Discussion Does anyone feel like surviving an attempt feels manipulative/dumb?

[futurebuscatcher]

I have a plan to kill myself and send out my notes and items– but realistically since I know my method is a little difficult, I have a roommate, and it would be my first attempt I am probably gonna fail. Furthermore, knowing myself it's probably gonna be done on impuse in a state of mania which means I'm not level headed enough to do it properly.

But I fear failing and feel like if I do it'll just be humiliating. Like now I have to deal with all these questions and people feeling guilty and everything. I feel like it would come off as attention seeking or manipulative to make people nicer to me and all, especially since I have a few mental disorders that are known to have a bad rep of being attention seekers.

I don't know how to explain but does anyone else feel this way? I just think that surviving is worse than dying.

 

[TAW122]

I do think it's really horrible to survive with a lot of repercussions, especially if a method causes permanent injury or damages and such. However, I don't think it is necessarily manipulative, depending on one's intentions for attempting. I agree with you that surviving can be worse than dying especially if all the uncanny and uncomfortable things that come with it follow a failed attempt (not withstanding more scrutiny, being locked up in a psych ward or hospital, and many other repercussions that follow too).

 

[Hero Remeer]

Be calm, it is normal to feel all that, facing the idea of suicide is complicated, really it is not easy at all, even more so because it is a taboo subject and this sick society does not want to know anything about this.
Regarding your question, well no, I do not think that you are manipulative or stupid, I have not had the experience, but it must be an overwhelming experience, and my fear in that case is the physical consequences that one could face, I have read cases that I did not like and if I am not mistaken in the same wiki of the forum, so please be careful.
I remember a case where in a suicide attempt the person had chosen to throw themselves under the train, unfortunately they survived but became paraplegic and curiously that made their suicidal thoughts disappear, and with this I am not saying that you or anyone tried, I am just saying that in some cases there are deep changes that one does not expect, I really do not know, surely in the forum there are similar stories
regards, a hug, be well

 

[willitpass]

Whether or not it's manipulative depends on your intent. If you're doing it to "show people" or "prove something" then it likely is manipulative. If you are doing it to die and it fails then absolutely not. It is very traumatizing though. Words cannot describe how traumatizing it is to survive when you didn't plan to, especially if you end up in the hospital and/or psych ward after. It is a feeling that cannot be described unless you experience it yourself. But manipulative is context dependent and I don't think you fall into that category based on what you're describing.

 

[futurebuscatcher]

Whether or not it's manipulative depends on your intent. If you're doing it to "show people" or "prove something" then it likely is manipulative. If you are doing it to die and it fails then absolutely not. It is very traumatizing though. Words cannot describe how traumatizing it is to survive when you didn't plan to, especially if you end up in the hospital and/or psych ward after. It is a feeling that cannot be described unless you experience it yourself. But manipulative is context dependent and I don't think you fall into that category based on what you're describing.

Yeah I admit there's part of me that wants to be 'saved' so people start taking my health seriously, but I'm gonna make sure I don't kill myself for that reason.

 

[coolgal82]

personally im like more worried about people being like mad at me if i live and i too feel it would definitely be humiliating especially cus my notes have alot of my like secrets in (this is why for my online ones im putting the notes release on a long delay, like 1 scheduled post like "hey im dead probably, wait a bit of time for the note to confirm" and then idfk.) but then yeah theres gonna be like alot of guilt and awkwardness too.

part of me also feels kinda weird because a small part of me says im not valid in my struggles cus ive never attempted before and idk if thats impacting anything, also feeling like i kinda wanna be saved for the reason you describe so like idk.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely wouldn't want to survive an attempt and go through the reaction of other people. Even if I had no injuries from it. I wonder if people would find out though in my case. I'm very isolated. It would depend on what I was doing work wise whether my employers would even notice- I work from home. Friends and family are hundreds of miles away and very few keep in regular contact. It could potentially go unnoticed.

But yeah, I wouldn't fancy having to justify myself. Not that I feel ashamed to feel suicidal. I think it's something we all have the right and often- more than enough reason to feel. But, I think it would very likely change how people saw and behaved with me.

 

[futurebuscatcher]

But, I think it would very likely change how people saw and behaved with me.

And that's the worst part.
That weird limbo of pity and anger to you that could happen. Or how they can no longer trust you and betrayed for not telling them. And then thr relationship isn't what it once was and may never be again

 

[justpathetic]

I have a plan to kill myself and send out my notes and items– but realistically since I know my method is a little difficult, I have a roommate, and it would be my first attempt I am probably gonna fail. Furthermore, knowing myself it's probably gonna be done on impuse in a state of mania which means I'm not level headed enough to do it properly.

But I fear failing and feel like if I do it'll just be humiliating. Like now I have to deal with all these questions and people feeling guilty and everything. I feel like it would come off as attention seeking or manipulative to make people nicer to me and all, especially since I have a few mental disorders that are known to have a bad rep of being attention seekers.

I don't know how to explain but does anyone else feel this way? I just think that surviving is worse than dying.

Unfortunately there will always be those who question when you fail. There are a lot of people on here who start to call people fake or say they're spies frauds etc.. I encourage you not to listen to them. SI is extremely hard to overcome. You should NEVER be humiliated or embarrassed you didn't ctb. Unless like others have said you're doing it strictly for attention. Even then it's coming out of a place of deep pain probably.