Does anyone flip from being suicidal to being non-suicidal very quickly?

[Mister Skittles]

I feel weird about registering for this site now that I feel (for now) not very suicidal. I still have strong self harm urges, but I flip-flop super quickly from being passively suicidal to being actively suicidal to being not suicidal at all. It's super strange. I feel invalidated by this. I have this terrible feeling that if I'm not actively cutting and/or feeling suicidal that I'm "not depressed enough", which only leads me into becoming more depressed and eventually suicidal again, and the cycle repeats. Sorry if this isn't making much sense, I'm trying my best to explain. The only thing that caused me to feel not suicidal is, oddly, reading about the effects of testosterone on an AFAB body which gives me hope for the future; this'll probably fade quickly though. because of the cycle mentioned above. The only things in the future for me that would guarantee that I would CTB is if (my state of residence) raises the age for HRT to 25 (which they are considering, but hopefully not passing) or if I can't move out in the future/my guardians put a conservatorship on me. I'm still really young at 18, but I don't really know if I can wait very much longer for HRT. Even if I can technically get it legally at my age, I'd most likely get kicked out if I even started taking it. I have to move out ASAP, but I'm terrible at registering for doctor's appointments and doing basic self care skills (because of my autism and depression.) I know this isn't a site necessarily for trans people but I have to put my info out there, just so maybe someone can get it. Hopefully at around 19-20 I can move out and learn some skills to take care of myself better, and start T. I don't know what my future looks like at this point, honestly. Sorry if this was long; just look at the title and if you relate post a reply.

So relating to the constant flip flopping it may partially be connected to your Autism. Autism/Aspergers makes you look at small details instead of the bigger picture. You basically hyper fixate on small details. So, whenever a bad thing happens, the brain will hyper focus on it and everything will feel like shit. If one thing is bad everything is bad. This can make the brain jump to extremes like considering suicide, self harm etc. Thow once the brain has had some time to process, the feelings will fade. Whenever something good happens however, the brain will instantly hyper fixate on that and everything will feel so much better until that wears off to (this explains why something like reading about the effects of testosterone made you suddenly feel not suicidal). Your passive suicidalnes could be explained as (from what I can make out), you being in a negative life situation. Any bad or good thing instantly drives your brain to one extreme. This is a little known effect Autism/Aspergers can have on the brain. Whenever something bad comes up, try to focus on good things in your life. Redirect your brains hyper focus to something else. Try doing a puzzle, playing a concentration based game or doing a hard task to make your brain focus it's energy on that.
I hope this could help you.

 

[SuicideDreams]

I can go back and forth too at times. Gotta love bipolarism.

 

[VioletNight]

When times are good my mind can be taken off of it for a while, but usually it's when something goes wrong that the thoughts burst through hard.

Also there's no gate to keep about suicidal thoughts, your thoughts and concerns about it are perfectly valid and you're totally welcome here.

 

[sunnydaysahead]

Same here. At times, it feels like I'm on top of the world and can't possibly imagine why I felt depressed in the first place, but then I suddenly fall from that high and start thinking about suicide. Other than those euphoric highs where everything seems perfect and the soul-crushing lows involving me wondering why I'm still forced to be alive, there's just stress and apathy in between.

However, I don't think "not [being] depressed enough" is a concept(?) that actually exists. Not only does everyone have different experiences, but people deal with, and are affected by, said experiences in different ways as well, making the whole point of gauging depression useless.

Still, I can see where you're coming from—maybe in a different way, though. You don't need others to validate how you feel because they're how you feel. Besides, I think it's kind of inconsiderate to disregard the depressive moments you go through just because "You were happy a few times." After all, saying that being depressed always involves being sad 24/7 is an oversimplification of the condition.

Although, I don't know if you actually wanted people's opinion on that, so sorry if I'm overstepping. I can delete it if you want.

thank you, you're not overstepping.

 

[Catch-22]

Since my first memories probably around 5 years old I knew I did not want to be here. Whatever this was this place called Earth. I've only had a few moments where I knew what happiness was but they were quick and then they were gone. I'm in a situation where there is no way out so at this point I can't imagine changing my mind. I've been waiting for a miracle to change my mind but it never came