Does everyone hate me/why am I so unlikeable?

[LSDXMT]

Why does everyone, even my so called friends, distance themselves from me? I had this friend group and I do not think I was ever able to play a single game with them, meanwhile they play all sorts of games together nearly every day. It's not like I never tried, I joined their discord calls sometimes and they just ignore me. I just think I am an extremely unlikeable person. Slowly they talked to me less and less, and any conversation I try to make is almost always ignored or put to the side, although maybe this is my fault because I am such an unlikeable person with obscure interests. Even the one friend I had who I could always talk with and connect with has also stopped talking to me, although funny enough he was also someone I never met in person, but I guess I am still thankful for the time with him. Now I just have so many problems, I feel weak and lonely, so I abuse amphetamine to feel stronger and motivated and get out of bed whenever I am not out of it, since I run out early always and don't have it for 2-3 weeks a month. Taking it always ends up backfiring because I do not have any self-control and redose it excessively and I currently haven't slept since like I don't even know tbh. This is why I am a terrible person. I am too incompetent at engaging in social interaction, and even if I do no one wants to talk to me because I share no interests with most people, and slowly my motivation for daily life is crumbling to the point I don't care about living without being on some drug. But I still can't help but feel it's all my fault, since instead of trying to improve I just keep taking drugs and if i'm not high, i'm asleep because there is no reason for me to be conscious while "sober," but to me it feels more like torture since I simply can't feel normal, even when I stop taking drugs for a while. How do they (my friend group who hasnt talked with me for a while) expect me to stop taking drugs if they have always ignored me and blamed me, like for example a long while back when I was still in high school and online classes were an option, I had terrible social anxiety so I literally didn't leave my house for 1 and a half years and I also stopped using all social media (but still checked dms occasionally and surprise, zero messages from them), this was also a time when we were younger, and now that we are in post-secondary they don't do this anymore, but it pisses me off that I am "ditching them" when they used to treat me like shit and one time they took my phone from me after school and would get physical if I tried to take it back because I am skinny and weak. I was always the number one target of being picked on in that friend group, and even now they sometimes make fun of my personality. I don't think I ever got a true compliment from them, and it's not like I was an asshole or something since they would hurt me if I was, but they sure have taught me from this experience how I can be an annoying shithole since they were my only source of social development (If that even counts). They aren't violent like before though, and well this is much longer then I intended, but honestly if I had the option to go back to that anxiety filled and almost hikikomori lifestyle, surprise, I wouldn't hesitate. I would trade this disgusting feeling of constant apathy for anxiety anytime, because at least there were things I wanted to do and enjoyed, now I just don't want to live unless my retarded brain is readjusted, and antidepressants just make the apathy worse, so all that works is recreational drugs, particularly amphetamine based stimulants. Anyways sorry I went on a rant, also I am sorry if I make any spelling errors or grammar mistakes, or if certain sentences don't make sense, if anyone reads them, mainly because my brain is in a scramble and I have two options, unscramble it for a couple hours or what am I even saying. This is exactly why no one likes me, also I am clearly autistic but somehow never diagnosed. Also something else stupid about me, I am obsessive and I clearly wrote too much, but I don't care anymore TBH. I do not blame anyone for not reading all the stupidity I just wrote but I can't let this go.

 

[gulp]

i actually feel the same, and something kind of similar happens to me. i've only had one friend group, the one i did when i was in kindergarden, cuz only then i was abld to talk to ppl, and they started acting EXACTLY the way ur group have.
but the drugs stuff, cuz i don't take any, lol.
i dunno if it helps, but know that ur not the only marginated one with reason on the world

 

[LSDXMT]

i actually feel the same, and something kind of similar happens to me. i've only had one friend group, the one i did when i was in kindergarden, cuz only then i was abld to talk to ppl, and they started acting EXACTLY the way ur group have.
but the drugs stuff, cuz i don't take any, lol.
i dunno if it helps, but know that ur not the only marginated one with reason on the world

Yeah most people can't relate to the drug aspect, but I got unlucky and became obsessed with pharmacology which led to me loving not only therapeutic drugs but also recreational drugs. I get excited when I take any medicine, and recreational drugs are of course no exception. But now I have lost interest, but it's too late now for me.

 

[edu0z]

Yeah most people can't relate to the drug aspect, but I got unlucky and became obsessed with pharmacology which led to me loving not only therapeutic drugs but also recreational drugs. I get excited when I take any medicine, and recreational drugs are of course no exception. But now I have lost interest, but it's too late now for me.

its not too late... please try

 

[LSDXMT]

perhaps, I just don't know.

 

[dialogos]

Why does everyone, even my so called friends, distance themselves from me? I had this friend group and I do not think I was ever able to play a single game with them, meanwhile they play all sorts of games together nearly every day. It's not like I never tried, I joined their discord calls sometimes and they just ignore me. I just think I am an extremely unlikeable person. Slowly they talked to me less and less, and any conversation I try to make is almost always ignored or put to the side, although maybe this is my fault because I am such an unlikeable person with obscure interests. Even the one friend I had who I could always talk with and connect with has also stopped talking to me, although funny enough he was also someone I never met in person, but I guess I am still thankful for the time with him. Now I just have so many problems, I feel weak and lonely, so I abuse amphetamine to feel stronger and motivated and get out of bed whenever I am not out of it, since I run out early always and don't have it for 2-3 weeks a month. Taking it always ends up backfiring because I do not have any self-control and redose it excessively and I currently haven't slept since like I don't even know tbh. This is why I am a terrible person. I am too incompetent at engaging in social interaction, and even if I do no one wants to talk to me because I share no interests with most people, and slowly my motivation for daily life is crumbling to the point I don't care about living without being on some drug. But I still can't help but feel it's all my fault, since instead of trying to improve I just keep taking drugs and if i'm not high, i'm asleep because there is no reason for me to be conscious while "sober," but to me it feels more like torture since I simply can't feel normal, even when I stop taking drugs for a while. How do they (my friend group who hasnt talked with me for a while) expect me to stop taking drugs if they have always ignored me and blamed me, like for example a long while back when I was still in high school and online classes were an option, I had terrible social anxiety so I literally didn't leave my house for 1 and a half years and I also stopped using all social media (but still checked dms occasionally and surprise, zero messages from them), this was also a time when we were younger, and now that we are in post-secondary they don't do this anymore, but it pisses me off that I am "ditching them" when they used to treat me like shit and one time they took my phone from me after school and would get physical if I tried to take it back because I am skinny and weak. I was always the number one target of being picked on in that friend group, and even now they sometimes make fun of my personality. I don't think I ever got a true compliment from them, and it's not like I was an asshole or something since they would hurt me if I was, but they sure have taught me from this experience how I can be an annoying shithole since they were my only source of social development (If that even counts). They aren't violent like before though, and well this is much longer then I intended, but honestly if I had the option to go back to that anxiety filled and almost hikikomori lifestyle, surprise, I wouldn't hesitate. I would trade this disgusting feeling of constant apathy for anxiety anytime, because at least there were things I wanted to do and enjoyed, now I just don't want to live unless my retarded brain is readjusted, and antidepressants just make the apathy worse, so all that works is recreational drugs, particularly amphetamine based stimulants. Anyways sorry I went on a rant, also I am sorry if I make any spelling errors or grammar mistakes, or if certain sentences don't make sense, if anyone reads them, mainly because my brain is in a scramble and I have two options, unscramble it for a couple hours or what am I even saying. This is exactly why no one likes me, also I am clearly autistic but somehow never diagnosed. Also something else stupid about me, I am obsessive and I clearly wrote too much, but I don't care anymore TBH. I do not blame anyone for not reading all the stupidity I just wrote but I can't let this go.

You know about "crashing" right? You also know how the amphetamine family of drugs effectively replaces/imitates parts of our natural brain chemistry which is why it's so addictive and causes withdrawal symptoms because the brain has to stabilize itself? Crashing is hard and its why method users keep trying to stay high but the body gives up after so much stress. Rest isn't really deep or satisfying. Before you deal with your other problems, you should deal with the drug use first. Get rid of that and you can focus better. For example, you seem to use the internet seeking friends. No matter how niche your interests are,there so many people and subjects on the net, for sure you will meet people interested in the same subjects. Example is this suicide forum. Very very niche yet here it is. Drugs make things worse over time. I went thru a short phase and I'm glad I got out. Hope you can too

 

[LSDXMT]

You know about "crashing" right? You also know how the amphetamine family of drugs effectively replaces/imitates parts of our natural brain chemistry which is why it's so addictive and causes withdrawal symptoms because the brain has to stabilize itself? Crashing is hard and it's why method users keep trying to stay high but the body gives up after so much stress. Rest isn't really deep or satisfying. Before you deal with your other problems, you should deal with the drug use first. Get rid of that and you can focus better. For example, you seem to use the internet seeking friends. No matter how niche your interests are,there so many people and subjects on the net, for sure you will meet people interested in the same subjects. Example is this suicide forum. Very very niche yet here it is. Drugs make things worse over time. I went thru a short phase and I'm glad I got out. Hope you can too

Thank you for your response, I truly appreciate it, but part of the reason why it's so addictive to me is because i've always been fond of the pharmacology of drugs, and amphetamine binding TAAR1 as a full agonist which results in monoamine transporter phosphorylation by protein kinase A and B signaling causing either monoamine transporter internalization or reverse transport, while also collapsing the pH gradient in VMAT-2 resulting in the release of monoamines into the cell cytosol which consequently get reverse transported out into the synaptic cleft via their respective monoamine transporter, where amphetamine is selective for dopaminergic and noradrenergic presynaptic neurons, and the increase in dopamine within the mesocorticolimbic pathway is responsible for the incentive salience promoting effects of amphetamine, along with its euphoric effects and partly due to its locomotor stimulating effects, in addition with increased norepinephrine transmission in the locus coerules. Chronic high dose and binge use of amphetamine results in sensitization of the medium spiny neurons of the mesolimbic pathway connecting the ventral tegmental area to the nucleus accumbens, and this sensitization is associated with increased incentive salience assigned towards taking amphetamine, which is further reinforced by gradual overexpression of delta fosB in the nucleus accumbens which causes further sensitization and decreased aversion to amphetamine use. This induces an addictive state which becomes associated with certain non-drug cues.

Why did i type all this, because I for some reason enjoy thinking about the pharmacodynamics of drugs which is one of the cues that makes me want amphetamine, along with math being another cue and sexual arousal being another cue for amphetamine use in my brain at least, and also any task which requires effort on my part, also as you may be able to tell, I am quite energetic currently. I know i'll regret writing this later because it seems crazy and i'll probably delete it because it's just creepy, I know, but right now I am just happy with this, even though I know what awaits me. That's why I think i'm a terrible person. Also for some context, I started using amphetamine only AFTER I already started having problems with motivation and excessive feelings of apathy, in fact the only reason I am able to attend university is because of amphetamine, and this is where it becomes so hard for me to cut down. It's bad for me physically, but I know if I don't take it, I am literally an idiot who can't even get out of bed, and I absolutely hate feeling like that. Sorry for this crackhead response, but I really appreciate your advice.

 

[dialogos]

Thank you for your response, I truly appreciate it, but part of the reason why it's so addictive to me is because i've always been fond of the pharmacology of drugs, and amphetamine binding TAAR1 as a full agonist which results in monoamine transporter phosphorylation by protein kinase A and B signaling causing either monoamine transporter internalization or reverse transport, while also collapsing the pH gradient in VMAT-2 resulting in the release of monoamines into the cell cytosol which consequently get reverse transported out into the synaptic cleft via their respective monoamine transporter, where amphetamine is selective for dopaminergic and noradrenergic presynaptic neurons, and the increase in dopamine within the mesocorticolimbic pathway is responsible for the incentive salience promoting effects of amphetamine, along with its euphoric effects and partly due to its locomotor stimulating effects, in addition with increased norepinephrine transmission in the locus coerules. Chronic high dose and binge use of amphetamine results in sensitization of the medium spiny neurons of the mesolimbic pathway connecting the ventral tegmental area to the nucleus accumbens, and this sensitization is associated with increased incentive salience assigned towards taking amphetamine, which is further reinforced by gradual overexpression of delta fosB in the nucleus accumbens which causes further sensitization and decreased aversion to amphetamine use. This induces an addictive state which becomes associated with certain non-drug cues.

Why did i type all this, because I for some reason enjoy thinking about the pharmacodynamics of drugs which is one of the cues that makes me want amphetamine, along with math being another cue and sexual arousal being another cue for amphetamine use in my brain at least, and also any task which requires effort on my part, also as you may be able to tell, I am quite energetic currently. I know i'll regret writing this later because it seems crazy and i'll probably delete it because it's just creepy, I know, but right now I am just happy with this, even though I know what awaits me. That's why I think i'm a terrible person. Also for some context, I started using amphetamine only AFTER I already started having problems with motivation and excessive feelings of apathy, in fact the only reason I am able to attend university is because of amphetamine, and this is where it becomes so hard for me to cut down. It's bad for me physically, but I know if I don't take it, I am literally an idiot who can't even get out of bed, and I absolutely hate feeling like that. Sorry for this crackhead response, but I really appreciate your advice.

If you take quetiapine to deal with all of that you typed and stop taking meth, you'll get better, no more crashing. You got thru your studies because you can. Not by drugs. The feelings you have, after method has left your system, is because your brain became dependent on meth. It alters your neurochemistry so you'll need quetiapine to help be normal again. But you have to want to get off meth. Then you can prescribe what your body needs to be weaned off meth

 

[LSDXMT]

If you take quetiapine to deal with all of that you typed and stop taking meth, you'll get better, no more crashing. You got thru your studies because you can. Not by drugs. The feelings you have, after method has left your system, is because your brain became dependent on meth. It alters your neurochemistry so you'll need quetiapine to help be normal again. But you have to want to get off meth. Then you can prescribe what your body needs to be weaned off meth

Sorry but maybe I didn't mention that its not street amphetamines/meth, but I have a script for dextroamphetamine but I always end up binging it so it runs out like 2-3 weeks before my next refill and the refills are every 30 days, the biggest problem is mainly my compulsive redosing which leads to me staying up for nights on end.

Thank you for pointing out Quetiapine, but for me I do not think it is optimal since I mainly struggle with severe apathy and lack of motivation such that I sleep excessively and i'm afraid adding Quetiapine to this mix will only exacerbate the lack of motivation and apathy, at least that is what I have read when looking at antipsychotics in general and their effects on emotions. I had a similar experience with SSRIs, and it made me feel the worst ever, so i'd like to avoid that at all costs because that is what got me to seek out amphetamine in the first place. Ive looked into weaker stimulants like modafinil but I don't think they will provide the relief of apathy on the same level that amphetamine provides, yet considering this it's not like I can keep abusing amphetamine. Honestly, i'm not sure anymore, I have come down quite bad now and probably gonna sleep very soon, but I have to want to get off of it as you said, and tbh I do not want to ever stop taking it. Also, I was failing/doing poorly in my studies before I started using amphetamine, and I just can't deny it's impact in making me do much better academically, at least for now, but I know it's not very sustainable. I don't know though, I'm just so sleepy right now, but thank you for the reply. At the least, I was able to stop myself from going another full day.

 

[dialogos]

So

Sorry but maybe I didn't mention that its not street amphetamines/meth, but I have a script for dextroamphetamine but I always end up binging it so it runs out like 2-3 weeks before my next refill and the refills are every 30 days, the biggest problem is mainly my compulsive redosing which leads to me staying up for nights on end.

Thank you for pointing out Quetiapine, but for me I do not think it is optimal since I mainly struggle with severe apathy and lack of motivation such that I sleep excessively and i'm afraid adding Quetiapine to this mix will only exacerbate the lack of motivation and apathy, at least that is what I have read when looking at antipsychotics in general and their effects on emotions. I had a similar experience with SSRIs, and it made me feel the worst ever, so i'd like to avoid that at all costs because that is what got me to seek out amphetamine in the first place. Ive looked into weaker stimulants like modafinil but I don't think they will provide the relief of apathy on the same level that amphetamine provides, yet considering this it's not like I can keep abusing amphetamine. Honestly, i'm not sure anymore, I have come down quite bad now and probably gonna sleep very soon, but I have to want to get off of it as you said, and tbh I do not want to ever stop taking it. Also, I was failing/doing poorly in my studies before I started using amphetamine, and I just can't deny it's impact in making me do much better academically, at least for now, but I know it's not very sustainable. I don't know though, I'm just so sleepy right now, but thank you for the reply. At the least, I was able to stop myself from going another full day.

Sorry, in my country, meth is a street term for both method and amphetamine regardless if its injected, smoked etc. Look quetiapine does make you sleep better but the primary effect is Quetiapine is believed to work by blocking a number of receptors including serotonin and dopamine. This is used by rehab centers in my country for addicts and alcoholics to help with withdrawals, induced psychosis, hallucinations etc its very mild if you only take 10 to 25mgs a day.

 

[LSDXMT]

So

Sorry, in my country, meth is a street term for both method and amphetamine regardless if its injected, smoked etc. Look quetiapine does make you sleep better but the primary effect is Quetiapine is believed to work by blocking a number of receptors including serotonin and dopamine. This is used by rehab centers in my country for addicts and alcoholics to help with withdrawals, induced psychosis, hallucinations etc its very mild if you only take 10 to 25mgs a day.

thank you for the suggestion, i'll keep it in mind, but I doubt I will ever want to stop. Well sometimes I do, but it's weird. I just really wish I could take it normally without abusing it but i was dumb and abused it and now it's so difficult to avoid redosing, actually I always fail to stop myself from redosing. Anyways thanks for the reply.