances to value it more than the possibility of not dealing with the disadvantages; and when you focus your attention on the disadvantages, you may start to value the opportunity of not dealing with them more than the potential advantage of CTB attempt.

When you are about to jump or do something risky, it's very likely that your brain will be focused primarily on the disadvantages - perhaps, mostly #2, that may make you reevaluate the balance between the advantage and the disadvantages. Forgetting about the primary goal by substituting it with the abstract idea of death ("I want to die, but I forgot why...") may alter your intuitive feeling of whether an attempt to kill yourself this particular way right now is worth it.

Note that anxiety may be triggered by risky situations which are unrelated to possibilities of injuries or death. For example, fear of shame may prevent you from doing some things in a similar manner to how fear of pain may prevent you from going through a CTB attempt. Fear ≠ survival instinct. And pain avoidance ≠ survival instinct. So I wouldn't recommend to pay attention to pseudo-scientific theories about survival instinct which exaggerate the role of biological self-preservation mechanisms in decision making - these theories only distract your attention, preventing you from deep self-reflection on the internal conflicts associated with CTB.