does anyone else wish they had the guts to ctb?

[wait.what]

I'm actually appalled at myself for still being here. I feel like effing Charlie Brown, endlessly lured into trying to kick a football that Lucy is definitely going to yank away. It seems to me that if you have any self-respect at all, you eventually quit doing stupid shit like that. And yet here I am.

My latest plan is to acclimate myself to guns by going to a local range for classes and whatnot. I think part of the reason I chickened out back in May is that I just didn't know how to use firearms, so there was a high probability of fucking everything up.

It's also becoming increasingly foolish to wander around this country unarmed. Americans are psychos.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Yes. Suicide is so confusing for me. I have been suicidal on some level for more than half of my life. And in the past one and half years,I didn't have any doubts whether I want to die or not. I even have the required method. Yet the courage escapes me all the time. Life and biological programming is just so hard.

 

[Decided98]

I'm nearly prepared but I know I'll be so nervous on the day and scared of failure!

 

[Ads]

i feel the same. Oftentimes I blame not having access to SN in Germany as the ultimate reason. But its not like it is impossible to ctb without SN everyday people are making that choice successfully. I feel like being such a coward- my ss account is already four years old and guess what..i am still in that limbo..

Why is SN not available in Germany?

 

[DeathToSpiesSMERSH]

The world would be better off without me, I know that for sure. I'm just not compatible with life nor should I be allowed to live.

It's looking like my route will be SN, something more peaceful and that will leave me more intact.

I thought about trains and have been pacing up and down trying to build myself up to it, but I don't want to risk "surviving" a train collision and dying in abject terror from mutilation.

 

[missingpeace]

I get what you mean, I keep putting my current life into perspective and know I need to be gone out of here asap. Because nothing will get better. My family is constantly at home and in the way otherwise I would have gone by now.

 

[Ultracheese]

I've had a lot of failed attempts, so the fear of failure is something on my mind. Also, a part of me keeps convincing myself that things will get better. I guess it's just my natural survival instinct kicking in.