hi again. long post. before talking about anything "new", i will mention my previous post that talks about myself and what i was considering. details on the method are on the comments section of that post.
truth is, i've found things that keep me away from committing suicide. my greatest passion is and has always been cats. i love my catto and whenever i feel down he's there. he doesn't ask questions and i'm pretty sure he appreciates me, regardless of how idle my life is. recently i've started wanting to raise a female cat, and not neuter it, and eventually helping her raise her own kittens. this isn't happening anytime soon, i think, so details regarding that are vague. but i really want it. i've also been fantasizing a lot about the LDR i'm in. even though we live very far away from each other, i know for a fact we'll meet someday. i don't know what will happen after that, but i know i have to be patient and i will be. all i want is for her to be happy. i've also started reading much more again. i'm not sure if i actually enjoy reading, but it does distract me, and it's healthier than playing videogames all day. i got really into the Warriors novels, and i'm reading other books simultaneously.
except for these things, i'm completely blank.
what i wanted to get to is, i still think of taking my own life. just today i went to what i decided my suicide spot would be (a very unfrequented and hard to access spot of the beach), but got interrupted by someone else getting there, so i left. i've never seen someone there before, so it weirded me out. i cry a lot, sometimes from thinking, sometimes from reading, sometimes it just happens. i often read the suicide note i wrote, but i'm unsure on how to describe the feeling it gives me.
i don't want to be in this place anymore, but not everything is so bad. i may think about ending it often, but i also think about these things dearly. i guess i'll keep going forward, for now.
truth is, i've found things that keep me away from committing suicide. my greatest passion is and has always been cats. i love my catto and whenever i feel down he's there. he doesn't ask questions and i'm pretty sure he appreciates me, regardless of how idle my life is. recently i've started wanting to raise a female cat, and not neuter it, and eventually helping her raise her own kittens. this isn't happening anytime soon, i think, so details regarding that are vague. but i really want it. i've also been fantasizing a lot about the LDR i'm in. even though we live very far away from each other, i know for a fact we'll meet someday. i don't know what will happen after that, but i know i have to be patient and i will be. all i want is for her to be happy. i've also started reading much more again. i'm not sure if i actually enjoy reading, but it does distract me, and it's healthier than playing videogames all day. i got really into the Warriors novels, and i'm reading other books simultaneously.
except for these things, i'm completely blank.
what i wanted to get to is, i still think of taking my own life. just today i went to what i decided my suicide spot would be (a very unfrequented and hard to access spot of the beach), but got interrupted by someone else getting there, so i left. i've never seen someone there before, so it weirded me out. i cry a lot, sometimes from thinking, sometimes from reading, sometimes it just happens. i often read the suicide note i wrote, but i'm unsure on how to describe the feeling it gives me.
i don't want to be in this place anymore, but not everything is so bad. i may think about ending it often, but i also think about these things dearly. i guess i'll keep going forward, for now.
