Discussion Does anyone lowkey want someone to stop them from CTBing?

[whenwillthepainstop]

It appears the mindset of a lot of people here(besides the recovery section) is that nobody should stop them from committing suicide because it's their own choice, which is something I understand however PERSONALLY, deep down I want someone to stop me before it's too late. Is that weird? Am I an attention seeker? I do want to die but like I said this small part of me wants somebody to notice my pain and hug me and save me from killing myself. Maybe it's survival instinct? Not sure. Anyways I hope I'm not the only one.

 

[EternalShore]

I think many of us want the loneliness to end and for someone to truly care for us~ :( as long as the person wasn't related to me and truly cared for me rather than doing it because they're a mandated reporter or to just save a life, I'd certainly desire it too~ :) altho, it'd be a really memorable yet weird beginning to an irl friendship ngl! xD however, I doubt this would be true for those for which loneliness isn't a big reason for desiring sewer slide~

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

I think many of us want the loneliness to end and for someone to truly care for us~ :( as long as the person wasn't related to me and truly cared for me rather than doing it because they're a mandated reporter or to just save a life, I'd certainly desire it too~ :) altho, it'd be a really memorable yet weird beginning to an irl friendship ngl! xD however, I doubt this would be true for those for which loneliness is a big reason for desiring sewer slide~

Unrelated but how'd you get the cool pink text?

 

[FoxSauce]

Agreed with Shore.

I guess it depends really

 

[EternalShore]

Unrelated but how'd you get the cool pink text?

BB codes! ^_^ The color thing is a hex value, so you need to determine that for whichever color you wish for your text to be like! :) Here is a full guide! :)

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I could be wrong but it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and want it to stop, but also that a part of you genuinely wants help and don't know how to get it. It's not weird at all, and you're not asking for a lot of attention either. You seem conflicted about CTB, so please think carefully about it. If you have friends or family in your life that you trust to not send you to a psych ward, consider reaching out. CTB is a valid choice but it shouldn't be the default to those who have hopes of getting better. Regardless of what you decide, I hope you remember this community is here for exactly people like you and you will have support from us

 

[orbit]

I sort of want that too in a sense.

I think it's more of a desire to feel wanted, to feel like your life is actually valued. To be held afterwards and be told that you matter to someone and that you're worth something. A way for someone to actually see your suffering materialse into something that they can actually see, kind of like why people tend to self harm on visible parts on the body. If someone has stopped them mid attempt that means they've seen the pain they've kept inside if that makes sense.

I suppose it is attention seeking in a way, but attention seeking doesn't make anyone a terrible person. Humans are social creatures that crave love and validation, though in my experience at least people don't really react in a very pleasant way when they 'save' you from an attempt.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

I could be wrong but it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and want it to stop, but also that a part of you genuinely wants help and don't know how to get it. It's not weird at all, and you're not asking for a lot of attention either. You seem conflicted about CTB, so please think carefully about it. If you have friends or family in your life that you trust to not send you to a psych ward, consider reaching out. CTB is a valid choice but it shouldn't be the default to those who have hopes of getting better. Regardless of what you decide, I hope you remember this community is here for exactly people like you and you will have support from us

Aww thank you, I don't want to talk to friends or family about this but you did make me realize I do want help deep deep down but on the surface I just want to kill myself like always. It's nice to be here with you guys. It's just hard to tell the difference between truly not wanting to die and wanting to die but just being unable to push past survival instinct. Do you know the difference? Also you're right that I am in a lot of unbearable pain.

I sort of want that too in a sense.

I think it's more of a desire to feel wanted, to feel like your life is actually valued. To be held afterwards and be told that you matter to someone and that you're worth something. A way for someone to actually see your suffering materialse into something that they can actually see, kind of like why people tend to self harm on visible parts on the body. If someone has stopped them mid attempt that means they've seen the pain they've kept inside if that makes sense.

I suppose it is attention seeking in a way, but attention seeking doesn't make anyone a terrible person. Humans are social creatures that crave love and validation, though in my experience at least people don't really react in a very pleasant way when they 'save' you from an attempt.

I agree, and yeah the idea of being saved in the moment is much better in imagination than reality. In reality people freak out, but I want someone(not family though, because they would never understand this stuff)to catch me about to kill myself and just hug me and tell me I can cry in their arms and that it's okay and they're not mad, that they're sorry I was in so much pain I felt the need to do this and that they'd do anything to make it better.

 

[skraplott]

I sort of want that too in a sense.

I think it's more of a desire to feel wanted, to feel like your life is actually valued. To be held afterwards and be told that you matter to someone and that you're worth something. A way for someone to actually see your suffering materialse into something that they can actually see, kind of like why people tend to self harm on visible parts on the body. If someone has stopped them mid attempt that means they've seen the pain they've kept inside if that makes sense.

I suppose it is attention seeking in a way, but attention seeking doesn't make anyone a terrible person. Humans are social creatures that crave love and validation, though in my experience at least people don't really react in a very pleasant way when they 'save' you from an attempt.

that's almost exactly how i feel. i've technically been trying to recover on my own since i was 19, but i still find myself wanting the attention that comes with an attempt and it makes me feel so fake. i have good days, and then suddenly the bad days hit and all i can think about is how nice it would be to finally ctb, and that just feels.. like i'm only suicidal for attention? atleast 13 year old me would've thought so, she was hardcore in her planning lmao.

 

[Manfrotto99]

Just someone reaching out and showing they cared would make a difference to me, it would at least help me to hang in a bit a longer - but there are not such people....which only confirms to me that it's what must be done

 

[PI3.14]

Not really in my case. In fact, I'm keeping my mouth shut these past weeks, I don't even make the slightest hint that I'm gonna CTB cus I don't want to be prevented.

Now, this is different from wishing that there was someone who loved u, understood your pain...etc. Although I wish I experienced love and I wish I had such a special person, my problems are way beyond the issue of not having this special person in my life.

My guess is that even if I had such a person in my life, probably a partner, it will probably only delay my CTB, I can't be sure though. It will be nice to see that, but I don't wish to involve someone else in my chaotic life. Plus, if I had such a person and I still chose to CTB then I would have traumatized them for life.

 

[cowboypants]

At the least, I wish I had some money I can delay for a bit. I might be able to get stable enough if i was sorted for life

 

[BadChanges]

No

 

[Forever Sleep]

Maybe when I was younger and more open to recovery- yes. It's not easy to climb out the hole we find ourselves in on our own. I think it's understandable we would hope someone would care enough to help us.

That can bring with it other problems though. Will we ever be able to stand on our own feet fully without then relying on them? I found that when people did give me help, I just wanted more and more. And, few people have the time or strength to cope with that. Then, I worried I would become a burden.

Plus, there has to be an overall reason I think- for us wanting to live. That's pretty much gone for me so- what would they or I be keeping me alive for?

So now, no. I don't want anyone trying to stop me. Or even to give me advice to be honest- which I would have been open to before. I am 45 though- I've experienced a reasonable amount of what life has on offer. It's not really for me! Not for what it costs anyway.

 

[popcorn1234]

It appears the mindset of a lot of people here(besides the recovery section) is that nobody should stop them from committing suicide because it's their own choice, which is something I understand however PERSONALLY, deep down I want someone to stop me before it's too late. Is that weird? Am I an attention seeker? I do want to die but like I said this small part of me wants somebody to notice my pain and hug me and save me from killing myself. Maybe it's survival instinct? Not sure. Anyways I hope I'm not the only one.

Yeah, I feel the same way. Maybe it's survival instinct or hope, I am not sure.

 

[PI3.14]

That can bring with it other problems though. Will we ever be able to stand on our own feet fully without then relying on them? I found that when people did give me help, I just wanted more and more. And, few people have the time or strength to cope with that. Then, I worried I would become a burden.

Totally agree with this part. Although we are social animals and we do need others in our life, there need to be a minimum level of independence that one must achieve to not burden others.

Life isn't a fairytale, those who love us will eventually get worn down. In fact, I've came across few posts on Reddit where a brother is "tried" if his suicidal sibling and another of a dad who also can no longer stand his chaotic son.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Totally agree with this part. Although we are social animals and we do need others in our life, there need to be a minimum level of independence that one must achieve to not burden others.

Life isn't a fairytale, those who love us will eventually get worn down. In fact, I've came across few posts on Reddit where a brother is "tried" if his suicidal sibling and another of a dad who also can no longer stand his chaotic son.

It's sad but true really. I hide one hell of a lot from my Dad but he even warned me that people will be sympathetic listening to problems up to a point. Then, they'll grow tired of it. He insisted that didn't mean him as well but it obviously did.

We're only human ultimately. Plus, if we have empathy, it can really affect us. I once reached a point with a friend where I didn't feel like I could cope with their frequent venting. It would then work me up for hours afterwards.

So, that's another problem really- how do you care deeply about someone but not let their pain get to you?

 

[Lyn]

It appears the mindset of a lot of people here(besides the recovery section) is that nobody should stop them from committing suicide because it's their own choice, which is something I understand however PERSONALLY, deep down I want someone to stop me before it's too late. Is that weird? Am I an attention seeker? I do want to die but like I said this small part of me wants somebody to notice my pain and hug me and save me from killing myself. Maybe it's survival instinct? Not sure. Anyways I hope I'm not the only one.

I relate to this more than I wish I did.
I hate existence in a way that's hard to put into words. Like just being is exhausting.
My head is a constant storm, and no matter what I do, I can't quiet it.
I've got my own mess of mental issues that make even the simplest parts of life feel like climbing a mountain. But... I still can manage it for a while.

The only reason I'm still here is because there's someone who needs me.
If it weren't for them, I'd definitely have been gone a while ago with no thoughts of asking for help or something.

The thing is, I'm drowning financially now and it's not even something I can fully fix, too much is out of my control at this point.
That kind of helplessness eats you.
So yeah… in my fantasies I want someone to stop me if I do get to the edge and solve my problems. But I understand that it's unrealistic and silly to have someone who will solve my problems in my case.

Your case might be different.
I don't think that's attention-seeking. I think it's that deep, stubborn part of us that still clings to life, has hopes.

In my opinion you should carefully consider your desire to ctb, I mean... You need to be sure that it's what you really want.
Otherwise you might want to reach out for help.

You're definitely not the only one who feels like this.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

I relate to this more than I wish I did.
I hate existence in a way that's hard to put into words. Like just being is exhausting.
My head is a constant storm, and no matter what I do, I can't quiet it.
I've got my own mess of mental issues that make even the simplest parts of life feel like climbing a mountain. But... I still can manage it for a while.

The only reason I'm still here is because there's someone who needs me.
If it weren't for them, I'd definitely have been gone a while ago with no thoughts of asking for help or something.

The thing is, I'm drowning financially now and it's not even something I can fully fix, too much is out of my control at this point.
That kind of helplessness eats you.
So yeah… in my fantasies I want someone to stop me if I do get to the edge and solve my problems. But I understand that it's unrealistic and silly to have someone who will solve my problems in my case.

Your case might be different.
I don't think that's attention-seeking. I think it's that deep, stubborn part of us that still clings to life, has hopes.

In my opinion you should carefully consider your desire to ctb, I mean... You need to be sure that it's what you really want.
Otherwise you might want to reach out for help.

You're definitely not the only one who feels like this.

Thank you for making me feel less alone. It's even worse when just existing isn't enough and the people around you expect you to achieve more instead of just survive and they get mad when all you do is survive. That's why I can't get help and I have to act normal. I do want help deep down but like I said I can't afford it at the moment and other reasons too. So it feels like CTBing is my only other real option. And thanks for saying I'm not attention seeking. It might be survival instinct after all, forcing me to keep going and talk to people instead of keeping my feelings to myself.

Yeah, I feel the same way. Maybe it's survival instinct or hope, I am not sure.

Could be both but I'm glad the people here understand. Normal people probably think why don't suicidal people just do it instead of talking about how they want to do it but it's not that simple and SI is super hard to overcome.

It's sad but true really. I hide one hell of a lot from my Dad but he even warned me that people will be sympathetic listening to problems up to a point. Then, they'll grow tired of it. He insisted that didn't mean him as well but it obviously did.

We're only human ultimately. Plus, if we have empathy, it can really affect us. I once reached a point with a friend where I didn't feel like I could cope with their frequent venting. It would then work me up for hours afterwards.

So, that's another problem really- how do you care deeply about someone but not let their pain get to you?

This is the reason I prefer not to tell people I know about my pain. I don't mind venting here because this is a suicide forum after all, and someone can just choose not to read it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Nope. Not at all. I'm "lucky" in that that there is no one to intervene and stop me. Regardless, even if there were, I'd just want everyone to stay out of my business.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

Not really in my case. In fact, I'm keeping my mouth shut these past weeks, I don't even make the slightest hint that I'm gonna CTB cus I don't want to be prevented.

Now, this is different from wishing that there was someone who loved u, understood your pain...etc. Although I wish I experienced love and I wish I had such a special person, my problems are way beyond the issue of not having this special person in my life.

My guess is that even if I had such a person in my life, probably a partner, it will probably only delay my CTB, I can't be sure though. It will be nice to see that, but I don't wish to involve someone else in my chaotic life. Plus, if I had such a person and I still chose to CTB then I would have traumatized them for life.

I think the second paragraph is what I really want. There is someone who loves me but I don't like to share the deep details of my pain. It feels like no one really understands even though a lot of people understand, it's just not socially acceptable to openly talk about suicide besides here. And you're right, I don't want to traumatize my boyfriend for life. He's one of the only people who was ever kind to me, I was abused back in my childhood so before I met him abuse was all I ever knew. It felt so nice to be treated right but due to trauma and many other reasons(unrelated to him) I still want to die but I don't want to leave him. I love him. I know if I told him about any of this he'd try and stop me. I don't want to be stopped if I choose to CTB because obviously that ruins my plans but you know deep down I do. It's hard to put into words.

Nope. Not at all. I'm "lucky" in that that there is no one to intervene and stop me. Regardless, even if there were, I'd just want everyone to stay out of my business.

That's fair enough, I think my SI is just being a bitch.

that's almost exactly how i feel. i've technically been trying to recover on my own since i was 19, but i still find myself wanting the attention that comes with an attempt and it makes me feel so fake. i have good days, and then suddenly the bad days hit and all i can think about is how nice it would be to finally ctb, and that just feels.. like i'm only suicidal for attention? atleast 13 year old me would've thought so, she was hardcore in her planning lmao.

That's not necessarily for attention, maybe a part of it is but I'm sick of this stuff being seen as attention seeking. It's your survival instinct, to the cellular level your body will try to keep you alive even if you wanna die. Even if that means forcing you to desire attention and care from others after an attempt. It's only natural so don't blame yourself. It's how we are wired. You clearly need love and care that you probably didn't get and that's why you want that from an attempt.

 

[kopebaldy]

Nah, if someone discovered me mid attempt, I hope that they'd be a dear and close the door pretending not seeing anything.

 

[whenwillthepainstop]

Nah, if someone discovered me mid attempt, I hope that they'd be a dear and close the door pretending not seeing anything.

I understand that.

 

[wham311]

No, people misunderstand me as this being a cry for help, like ya I'm crying for help but it's to end my life

 

[orcapythia]

Maybe it's like how some people don't want to commit suicide they're just forced into it by cirumstances and want hope

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

It appears the mindset of a lot of people here(besides the recovery section) is that nobody should stop them from committing suicide because it's their own choice, which is something I understand however PERSONALLY, deep down I want someone to stop me before it's too late. Is that weird? Am I an attention seeker? I do want to die but like I said this small part of me wants somebody to notice my pain and hug me and save me from killing myself. Maybe it's survival instinct? Not sure. Anyways I hope I'm not the only one.

I feel this way a lot and it's so common and normal. Because in reality, few people commit suicide because things are going right in their lives. We may want to die because of the corner we've been backed into, but wouldn't it be infinitely better if someone or something happened that opened a door instead? We want death because of our pain, but if our pain is solved another way, why not?

Autonomy is real and important but it's also an American/Western idea that we don't need others and that our choices are made in a vacuum.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I could be wrong but it sounds like you're in a lot of pain and want it to stop, but also that a part of you genuinely wants help and don't know how to get it. It's not weird at all, and you're not asking for a lot of attention either. You seem conflicted about CTB, so please think carefully about it. If you have friends or family in your life that you trust to not send you to a psych ward, consider reaching out. CTB is a valid choice but it shouldn't be the default to those who have hopes of getting better.

Life isn't a fairytale, those who love us will eventually get worn down. In fact, I've came across few posts on Reddit where a brother is "tried" if his suicidal sibling and another of a dad who also can no longer stand his chaotic son.

i really, really relate to this post. it sums up how i feel about suicide completely. it's literally so hard for me to man up and schedule my suicide note email to my friend because a part of him is waiting for him to text me something like "hey, i love you man. i don't want you to die" and then i'll wipe my tears and say "ok i won't do it". makes me feel like a baby. what is help? how do i get help? i'm unmedicated, have no therapist, and i don't even believe in psychiatry. my parents have just been telling me they want me to die because they're tired of me. it's kind of a lose-lose situation if you have no irl support system.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Only if the person that is trying to stop me offers a really strong, and positive incentive.

 

[InTheAbyss]

I think a long time ago I did want that. But not anymore. I'm more hoping now that someone will finally push me past my SI so I can finally end all this pain and loneliness.

 

[sillyprincessmeow]

It appears the mindset of a lot of people here(besides the recovery section) is that nobody should stop them from committing suicide because it's their own choice, which is something I understand however PERSONALLY, deep down I want someone to stop me before it's too late. Is that weird? Am I an attention seeker? I do want to die but like I said this small part of me wants somebody to notice my pain and hug me and save me from killing myself. Maybe it's survival instinct? Not sure. Anyways I hope I'm not the only one.

i wish to be saved all the time. I beg and beg but everyone disregards me. i guess im really unneeded in the world. no one really bothers with me, so i feel like its time for me to start working on a real plan to leave. i wish someone would love me enough to save me. i just want a better life. i dont wanna die but living its just survival. i havent lived in years. Adding: its bad but i genuinely just want to attempt and die and then come back to life as if its temporary. I want to attempt and it fail so people will love me again, but i know the consequences will make it harder for me to attempt in the future so i will make it a one and done. Ive tried to ctb over 20 times and i always fail or chicken out. Its really pathetic. Hopefully i can get SN and finally go for a ride.