Does anyone flip from being suicidal to being non-suicidal very quickly?

[sunnydaysahead]

I feel weird about registering for this site now that I feel (for now) not very suicidal. I still have strong self harm urges, but I flip-flop super quickly from being passively suicidal to being actively suicidal to being not suicidal at all. It's super strange. I feel invalidated by this. I have this terrible feeling that if I'm not actively cutting and/or feeling suicidal that I'm "not depressed enough", which only leads me into becoming more depressed and eventually suicidal again, and the cycle repeats. Sorry if this isn't making much sense, I'm trying my best to explain. The only thing that caused me to feel not suicidal is, oddly, reading about the effects of testosterone on an AFAB body which gives me hope for the future; this'll probably fade quickly though. because of the cycle mentioned above. The only things in the future for me that would guarantee that I would CTB is if (my state of residence) raises the age for HRT to 25 (which they are considering, but hopefully not passing) or if I can't move out in the future/my guardians put a conservatorship on me. I'm still really young at 18, but I don't really know if I can wait very much longer for HRT. Even if I can technically get it legally at my age, I'd most likely get kicked out if I even started taking it. I have to move out ASAP, but I'm terrible at registering for doctor's appointments and doing basic self care skills (because of my autism and depression.) I know this isn't a site necessarily for trans people but I have to put my info out there, just so maybe someone can get it. Hopefully at around 19-20 I can move out and learn some skills to take care of myself better, and start T. I don't know what my future looks like at this point, honestly. Sorry if this was long; just look at the title and if you relate post a reply.

 

[nozomu]

I flip flop between my suicidal and non suicidal mental states rather quickly. My partner makes me want to live so I can easily turn it off if he's around. But alone it's a little harder to do deliberately

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I have trouble even recalling a time when I wasn't suicidal to some degree.

But suicidality comes in a variety of forms and shapes; please don't beat yourself up for not being "the real deal" because there is none.

I hope you can access what you need for transitioning sooner than later. Seems there's a decent chance you can live in such a way that you find worthwhile.

 

[Kurushii]

After I fail an attempt I won't want to ctb for a while. So I do go from wanting to die to no longer wanting to die relatively quickly, but I still don't feel any better most of the time. Yes I won't want to ctb, but I still won't want to live. Also when something positive happens to me I feel hopeful, and that maybe I should try living after all. But that hope doesn't last long, and I end up back at the same spot.

 

[voidweller]

yeah i relate to this a lot. pretty much always been in the same cycle

 

[ceekatty]

I flip flop between my suicidal and non suicidal mental states rather quickly. My partner makes me want to live so I can easily turn it off if he's around. But alone it's a little harder to do deliberately

I'm like this person but I also understand what you mean. There are some days where I'm not feeling suicidal at all, and there are sometimes where I am feeling suicidal until someone close to me approaches. When people approach me when I'm feeling a certain way I put on a mask in a way or flip a switch to make myself feel happy. And the days I'm not feeling suicidal I do wonder if I ever was and it feels like I'm faking. But honestly, if you identify days where you're feeling fine as "days where I'm not suicidal" then that definitely shows you're not a healthy person faking it. You don't have to be suicidal all the time to identify as a suicidal person, the degrees and frequencies that the feeling occurs varies from person to person.

 

[nozomu]

I'm like this person but I also understand what you mean. There are some days where I'm not feeling suicidal at all, and there are sometimes where I am feeling suicidal until someone close to me approaches. When people approach me when I'm feeling a certain way I put on a mask in a way or flip a switch to make myself feel happy. And the days I'm not feeling suicidal I do wonder if I ever was and it feels like I'm faking. But honestly, if you identify days where you're feeling fine as "days where I'm not suicidal" then that definitely shows you're not a healthy person faking it. You don't have to be suicidal all the time to identify as a suicidal person, the degrees and frequencies that the feeling occurs varies from person to person.

Every morning I wake up and wonder if today's the day yet, so I think even in the days I'm still fine, I'm suicidal. It's just that when I'm with my partner, I forget I have to go. When I'm alone it feels inevitable

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

I tend to get lesser feelings from time to time but never full on non suicidal. Even through the good times there was always that thought lingering in the back of my head as odd as that seems.

I know this isn't a site necessarily for trans people

On the contrary my friend, use the search bar and you find almost any type of person you can think of. Thats the beauty of this site.

I flip-flop super quickly from being passively suicidal to being actively suicidal to being not suicidal at all. It's super strange. I feel invalidated by this.

You dont need any validation to feel the way you do. Not from family or friends or anyone here.

 

[Menhera Chan]

Im like this a lot! I feel weird as well for registering on this site, mostly curiosity, and just two days ago I felt so happy, that I had not in a while, and now I feel like crap so now I am here again, I think you are valid I have definitely felt the "not depressed enough", sometimes I am just more suicidal than other times, you are definitely not alone. Depending on what happens in the day can really change your mind a lot.

 

[mafuyu]

I have BPD

That's like, my whole thing

 

[novem]

It means you could Live a little longer. Life is a journey so if you meet people who make you want to stay a bit longer, that is a good thing I suppose.
as for me when i have human interaction i the desire to hope that i can fix myself or stay in this world takes over too.

 

[Faejin]

Not really. Sometimes I don't feel like dying, but I never switch from wanting to die to wanting to live in a moment's notice.

 

[zaros]

i get fucked up mood swings where one second i can be like yeah im alright im good im not thinking about everything thats wrong with me and then 10 seocnds later i feel intensley suicidal and shut down
i think its always an underlying thing though like the ace up my sleeve i can always remember that yeah this is an optiom

 

[crypt]

For me it is not really a flip flop but a mix of both at the same time.

I have no desire to live but also want to see how life evolves and grows as time goes on. A perfect reality for me is to be sort of a ghost being able to observe life and see it grow while I, as a person, disappear from this world.

A world in which I don't exist but I am still able to see how the world turns out is probably ultimate peace for myself.

 

[LunaXCBN]

Used to. Now suicide (and death as a whole) is completely separate from being depressed.

I can be in a very good mood, like I am now but I can still think of killing myself, fantasize about it and imagine it happening.

 

[stermc]

I think I am always suicidal, but sometimes the feeling or urge to do it gets blurred by some other thoughts. But it never goes away.

 

[northgirl123]

I definitely relate to this. One minute I can be absolutely certain that I am done and my life is over but then some little ray of hope comes along and I feel ok for a while, never great or happy but ok. But the suicidal thoughts always come back. Even when I'm kind of ok it's still there. I find it comforting tbh. Like no matter how bad things get I can always leave when I'm truly ready to

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Similar situation, while being suicidal is something that is always with me, it's not always a prevalent thought, there are times where it becomes more like background noise. Right now for example I'm doing "fine" enough by just cutting and drinking without an actual urge to CTB, while two weeks ago I just wanted to bury myself asap

 

[SexyIncél]

A specific mechanism makes me ctb. If its preconditions are met, I flip. I'm working on countering this mechanism

 

[Ultracheese]

Sending hugs as a fellow 18 year old autistic trans guy. I hope you'll be able to transition and start T.

As for me, I feel like I'm always suicidal, but I switch between feeling what I call "actively suicidal" and "passively suicidal." For me, passively suicidal is like "I don't actively want to kill myself, but if I died right now I wouldn't care." Whereas actively suicidal is more like "I want to kill myself", if that makes any sense.

 

[randy]

I have this thing where things are going ok and then something fairly minor goes wrong. sometimes the immediate thought is "oh well I should just ctb"

 

[Forever Sleep]

Like other people have said- you don't need to apologise for how you feel. It doesn't make it any less genuine if you feel differently at different times and differently from other people. It must actually be very confusing for you.

Must say- I'm not a therapist or anything- this is likely a stupid suggestion but have you ever wondered whether it could be bipolar disorder? I know that can be characterised by massive mood swings. Do you have periods of intense activity and energy as well as these depressions? Like I say- I'm not qualified to diagnose... I expect you've already thought about it as well.

I'm sorry- I expect the contrasts in your moods must be very hard to handle.

 

[lredmage]

I feel weird about registering for this site now that I feel (for now) not very suicidal. I still have strong self harm urges, but I flip-flop super quickly from being passively suicidal to being actively suicidal to being not suicidal at all. It's super strange. I feel invalidated by this. I have this terrible feeling that if I'm not actively cutting and/or feeling suicidal that I'm "not depressed enough", which only leads me into becoming more depressed and eventually suicidal again, and the cycle repeats. Sorry if this isn't making much sense, I'm trying my best to explain. The only thing that caused me to feel not suicidal is, oddly, reading about the effects of testosterone on an AFAB body which gives me hope for the future; this'll probably fade quickly though. because of the cycle mentioned above. The only things in the future for me that would guarantee that I would CTB is if (my state of residence) raises the age for HRT to 25 (which they are considering, but hopefully not passing) or if I can't move out in the future/my guardians put a conservatorship on me. I'm still really young at 18, but I don't really know if I can wait very much longer for HRT. Even if I can technically get it legally at my age, I'd most likely get kicked out if I even started taking it. I have to move out ASAP, but I'm terrible at registering for doctor's appointments and doing basic self care skills (because of my autism and depression.) I know this isn't a site necessarily for trans people but I have to put my info out there, just so maybe someone can get it. Hopefully at around 19-20 I can move out and learn some skills to take care of myself better, and start T. I don't know what my future looks like at this point, honestly. Sorry if this was long; just look at the title and if you relate post a reply.

i am also autistic and trans. i also have bpd. there are mood swings where i feel intensely suicidal and times where i feel not suicidal. The way gender dysphoria makes you vastly uncomfortable and disconnected from life is unmatched. But there are times when I forget the body im in while i focus in something else. and just knowing that one day i can get on hormones helps to see through all of the shit sometimes.

 

[sunnydaysahead]

Like other people have said- you don't need to apologise for how you feel. It doesn't make it any less genuine if you feel differently at different times and differently from other people. It must actually be very confusing for you.

Must say- I'm not a therapist or anything- this is likely a stupid suggestion but have you ever wondered whether it could be bipolar disorder? I know that can be characterised by massive mood swings. Do you have periods of intense activity and energy as well as these depressions? Like I say- I'm not qualified to diagnose... I expect you've already thought about it as well.

I'm sorry- I expect the contrasts in your moods must be very hard to handle.

Never thought of it like that. Maybe I'll look it up.

 

[Starryeyes]

I flip between suicidal and very suicidal very quickly . But when you lead no quality of life it's hardly a suprise it doesn't take much to flip it

 

[valkyrie]

Yep. When something goes wrong the suicidal feelings come back very quickly but when stuff is good it's not on my mind for the most part except intrusive thoughts.
I'm pretty up down up down

 

[Airie]

I think so. I even get this when I need to vent. I end up waiting so long for someone to listen or talk with that by the time someone is available, I had lost some to all my desire to share. I may feel like sharing later on in this case.

 

[wuhwowthisis]

Yeah, the moment I get my mind to wander from it I can leave it behind but anytime I get stressed or a moment of silence it just completely overtakes my thoughts

 

[sleepf0rever]

As so many have already said- I hear you and my experience is kinda similar. I feel like a ghost, living a kind of unlife where i'm stuck between a death I want but can't seem to make happen and a life that's just not worthwhile but I'm afraid to end.

Also have strong feelings of being over dramatic and like if I let anybody know how badly I'm doing and they take me seriously, even in a non patronizing way, I get like... imposter syndrome over it

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Same here. At times, it feels like I'm on top of the world and can't possibly imagine why I felt depressed in the first place, but then I suddenly fall from that high and start thinking about suicide. Other than those euphoric highs where everything seems perfect and the soul-crushing lows involving me wondering why I'm still forced to be alive, there's just stress and apathy in between.

However, I don't think "not [being] depressed enough" is a concept(?) that actually exists. Not only does everyone have different experiences, but people deal with, and are affected by, said experiences in different ways as well, making the whole point of gauging depression useless.

Still, I can see where you're coming from—maybe in a different way, though. You don't need others to validate how you feel because they're how you feel. Besides, I think it's kind of inconsiderate to disregard the depressive moments you go through just because "You were happy a few times." After all, saying that being depressed always involves being sad 24/7 is an oversimplification of the condition.

Although, I don't know if you actually wanted people's opinion on that, so sorry if I'm overstepping. I can delete it if you want.