Does anyone else think about ctb 24/7?

[Crazy4u]

CTB is always in my mind. I daydream about it the entire day. I don't remember the last time I was free from suicidal thoughts.

 

[Treeline589]

I feel exactly the same way

 

[Heartattackpending]

Used to. A year or so ago I was a mess. Got kicked out of my apartment (since then they've re-rented it at twice the price), I wasn't eating and my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't write my own name. Things are actually much better now. Also, reading posts from others on this forum has made me kind of ashamed. So many of you have it far, far worse then me. I have a nice place to live among fairly decent people. I'm not in any serious physical pain, crippled or terminally ill. And if you passed me on the street, you would not remember me for any reason good or bad. I look normal. This could all change in a heartbeat but,for now, I'm thinking if I'm not careful I may end up dying of natural causes. I'm sorry that, obviously, you're suffering more than I am at the moment.

 

[TheUncommon]

It's more or less destroyed my appearance in public. Which in turn... makes me hate appearing in public, as it is now an embarrassment, since I feel as if I've lost control of myself and am mentally detached from the outside. I have normalised self-harmful jokes and gestures as part of my every day life and have uncontrollable panic attacks. Coworkers distance themselves as a result, a few telling me to get help. And despite the ""help"" (I've been making phone calls for new counseling as recently as yesterday), nothing has changed.

It's like an unescapable black hole.

 

[ellipse]

Yes, every day.

 

[little helpers]

welp. I panic when I'm *not* thinking about suicide. shit's weird.

 

[Somber]

Not a day goes by without considering my own death. I've had plenty of years to consider options other than suicide, but never found one that contemporary technology could solve. In the end it really isn't that bad, after all everyone dies eventually.

 

[Salkak]

Yes

 

[Onthe29th]

I'm low key obsessed with it. I look it up to find news, I've looked through my textbooks. I don't know if I have a problem or if I just want to be well informed before I ctb.

 

[Dot]

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

Constantly, to the point of panic. To the point where I can't function properly, as my mind is invaded with unwanted, violent thoughts of suicide.

 

[ddd1234]

Constantly, to the point of panic. To the point where I can't function properly, as my mind is invaded with unwanted, violent thoughts of suicide.

The same for me :( Suicide thoughts all the time ;(

 

[StarryStarry]

CTB is always in my mind. I daydream about it the entire day. I don't remember the last time I was free from suicidal thoughts.

Yes, it consumes my every thought.

 

[Crazy4u]

Used to. A year or so ago I was a mess. Got kicked out of my apartment (since then they've re-rented it at twice the price), I wasn't eating and my hands were shaking so badly I couldn't write my own name. Things are actually much better now. Also, reading posts from others on this forum has made me kind of ashamed. So many of you have it far, far worse then me. I have a nice place to live among fairly decent people. I'm not in any serious physical pain, crippled or terminally ill. And if you passed me on the street, you would not remember me for any reason good or bad. I look normal. This could all change in a heartbeat but,for now, I'm thinking if I'm not careful I may end up dying of natural causes. I'm sorry that, obviously, you're suffering more than I am at the moment.

you shouldn't be ashamed. You are welcome here even if you are not actively suicidal. I wish you find happiness

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I always think about ctb. To me, thinking about my death can be comforting, it is the only thing that feels right. I have never wanted to be alive and I never will. There is nothing else that I want to think about, everything causes me to be upset and stressed. I wish I was not able to think at all, I never want to experience anything ever again. The thing I want the most is non existence.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

Since I've prepared my method, it's become (even more) difficult to concentrate on things, even just TV for instance.

I used to use TV shows and movies as an escape from my thoughts but i guess I've become too consumed by the 'real escape'.

I also feel bad for secretly obsessing over ctb while I'm around other people because those who love me are trying to help me build a 'future' for myself, but my brain is too broken so i can't see myself still being here in 2023...

 

[Crazy4u]

Since planning my method, it's become (even more) difficult to concentrate on things, even just TV for instance.

I used to use TV shows and movies as an escape from my thoughts but i guess I've become too consumed by the 'real escape'.

I also feel bad for secretly obsessing over ctb because i know a few people who love me and they're trying to help me build a 'future' for myself but my brain is too broken and i can't see myself being here in 2023...

I can relate. I lost the ability to watch movies

 

[Maaizr]

everyday, and i dream about it its almost background to everything else wrong with me at this point

 

[Mr2005]

No I think about what makes me want to ctb 24/7

 

[gottago222]

same im cheesed everytime i wake up

 

[anxious_depressive]

Yes, I think about it very often.
I'm scared and sad.

I wish I'd never been born.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Yep. If I don't hop out of bed and start doing something immediately, I'll just have a breakdown right after waking up lol.

 

[Chinaski]

CTB is always in my mind. I daydream about it the entire day. I don't remember the last time I was free from suicidal thoughts.

It hits me first thing in the morning tbh, before I've even had time to form a coherent thought my brain automatically says "ffs not again", Groundhog Day style.

I have in the past suffered a permanent train of suicidal thoughts, this was at my most desperate and it was excruciating, l dare say l was sectionable. Anyone going through that has my sympathy, it's horrible. Right now it exists as a background hum throughout the day rather than a dominant thought, but it's never far away and it will not cease until l manage to overcome my own cowardice.

 

[Dot]

It hits me first thing in the morning tbh, before I've even had time to form a coherent thought my brain automatically says "ffs not again", Groundhog Day style.

I have in the past suffered a permanent train of suicidal thoughts, this was at my most desperate and it was excruciating, l dare say l was sectionable. Anyone going through that has my sympathy, it's horrible. Right now it exists as a background hum throughout the day rather than a dominant thought, but it's never far away and it will not cease until l manage to overcome my own cowardice.

Cn rel8 2 ovrcmng cwrdce. Mxd *sbstnce* fr 1st tme ydy & cldnt tke it.

 

[LittleBlackCat]

It hits me first thing in the morning tbh, before I've even had time to form a coherent thought my brain automatically says "ffs not again", Groundhog Day style.

I have in the past suffered a permanent train of suicidal thoughts, this was at my most desperate and it was excruciating, l dare say l was sectionable. Anyone going through that has my sympathy, it's horrible. Right now it exists as a background hum throughout the day rather than a dominant thought, but it's never far away and it will not cease until l manage to overcome my own cowardice.

I understand the Groundhog Day feeling. I get it when I wake up from naps as well.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Yup.

 

[wanttodie]

Yes, every day

 

[greencondo]

The more you think and ruminate over something, the more likely you are to keep doing so. So it makes since if it's on your mind a lot.

 

[xyzblahh]

Literally all the time, like background music

 

[Ravel]

Yes, it brings me relief to know that I can at any moment leave this stupid and cruel world