does anyone else wish they had the guts to ctb?

[theloserestloser]

this is weird bc im obviously suicidal lol otherwise i wouldn't be here. but ive never tried nad i dont think i ever will because im scared of failing. but i wish i had the guts to

 

[jodes2]

Yeah I'm scared of my method. I don't like the idea of literally feeling like I'm dying, not that I mind dying, I just don't want it to be a bad experience, I think we all deserve better

 

[socrates]

Can totally relate. I like to think that if stuff hits the fan I'll do it, but I'm not sure. My preferred method is the inert exit bag, but it's such a complicated method.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

Im in pretty much the same position
Never attempted anything and its only recently Im starting to believe I might be capable of it
I dont exactly feel like theres any fixing whats gone wrong in my life, and I know I wouldnt be missed, so
Ultimately its only fear thats stopping me at this point

Every day I wake up it feels like Im overdue and I should just get it over with already
The past year has made me want to more than almost anything
But its always this fear of messing up or being in even more pain that stops me from contemplating it more seriously

 

[Ashley_1988]

i feel the same. Oftentimes I blame not having access to SN in Germany as the ultimate reason. But its not like it is impossible to ctb without SN everyday people are making that choice successfully. I feel like being such a coward- my ss account is already four years old and guess what..i am still in that limbo..

 

[makethepainstop]

this is weird bc im obviously suicidal lol otherwise i wouldn't be here. but ive never tried nad i dont think i ever will because im scared of failing. but i wish i had the guts to

As I am so fond of stating, when enough stressors in your life cause you enough pain, you will eventually succumb to suicide. No balls at all, just pain and how to escape it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, on the one hand I'm telling myself I haven't done it because various loved ones were/ still are alive and I want to wait for them. Still, truth be told, I'm sure I will be SO scared when it comes to it. Still, I'm scared of what the future holds too and I really don't want to face that either- so I guess one day, CTB may look like the lesser evil of the two.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand. All that I have ever wished for is permanent freedom from this existence yet I'm still here. The fear of failing an attempt terrifies me as well, it's horrific the thought of ctb going wrong and just causing more suffering to be experienced. We do live in a world where leaving it behind can be so unnecessarily difficult after all and I hate this. We shouldn't have to struggle so much in finding ways to leave, we all deserve the option of a reliable, peaceful way to end all suffering. If it was more straightforward to leave I would certainly already be gone, those who pass away and get to rest forever really are lucky.

 

[ShuttingDown]

I don't have the guts now but I know I will have in future hope it's soon

 

[nopride86]

My younger self would have had the nerve to just do it, even impulsively and possibly unsuccessfully, had I not been deluded by the notion of hope and the foolish idea that something would kill me anyway.
I wish I could go back in time to let them know that it doesn't get better, it gets much worse, and "final destination moments" are hard to come by.

Now, I want to go so badly, but my brain is mush and I can't get myself physically motivated enough to plan and execute anything. I've become more scared of everything in general, biggest being of method failure and subsequent institutionalization. But I'm so tired of waiting around to be taken out by an act-of-God.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

At some point it all got smashed over my head like a mirror and I came to this realisation that I want to die and I been this way a long time.

I think I don't have the guts too do it because I just want to go peacefully, sometimes the idea of doing it alone aswell, then I just feel selfish and cowardly and the cycle repeats.

Eventually I will break it hopefully

 

[old red eyes]

Nobody has been off beachy head for some time...kluver bucy syndrome ..anyone know it ?

 

[victoria91]

Yes I can relate. I think about suicide at least twice a day but even when I get the urge I can't bring myself to do it. It's like something is stopping me.

 

[Reverend Cartridge]

Yes. I wish it wasn't so difficult to leave this planet sometimes. Hopefully I can overcome SI

 

[Ineedtodie]

Suicide is for sure the only thing that make sens at this stage of my life. SI and that panic in the moment when you need to let go is dreadful. I can't dissociate anymore. I have to do it or be humiliated for the rest of my life.

 

[deadliftEnjoyer]

Do you guys know of any easily accessible recreational drugs that can help with the fear?
Like cocaine, idk

I plan on using a gun, so I just need 1 second of courage to pull the trigger

 

[Ineedtodie]

TH

Yeah I'm scared of my method. I don't like the idea of literally feeling like I'm dying, not that I mind dying, I just don't want it to be a bad experience, I think we all deserve better

I have the same fear. Going fully through the act is the issue. I don't like that its making me more dissociative and distracting myself . I even started having false hope. Just because of that fear. Dying or whats after doesnt concern me neither any desire, attachement or resentement. I know nothing is going my way in that regard. I think too we deserve at least a better death.

 

[jodes2]

Do you guys know of any easily accessible recreational drugs that can help with the fear?
Like cocaine, idk

I plan on using a gun, so I just need 1 second of courage to pull the trigger

I'd mix a few drugs, maybe cocaine and heroin

 

[Altvtysp]

Do you guys know of any easily accessible recreational drugs that can help with the fear?
Like cocaine, idk

I plan on using a gun, so I just need 1 second of courage to pull the trigger

Fuck I wish I had access to any drug. If I had a gun I'd be dead by now. Being forced to exdure a painful way to die really sucks. I feel so hopeless but at least drugs would get me high and if I could get opiates I would OD on them in a minute

 

[BipolarExpress]

This is a mood. I want to go, but I keep worrying about how the world will be without me in it, or how my friends will react after I'm dead. But I also don't want to live, since I don't find much pleasure, joy, or fulfillment in life anymore.

 

[Sad_Sack]

I think almost everyone here feels the same way. I know I do. It's horrible.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What's actually helping me is to focussing on the idea that it is just an instant fast-forwarding. That way of thinking really does make it a bit easier.

 

[damaged_soul]

Yeah I'm pretty sure we all wish we had the guts to do it, that's why we're even on this site in the first place instead of dead already...

 

[TimetoGo!]

this is weird bc im obviously suicidal lol otherwise i wouldn't be here. but ive never tried nad i dont think i ever will because im scared of failing. but i wish i had the guts to

I think 99% of the people on here want to go but are scared of failing. Its the only reason I am here. I log in to try and find inspiration on a method, advice etc........I will find the right way eventually

 

[SorrowMind]

the only thing I'm scared of is failing and ending up worse with permanent damage. if I had N I didn't even think for one second. there's nothing more valuable in this life than N, I would fesr nothing with N

 

[tilly17]

this is weird bc im obviously suicidal lol otherwise i wouldn't be here. but ive never tried nad i dont think i ever will because im scared of failing. but i wish i had the guts to

This is what I'm Struggling with now. Failed twice with tons of pills and basically had a deep sleep for days and liver damage for months. I'm scared of what I'll endure as I have the most severe insomnia only able to get 2-3 hours of sleep on a good night with heavy rx sleeping pills. Scared of remaining conscious and fear of feeling like I'm suffocating and fear of failure is why i
Haven't taken SN yet. I've got to do this before Jan 4th and I've been trying to since October . Can't live with my brain like this and I'm chronic constant pain that doesn't respond to pain meds anymore. How do
You get the courage to just ctb?

 

[SadScarlet]

Very much afraid. Sometimes I do feel the fear fading, especially in extreme depressive mode. I'm only afraid if it'll be painful, not because I'm worried about hurting others, as I have no one.
Dumb instinct.

 

[jessisme]

Yeah, on the one hand I'm telling myself I haven't done it because various loved ones were/ still are alive and I want to wait for them. Still, truth be told, I'm sure I will be SO scared when it comes to it. Still, I'm scared of what the future holds too and I really don't want to face that either- so I guess one day, CTB may look like the lesser evil of the two.

It looks like the lesser of two evils for me now but I'm still afraid to do it. I have the SN but am so afraid of the process: that I won't go unconscious and will feel myself dying and not be able to do anything about it. That I will get extreme abdominal pain that will be impossible to tolerate. That I will vomit and diarrhea everywhere and nothing will happen and that I will have to abort. That someone will find me and intervene (because I have to do it outside). That I won't get the protocol right and it won't work and all kinds of suffering will amount to nothing. That I will wait for something to happen for hours in full consciousness but that I will only experience my body shutting down and pain. That I will have a heart attack. The list just goes on and on and my mind circles around them endlessly to the point where I am paralyzed in fear. I can't imagine myself actually being able to overcome these fears and go through with it. People do all the time. I have to remember this and build up courage to do it. The stakes are so high and I have no other choice.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Best I can do is pray I don't wake up

 

[Lost Magic]

If I didn't have access to peaceful methods (I am so grateful I do) then it would be much harder for me to leave this wretched shit world. However, it is still never easy to end one's own life. If I am still on here another year, I will (personally) feel like a total failure.