Help Does pushing people away ACTUALLY make them hurt less?

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I don't want people to feel bad about my suicide. Does pushing them away or making them angry or cutting contact actually help with that?

 

[hdead]

I pushed out so many people. For some reason, after some of them found out I was suicidal, a few contacted me to advise against it and some of them even cried. I didn't understand any of it. However, in this context I would have to answer 'either'. Some people will throw you away with the bathwater no problems, others will turn back around and care deeply - if it is real or not, or about you or them, I couldn't say.

 

[unluckysadness]

I cut off contact with several people since months because of my plans. I don't know if it's a good thing but I want to preserve them the best possible. But I'm more isolated than ever.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I pushed out so many people. For some reason, after some of them found out I was suicidal, a few contacted me to advise against it and some of them even cried. I didn't understand any of it. However, in this context I would have to answer 'either'. Some people will throw you away with the bathwater no problems, others will turn back around and care deeply - if it is real or not, or about you or them, I couldn't say.

I've just got two good friends who know and were trying to help me but have since, understandably, given up. I truly don't know why they bothered caring in the first place but I was thinking of cutting contact a while before I do it.

I cut off contact with several people since months because of my plans. I don't know if it's a good thing but I want to preserve them the best possible. But I'm more isolated than ever.

I'm sorry, mate. I know it hurts not having anyone around. I'd be doing it once I know the date of my ctb though.

 

[cyanidekitty]

i
think theres a chance that they'd be able to put 2 & 2 together and be like "ohh. thats why" & especially if those people have cared about you for the longest. at the end of the day, you cant typically prevent nor change how people will feel about you.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

i
think theres a chance that they'd be able to put 2 & 2 together and be like "ohh. thats why" & especially if those people have cared about you for the longest. at the end of the day, you cant typically prevent nor change how people will feel about you.

I guess you're right... I just don't know what to do. Why is this so damn hard? I should be able to just kill myself, you know? I really wish everyone was just offered assisted suicide and there was less taboo around it. Oh, well. We can dream. Thanks for the help.

 

[meowpuppy]

i don't think you have to push them away, you can just slowly phase out contact. basically just accelerate the natural falling out that any relationship has, and then skimp out on the process of retaining it.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

i don't think you have to push them away, you can just slowly phase out contact. basically just accelerate the natural falling out that any relationship has, and then skimp out on the process of retaining it.

That's smart... I just don't know if I'm going to pussy out of ctb again, and then I'll just be left with no one. I hate being alone... Thank you though.

 

[meowpuppy]

That's smart... I just don't know if I'm going to pussy out of ctb again, and then I'll just be left with no one. I hate being alone... Thank you though.

for this, maybe you could try phasing out only some friends, but keeping your closest friends? or phasing out all friends but keeping your family? still better than nothing, and it lets you have some people remaining.

 

[slowlybreaking]

Excuse my tone in advance, this topic gets me super worked up because I was the one who got pushed away. I don't mind deleting my post if I'm disrespecting anyone or if it looks like I don't know what I'm talking about.

I've answered this question in a similar private thread: no, in cases like mine, the pain and guilt is greater. Your passing will hurt others whether you want it or not, and I've come to terms with that - that's why I've decided to act as normal because if I'm suddenly gone, they'll understand that I was hiding it and there was nothing they could do about it. If you push them away, you'll probably leave those who cared about you with a horrible feeling of guilt.

My late boyfriend pushed me away two weeks before his suicide and when I got the news I was devastated to the point I am planning mine as well. I can't stop thinking about the 'what if's about me going no contact: what if I had stayed, what if I insisted, what if I contacted his mom, best friend, turtle... all those questions have been torturing my mind the past month and it's unbearable. I've given up on meds and I'm letting my mind take me away little by little, but with the little reasoning I have left, please don't do this to your loved ones. Specially if you think you're going to chicken out on CTB, you'll have nobody afterwards and your only choice forward would be to try again.

If you do insist on getting away from them, I'd do as meowpuppy said: phase out and keep your closest relationships instead of having no one.

 

[Braindead Girl]

I tried phasing away all my friends but some people will still sorta message no matter what then i feel bad knowing that these people still care and i'm still myself

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

for this, maybe you could try phasing out only some friends, but keeping your closest friends? or phasing out all friends but keeping your family? still better than nothing, and it lets you have some people remaining.

I really just have them two.. one I've known from I think kindergarten and one from 7th grade (25 now) sorry, I'm just bringing up everything that's wrong lol.

Excuse my tone in advance, this topic gets me super worked up because I was the one who got pushed away. I don't mind deleting my post if I'm disrespecting anyone or if it looks like I don't know what I'm talking about.

I've answered this question in a similar private thread: no, in cases like mine, the pain and guilt is greater. Your passing will hurt others whether you want it or not, and I've come to terms with that - that's why I've decided to act as normal because if I'm suddenly gone, they'll understand that I was hiding it and there was nothing they could do about it. If you push them away, you'll probably leave those who cared about you with a horrible feeling of guilt.

My late boyfriend pushed me away two weeks before his suicide and when I got the news I was devastated to the point I am planning mine as well. I can't stop thinking about the 'what if's about me going no contact: what if I had stayed, what if I insisted, what if I contacted his mom, best friend, turtle... all those questions have been torturing my mind the past month and it's unbearable. I've given up on meds and I'm letting my mind take me away little by little, but with the little reasoning I have left, please don't do this to your loved ones. Specially if you think you're going to chicken out on CTB, you'll have nobody afterwards and your only choice forward would be to try again.

If you do insist on getting away from them, I'd do as meowpuppy said: phase out and keep your closest relationships instead of having no one.

I truly am sorry this happened to you, but I'm battling with the question- is talking normally one day and me being dead the next worse, or is forgetting about me for a month and then maybe never finding out that I'm dead worse? It's so hard. I think what meowpuppy said is a good idea though.

I tried phasing away all my friends but some people will still sorta message no matter what then i feel bad knowing that these people still care and i'm still myself

That's what I think mine would do... I remember one of them sending me a worried message when he noticed I'd missed a class lol. They're both amazing people, I don't want to hurt them.

 

[hdead]

Excuse my tone in advance, this topic gets me super worked up because I was the one who got pushed away. I don't mind deleting my post if I'm disrespecting anyone or if it looks like I don't know what I'm talking about.

I've answered this question in a similar private thread: no, in cases like mine, the pain and guilt is greater. Your passing will hurt others whether you want it or not, and I've come to terms with that - that's why I've decided to act as normal because if I'm suddenly gone, they'll understand that I was hiding it and there was nothing they could do about it. If you push them away, you'll probably leave those who cared about you with a horrible feeling of guilt.

My late boyfriend pushed me away two weeks before his suicide and when I got the news I was devastated to the point I am planning mine as well. I can't stop thinking about the 'what if's about me going no contact: what if I had stayed, what if I insisted, what if I contacted his mom, best friend, turtle... all those questions have been torturing my mind the past month and it's unbearable. I've given up on meds and I'm letting my mind take me away little by little, but with the little reasoning I have left, please don't do this to your loved ones. Specially if you think you're going to chicken out on CTB, you'll have nobody afterwards and your only choice forward would be to try again.

If you do insist on getting away from them, I'd do as meowpuppy said: phase out and keep your closest relationships instead of having no one.

To be fair, telling people I have been suicidal is what pushed them away. People have great cliche advices, but no real solutions. Guilt is theirs to carry, if they wish. They have told me many times before I shouldn't feel guilty for what I had done, yet I still do. I'd relay to them the exact same message.

This is in no way to demean your experience. I am deeply sorry to read what happened with your boyfriend and how it has left you. But I cannot get around the fact that every single person around me made me personally responsible for what I felt, how I felt it, regardless of their part in it. I will gladly relay that personal responsiblity when I choose to do what I choose to do for me. And to be honest, I figured creating distance would be the only way to ease the pain and guilt on some of them, somewhat.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

People have great cliche advices, but no real solutions.

I could not possibly have said it better myself.

 

[slowlybreaking]

Is talking normally one day and me being dead the next worse, or is forgetting about me for a month and then maybe never finding out that I'm dead worse? It's so hard.

True, it's definitely a complicated matter. I was going to reiterate my point about "there's nothing they could've done anyway" but that's what he told me in his note that I haven't been able to come to terms with. Of course, this decision in general isn't easy to make, so I'd just say to go with what your heart tells you to do between the options you have in mind. Mine just tells me to go the silent way and let the note speak for itself.

People have great cliche advices, but no real solutions.

Also true. Even when he was alive, I didn't know how to handle my boyfriend's suicidal thoughts back then, hell, I doubt I'd have known by now. I avoided the cliche advices of "everything will be alright" the best I could but I still felt like it wasn't enough, considering he had decided on it before meeting me. In fact, my loved ones have been telling me the same "you're strong", "you'll get through this", "he'd want you to be alright"... yet I am here anyways. Quite ironic, no?

I apologize for my selfishness, I let myself get carried away by my grief when I read the thread. I don't want to make the topic about my experience but I felt I had to give my two cents on it.

 

[hdead]

I apologize for my selfishness, I let myself get carried away by my grief when I read the thread. I don't want to make the topic about my experience but I felt I had to give my two cents on it.

No apology needed. You've gone through something deeply traumatic and it's only rational/logical to respond in the context and perspective of your own experience. I did not take offense at all and it actually shed some light on how I feel about my personal situation and environment.

To bring some clarity; I have talked with my parents exstensively on the subject. While my mother has been deeply supportive (i.e. commenting that if this is really the only way out I see, she'd respect and understand it, however hurt she would be.) my father, on the contrary, has been defensive and has even dared to go as far to take my ideation as a personal threat, relaying back to me (I videotaped it, even, with his consent) "You're too scared to do such a thing, anyway, so you'll never do it". On the other hand he has stated he's experienced sleepless nights because he feared he might find me dead the next morning. Go figure, I don't understand it either.

 

[slowlybreaking]

No apology needed. You've gone through something deeply traumatic and it's only rational/logical to respond in the context and perspective of your own experience. I did not take offense at all and it actually shed some light on how I feel about my personal situation and environment.

To bring some clarity; I have talked with my parents exstensively on the subject. While my mother has been deeply supportive (i.e. commenting that if this is really the only way out I see, she'd respect and understand it, however hurt she would be.) my father, on the contrary, has been defensive and has even dared to go as far to take my ideation as a personal threat, relaying back to me (I videotaped it, even, with his consent) "You're too scared to do such a thing, anyway, so you'll never do it". On the other hand he has stated he's experienced sleepless nights because he feared he might find me dead the next morning. Go figure, I don't understand it either.

Thank you for understanding, and I'm glad that I could give you some insight about your own situation as well.

I do believe your father is acting out of fear and that's why he's provoking you, he's trying to reverse psychology you out of ctb. While it's not the brightest of ideas, I can totally relate.

 

[hdead]

Thank you for understanding, and I'm glad that I could give you some insight about your own situation as well.

I do believe your father is acting out of fear and that's why he's provoking you, he's trying to reverse psychology you out of ctb. While it's not the brightest of ideas, I can totally relate.

Thanks for your insight, as well. If that's his tactic I can assure you (and him) it's having an adverse effect. I am definitly not CTB'ing out of spite. This is my decision and it is deeply personal. However, such comments and making it personal (i.e. him taking offense and telling me he feels some type of way because I'm supposedly threatening him) makes me roll my eyes and want to cut any conversation short, and not talk about the subject whatsoever. Don't tell me you love me if you can't utter the words 'I understand you' or 'I do not understand you, but I respect your perspective'.

It's kind of reverse-reverse psychology, at this point.

 

[slowlybreaking]

Thanks for your insight, as well. If that's his tactic I can assure you (and him) it's having an adverse effect. I am definitly not CTB'ing out of spite. This is my decision and it is deeply personal. However, such comments and making it personal (i.e. him taking offense and telling me he feels some type of way because I'm supposedly threatening him) makes me roll my eyes and want to cut any conversation short, and not talk about the subject whatsoever. Don't tell me you love me if you can't utter the words 'I understand you' or 'I do not understand you, but I respect your perspective'.

It's kind of reverse-reverse psychology, at this point.

I agree, that's why I said it's not the brightest of ideas. Fear and despair makes you do things that not even you can really understand yourself, hence why his actions and words are contradictory, making things worse. I'm pretty sure he does love you -in his own weird way- but can't accept a world you aren't in; that does, unintentionally, feed your frustration about not being understood, sadly. I'm saying this so you don't leave thinking he's doing it on purpose, maybe you could explain it to him how his behavior is making you feel, but I don't guarantee he's going to understand, he might double down at worse.

 

[hdead]

I agree, that's why I said it's not the brightest of ideas. Fear and despair makes you do things that not even you can really understand yourself, hence why his actions and words are contradictory, making things worse. I'm pretty sure he does love you -in his own weird way- but can't accept a world you aren't in; that does, unintentionally, feed your frustration about not being understood, sadly. I'm saying this so you don't leave thinking he's doing it on purpose, maybe you could explain it to him how his behavior is making you feel, but I don't guarantee he's going to understand, he might double down at worse.

I've tried so hard to explain to him what his words do to me, it hasn't worked. I'll leave him a note, at best. I can't be arsed to try and convince anybody anymore. I'm beyond exhausted.

 

[slowlybreaking]

I've tried so hard to explain to him what his words do to me, it hasn't worked. I'll leave him a note, at best. I can't be arsed to try and convince anybody anymore. I'm beyond exhausted.

I'm sorry to hear that. Lots of hugs to you.

 

[atomoxetine]

im speaking as someone who lost way too many people to suicide, but without an anti-choice angle (I'm here too, after all)

Ctb will hurt those who love you, period. Nothing will change that, no matter how you frame your last encounter. I'm being direct here, it's not something you can change.
If you wanna go the stoic way, then forget about it. There's nothing you can do beyond the grave, you've made your choice and that's ok, i don't like suicide being painted as an inherently corrupt, selfish action. It's neutral, and concerns you and you alone. If you accept that, then focus on your final decision, allow yourself that peace, a moment just for you and no one else in The world .

But im not stoic. It's true no matter what you do, you can't nullify their grieving, but that doesn't mean your hands are completely tied.
I talked about this in another thread a while ago, but if there's one thing I would kill to have, is more time with who I lost. I know it might sound contradictory, even mean, but it's true!
Cherish the people who care for you. Give them a pleasant last memory, because they'll always crave more, but at least you left in good terms.

Pushing them away is what does the most harm imo.
It shows you were conflicted, confused, hurt. The worst thought they could have is "This could've been avoided". A sudden change of behavior just tells them you made a rash decision alone. They'll keep wondering what-if, what they could've done, how they failed you. It leaves people more confused and lost, and living without you marginally harder

So leave a good, final impression. Show yourself at peace, as someone who found their solution, and with no conflict. This way does hurt you more, and you can't even avoid their pain, but you're staying as a good memory in their hearts, instead of a regret

With that being said, if you're not genuinely at peace and without conflict over this decision, then it's not your time. Maybe it'll come eventually, maybe not, but this needs to be rational for you. You need to be at ease to defend this position, and to smile with your loved ones knowing you won't see them again

 

[hdead]

Pushing them away is what does the most harm imo.
It shows you were conflicted, confused, hurt. The worst thought they could have is "This could've been avoided". A sudden change of behavior just tells them you made a rash decision alone. They'll keep wondering what-if, what they could've done, how they failed you. It leaves people more confused and lost, and living without you marginally harder

Before I respond I want to say I have read your entire post and have taken it to heart.

To this I say; let them. In my case, everybody but ONE person did or said nothing. They never spoke up, they never reached out, they never tried to actually understand or offer help. That one person, I've talked to extensively and they actually recommended a SARCO to me. There's that.

While I get your point, and taking into account that this matter is different for every person that goes through it, I do want to say that everybody's guilt is their own to carry. If they are left with what-ifs, what they could have done and how they failed - then would it be completely outrageous to say that maybe it's fair for them to be left with those thoughts? I have been tormented by these thoughts in my living state concerning people that, at face value, didn't seem to care one bit about turmoil or conflicts. To people left behind with those thoughts I say; have them, work through them and find solace on your own - just like I had to.

To end this; I'm not even sure what the frick love is. So consider this coming from a confused person, maybe I am missing the mark completely. I'm not CTBing because I understand how society works. Quite the opposite, actually.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

im speaking as someone who lost way too many people to suicide, but without an anti-choice angle (I'm here too, after all)

Ctb will hurt those who love you, period. Nothing will change that, no matter how you frame your last encounter. I'm being direct here, it's not something you can change.
If you wanna go the stoic way, then forget about it. There's nothing you can do beyond the grave, you've made your choice and that's ok, i don't like suicide being painted as an inherently corrupt, selfish action. It's neutral, and concerns you and you alone. If you accept that, then focus on your final decision, allow yourself that peace, a moment just for you and no one else in The world .

But im not stoic. It's true no matter what you do, you can't nullify their grieving, but that doesn't mean your hands are completely tied.
I talked about this in another thread a while ago, but if there's one thing I would kill to have, is more time with who I lost. I know it might sound contradictory, even mean, but it's true!
Cherish the people who care for you. Give them a pleasant last memory, because they'll always crave more, but at least you left in good terms.

Pushing them away is what does the most harm imo.
It shows you were conflicted, confused, hurt. The worst thought they could have is "This could've been avoided". A sudden change of behavior just tells them you made a rash decision alone. They'll keep wondering what-if, what they could've done, how they failed you. It leaves people more confused and lost, and living without you marginally harder

So leave a good, final impression. Show yourself at peace, as someone who found their solution, and with no conflict. This way does hurt you more, and you can't even avoid their pain, but you're staying as a good memory in their hearts, instead of a regret

With that being said, if you're not genuinely at peace and without conflict over this decision, then it's not your time. Maybe it'll come eventually, maybe not, but this needs to be rational for you. You need to be at ease to defend this position, and to smile with your loved ones knowing you won't see them again

Thank you, that's incredibly helpful and an interesting perspective. I don't want them to be hurt, but it's my choice, too...

 

[atomoxetine]

While I get your point, and taking into account that this matter is different for every person that goes through it, I do want to say that everybody's guilt is their own to carry. If they are left with what-ifs, what they could have done and how they failed - then would it be completely outrageous to say that maybe it's fair for them to be left with those thoughts? I have been tormented by these thoughts in my living state concerning people that, at face value, didn't seem to care one bit about turmoil or conflicts. To people left behind with those thoughts I say; have them, work through them and find solace on your own - just like I had to.

That is very fair, and I understand. You said it all, it varies from person to person.
I spoke from my perspective, in which I'm lucky to have a loving family that would do anything in their power to help me. My problem is beyond that, though. I relate to wanting to ctb precisely because I don't understand how society works, how I fit in. Considering my mental conditions, living isn't worth it.
But I love them and I know for a fact they love me, and that they never failed me. But catching the bus doesn't mean I failed them either.

I am so sorry to hear about your confusion, and that you were clearly failed by others. I don't want to sound patronizing but I do wish you peace regardless, and I hope spite and resentment aren't behind your decision (though I see why they would be, and there's not much to do about it anyways).

People who don't get suicide throw the word 'selfish' very easily, but with a negative connotation. We know it can't be reduced to that. You hold the right to decide this yourself, and not look back. Again, a neutral decision.

 

[hdead]

That is very fair, and I understand. You said it all, it varies from person to person.
I spoke from my perspective, in which I'm lucky to have a loving family that would do anything in their power to help me. My problem is beyond that, though. I relate to wanting to ctb precisely because I don't understand how society works, how I fit in. Considering my mental conditions, living isn't worth it.
But I love them and I know for a fact they love me, and that they never failed me. But catching the bus doesn't mean I failed them either.

I am so sorry to hear about your confusion, and that you were clearly failed by others. I don't want to sound patronizing but I do wish you peace regardless, and I hope spite and resentment aren't behind your decision (though I see why they would be, and there's not much to do about it anyways).

People who don't get suicide throw the word 'selfish' very easily, but with a negative connotation. We know it can't be reduced to that. You hold the right to decide this yourself, and not look back. Again, a neutral decision.

Thank you very much for your considerate words. Rest assured, no spite involved. This is deeply personal and motivated soley by wanting rest. I've struggled as long as I can remember. Scared, anxious, masking, trying to fit - like yourself.

To make it extra clear; I wish no guilt nor confusion upon anybody left behind, yet should it be the case it wouldn't keep me around to keep them from feeling what they would feel.

I wish you peace, too, kind stranger.

 

[KatalinaKrimson]

Not unless you do it for so many years that they legit don't feel close to you at all. Pushing them away for a few months probably won't spare them any pain, and they'll probably be able to see through it pretty easily.