Venting Does anyone here have a bad/worsening relationship with their parents or family?

[ChildrensITV]

It's funny. When I wanted to kill myself decades ago -- for reasons that have nothing to do with m family -- I thought about my family, particularly my mother and the effect it would have on her. She would not be able to recover. Years later, I am still living with her cuz I can't get or keep a job and the friction between us is at an all time high. She tells me off as a full-grown man cuz I am in the way, consume resources and I am a burden to her. I don't doubt that I am. I have been a burden to myself for most of my life. So now we're on the same page: I am a burden. We agree.

And the way she treats me lets me know that she is at her wits' end, just like I am. It must be annoying to be the one to nag, micromanage and supervise - well, it's not fun being on the receiving end of that as an adult either. If I had the IQ and speed, I would have a job and wouldn't be living here and wouldn't be in this mess. I can't move out cuz I can't get a job. I can't get a job cuz I am not smart enough. I am not smart enough cuz I was made inferior. All the problems come back to me not being good enough. I can't just MAKE myself an amazing overachiever. If people could do that, nobody would be underachievers.

Anyway, since my relationship with my mum is in the fucking sewers, I know that she will be better off without me now. She might not know how to reset the router, but she will be able to use the bathroom freely. She might not have someone to gossip to, but she won't feel a motherly duty to cook food (that I didn't ask for. Sometimes I cook too btw). She might not have someone to help her with heavy groceries, but she will have a free room to put more belongings in. She will live better without me. I don't need to worry about my death being 100% negative now. There will be many positives.

A few months ago, I started a suicide-note that I was going to email to her, to make her feel a bit "comforted" about my death and to understand how I was feeling beforehand. I don't even care to finish it cuz the way she treats me, I lost interest in trying to babystep her through the bereavement. I had planned for her to read my suicide-note, a few pages per day, to help her. Now I'm like: "<Shrug>. You figure it out. Go listen to some music or do some hobby. I was a burden to you so now you can figure out your own way of getting over me.". This isn't from a place of anger cuz once I am on my deathbed, I will forgive her for everything. It comes from a place of allowing her to be free to make her own decisions for once without having to worry about me being in the way.

I hated my life ANYWAY. But my mum gave me the nudge I needed to end it cuz I don't even have homeostasis. I feel like an imposter in this house. In a way, her mistreatment of me or anger at me is what I needed. My situation was pathetic and unsolvable anyway. All my mum's mistreatment or anger did was put glasses on me so I could see clearer just how fucked my situation is. I don't even see this as a suicide anymore. I just see it as a drink (SN) and a sleep. All I am doing is going to sleep. I love sleep. It is the only time I feel at peace. All I am doing is going for a long sleep.

Are any of you closer to suicide because of a degenerating relationship with family such that, you don't need to care about their bereavement as much anymore cuz you can see the upsides for them?

 

[cryvinglightning]

i can't muster up the care for my family that i used to have when i first attempted CTB. i resent them heavily. i don't think they see me as a capable person, moreso a moral punching bag or an extra mouth to feed (when they aren't ignoring me all together). i feel micromanaged and stepped on just like you do and it's exhausting. i hope you manage to get out of that household just like i'm planning to do with mine.

 

[inaminute]

Yeah I've been increasingly isolated while my wife has dozens of phone calls a day with her family. My mum died last year in Feb and my brother, well, he's completely out of my life because I have moral issues with an offence he was forced to plead guilty for. I am literally alone and I fucking hate it. The only time I am not alone is when I sleep I go to an alternative life where I am somebody but when I wake up I can't do anything right and my burdensome creates such a toxic atmosphere that has driven me to watch videos online on people dying which is basically pumping me up to act and I do have impulsivity problems. The only thing holding me back is my two daughters who are young. I just do not have any enjoyment in life and if I try to stand up for my daughter's against my Adolf Hitler wife I am wrong. I fear if I CTB my older daughter may follow my trajectory. Home isn't home anymore it's a horrible environment full of tension and tit for tat where I'm the loser always. I'm sick and tired I don't eat anymore and I'm consumed by intrusive thoughts. I may actually belong in hospital but I've been there scores of times and my life never improves. I hope you find peace.

 

[oblivion_handmade]

I am in a similar situation. 29yo living with my mother in an apartment, haven't paid rent or been employed full time in 30 months. She is increasingly cold, brittle and condescending, while I spiral further and further into shame and addiction. There were many life altering events that happened in both of or lives to reach this point. When I was younger I worked hard, had a social life, had ambitions. Things were never perfect but I was so sure I could fix it all. I couldn't. My point? It doesn't matter. I'm still dragging myself forward inch by inch everyday. I don't care if no one notices or acknowledges it. I don't care if mommy understands. She chose me, I didn't choose her. I am doing the best I know how with what I've got - If someone, anyone doesn't like it, they can get out of my life. Don't kill yourself for anyone but you. You can walk the fuck away without physically dying. If you choose to CTB, do it because you want to, not because of some bullshit situation.

 

[inaminute]

God speed the day my SN arrives as my time is running out I am considering jumping from height - I e done a tandem parachute jump and I felt no fear of falling.

I am in a similar situation. 29yo living with my mother in an apartment, haven't paid rent or been employed full time in 30 months. She is increasingly cold, brittle and condescending, while I spiral further and further into shame and addiction. There were many life altering events that happened in both of or lives to reach this point. When I was younger I worked hard, had a social life, had ambitions. Things were never perfect but I was so sure I could fix it all. I couldn't. My point? It doesn't matter. I'm still dragging myself forward inch by inch everyday. I don't care if no one notices or acknowledges it. I don't care if mommy understands. She chose me, I didn't choose her. I am doing the best I know how with what I've got - If someone, anyone doesn't like it, they can get out of my life. Don't kill yourself for anyone but you. You can walk the fuck away without physically dying. If you choose to CTB, do it because you want to, not because of some bullshit situation.

This.

 

[ChildrensITV]

i can't muster up the care for my family that i used to have when i first attempted CTB. i resent them heavily. i don't think they see me as a capable person, moreso a moral punching bag or an extra mouth to feed (when they aren't ignoring me all together). i feel micromanaged and stepped on just like you do and it's exhausting. i hope you manage to get out of that household just like i'm planning to do with mine.

Thanks @cryvinglightning . I don't think there is much more hope for me. I keep saying: "one more year". Try doing that for 27 years! I gave it my best shot. There is no feeling that I should suffer more on behalf of people who don't even want me around. I think it will benefit all parties if I just left. Again, I am not leaving today, so if anything improves, I am open, but, yes, I've been waiting 27 years for improvement.

Yeah I've been increasingly isolated while my wife has dozens of phone calls a day with her family. My mum died last year in Feb and my brother, well, he's completely out of my life because I have moral issues with an offence he was forced to plead guilty for. I am literally alone and I fucking hate it. The only time I am not alone is when I sleep I go to an alternative life where I am somebody but when I wake up I can't do anything right and my burdensome creates such a toxic atmosphere that has driven me to watch videos online on people dying which is basically pumping me up to act and I do have impulsivity problems. The only thing holding me back is my two daughters who are young. I just do not have any enjoyment in life and if I try to stand up for my daughter's against my Adolf Hitler wife I am wrong. I fear if I CTB my older daughter may follow my trajectory. Home isn't home anymore it's a horrible environment full of tension and tit for tat where I'm the loser always. I'm sick and tired I don't eat anymore and I'm consumed by intrusive thoughts. I may actually belong in hospital but I've been there scores of times and my life never improves. I hope you find peace.

That is a tough situation. But you owe it to your daughters to stay in their lives and protect them. If their mother is as bad as you say, they need you even more than regular children need their mother. You aren't in a position to CTB. That is tough. Were you depressed before you had them? If I had children, I would feel even more trapped here. Luckily, I'm too ugly to get a girlfriend for the mostpart as 99.999999999999% of women find me repulsive and would rather be alone, or think "you're a great guy for some other girl". They can't help that I'm ugly. It's not like they are CHOOSING to find me ugly. I just am. This is yet another problem that goes away once I'm dead.

I am in a similar situation. 29yo living with my mother in an apartment, haven't paid rent or been employed full time in 30 months. She is increasingly cold, brittle and condescending, while I spiral further and further into shame and addiction. There were many life altering events that happened in both of or lives to reach this point. When I was younger I worked hard, had a social life, had ambitions. Things were never perfect but I was so sure I could fix it all. I couldn't. My point? It doesn't matter. I'm still dragging myself forward inch by inch everyday. I don't care if no one notices or acknowledges it. I don't care if mommy understands. She chose me, I didn't choose her. I am doing the best I know how with what I've got - If someone, anyone doesn't like it, they can get out of my life. Don't kill yourself for anyone but you. You can walk the fuck away without physically dying. If you choose to CTB, do it because you want to, not because of some bullshit situation.

Thanks. The thing is, my life is over anyway. If I could get a job and live in my own place, I would still hate life cuz of past trauma, but I would just suffer it til the natural end. Maybe I would go skydiving to "see what happens", but I would be less "actively suicidal". But the fact that I can't even pull myself up by my bootstraps means I am stuck in this hell. I refuse to do it anymore. I am not killing myself FOR my mum but my mum is a nudge in that direction. Like I said, I am a burden to myself. That's reason ENOUGH to kill myself. But I am a burden to her TOO. That's the nudge I need.

God speed the day my SN arrives as my time is running out I am considering jumping from height - I e done a tandem parachute jump and I felt no fear of falling.

This.

Godspeed. I have SN. It is a "lifesaver" in that it will have saved me from a life of suffering. Ironic. I just need the benzos. One more puzzlepiece and I can be free.

 

[mortuarymary]

Only the piece of shit that's my real dad.